A Battle for Love

There are no words that can describe how desperately I want to have another baby. It consumes just about every waking moment in my life and has for the past year. This was never a battle I thought I would have to fight, but I find myself fighting it none the less. And you know what? I'm one tough fighter. I always have been, even as a little girl. And I'm not going to lose this fight, I refuse. I refuse to give up, I refuse to let go, I refuse to stop believing that all this love I have inside me isn't meant for that perfect baby that will be mine one day. I am not a perfect mother. I have made plenty of mistakes. I have lost my temper and yelled at my child in frustration in lack of what else to do. I have turned by back only to find him running down the middle of the street or down the aisle in the store or jumping into the deep end of the pool or holding a pair of scissors. I am not a perfect mother, no where near perfect. But I love my son so fiercely that it scares me sometimes. This feeling is unlike any other and I am so connected to that little person it is unbelievable. I know that I have that within me already for this baby to be. I have so much love for this baby that is still just a wish in my heart and that I am so desperately trying to conceive.So much that every time my cycle ends I literally feel a sense of loss. I have mourned 14 times for those babies that I was unable to conceive and each time it gets harder. Despite the disappointment, my love for this baby to be only grows stronger and that love is what keeps me going. It's shocking how strong the love is for this child that doesn't yet exist in my life. 

It's this love that is going to keep carrying me forward, especially today where all signs are pointing to another cycle ending in a period instead of a pregnancy. I was hopeful this cycle. Outside of the fact that we had really good timing I just felt more hope this time. Twice this cycle I had this feeling about the room that will be the nursery that I've never had before. Once walking by it, just seeing from the corner of my eye, I could feel it as a child's room, I could feel what it would be like to have another child in that room. And a second time while in there with my son, looking out the front window talking to his dad, I got that same feeling.  It felt like home, like family, like comfort and light and life even though it's just a room with two air mattresses and Q's misplaced furniture. I could feel the love in that room, it was palpable, it took my breath away and filled me with joy.  I thought that feeling was a good sign, my intuition kicking in and so I had extra hope this time. But today it looks like this cycle isn't meant to be my cycle. My body is giving me signs that usually mean my period is just a few days away. 

I don't know why it's so hard this time around. I don't know why it is such a battle or why it is taking so long or what else I can do to achieve a different outcome. But I believe with my entire being, my whole heart and sole and existence that this is a battle for love and love will keep me strong. It will keep me hopeful and it will keep me moving forward. Did my heart hurt today? Yes it did. Am I sad? Yes I am. But did I lose my hope or resilience or belief that someday I will carry another child. No I didn't. I know that the plan for my life includes more than one child. I know it in my core. I can see it so clearly in my head, my pregnant belly, my labor, Q holding the baby. I can literally feel the weight of that tiny baby on my body. So on days like today where I'm faced with another disappointment I will cry and mourn and pick myself up again and try again because it's a long way from over.