Waiting Just Plain Sucks

It's been awhile since I've been around so for a quick catch up...IUI #3 was a bust (which I completely expected - I'm not even sure we got the timing right), therefore we started moving forward with our first IVF cycle, which included taking a 1 month break. RE wanted a few months break, but I barely have any patience left and waiting 1 month has been a killer. I can NOT imagine doing this for a few months. I will say it was worth it in terms of having time to figure out insurance coverage, get our bloodwork done and IG had to freeze a sample. All of that is now done. All that is left is the waiting. My period should start sometime over the next week and I'm dying for it to start. Funny how that's the exact opposite of the last two years where I was hoping/praying for it not to start. 

We have our prescriptions for the birth control and the antibiotics and will likely do 21 days of BCP before starting Lupron. So not only do I have to wait for this period to start, I have to wait 21 more days before starting anything real. I understand it and I get that it's the protocol and I know everyone going through IVF goes through some form of this same schedule, but dang it, it's hard. Like always, I do ok for the first couple of weeks and then the last week just drags and drags. Maybe after starting birth control I will be able to relax. Assuming my subconscious lets me, because there is nothing I can do for the next 3 weeks but take the pills and wait for the next step to start. It'll be interesting to see what it's like to be back on birth control, I've been off since before Q was born (obviously) so that's about 5 years at this point. I used to take the lowest dose, the mini pills, because it would make me so sick and so crazy. That is not what I got a prescription for so this should be interesting. 

I'm so anxious for this process to move forward that I created an excel calendar with project dates of when I think everything will happen. I won't get my calendar from the RE until my period starts, but I'm such a planner I couldn't help myself. Right now we are looking at ER and ET somewhere near the end of May. Which really isn't that far away, but feels like it might as well be next year at this point. I'm also starting to get seriously nervous about everything going ok. What if I don't respond to the medicine? What if we don't get a lot of eggs? What if none of them fertilize? What if they do fertilize, but all of the arrest? What if we do end up with beautiful embryos and this whole thing still doesn't work? I am already going crazy. 

I know I will be devastated if this doesn't work. And I know there is just as much chance it won't work that it will. I don't know how to prepare myself for that. I look at Q and feel this indescribable emotion, it is beyond love it is something that transcends love and I can't picture a world where I don't get to feel that again. He's started asking me a lot about babies and will randomly ask me if there is a baby in my belly or where his brother is and each of those questions breaks a little piece of my heart. I'm failing my precious little boy and it's chipping away at my heart. 

I started with a summary so I'll wrap it up with a summary: 

I'm anxious

I'm excited

I'm scared shitless

I'm hopeful

I'm crazy

and I'm desperately trying to focus on a positive outcome.