Today's Ultrasound

Had my RE appointment this afternoon to determine timing of this months IUI. All went good and I'm glad I pushed them to do it today, instead of Monday (they don't do routine ultrasounds on weekends). The office still seems surprised when I tell them that I ovulate early even while taking the clomid. Today is CD 9 or 10 depending on how you count the start of my period, I say it's day 10 RE's office saying it's day 9, but either way we are ready to go trigger for tonight and IUI Sunday morning. I had one follicle on my left that measured at about 12 and then two are my right one measured at 26 and the other at 29. So our protocol is trigger tonight, have sex, IUI Sunday morning. It'll be interesting to see how this goes.

Facebook Frustration

Tomorrow I have my ultrasound for my first IUI cycle. Even though we've done clomid the past two cycles I feel like this is the first real intervention type cycle, if that makes sense? My clomid cycles where not monitored, so this time around we will have a lot more Dr's appointments and b/w and general stress on how to fit it all into our schedules and Thanksgiving next week. So in light of all that I posted the following status on Facebook yesterday: Entering a chapter in my life I never imagined. The beginning is scary, I'm sure the middle will be difficult, but hopefully the ending will be beautiful.  Now I'm not generally a big Facebook poster, but I've been consumed by thoughts of what's ahead of us as we take this bigger leap into fertility treatments. Our families know what we are going through and a few of my close friends know as well, so I figured they would be able to deduce what that status was about - I was not prepared for people thinking that status was about being pregnant. Immediate reaction from folks was to post a comment to see if that was an announcement for baby number 2 - whoa had no idea my Facebook status was baby watch 2013. Was totally unprepared for that and even more so in the fact that my SIL and MIL posted on there about baby #2. First of all REALLY!!!!!!!! Second of all you know what we are going through so what are thinking posting that on my Facebook and Third do you really think when we get pregnant we wouldn't tell you and let you find out from a Facebook post.....again REALLY!!!! So I immediately deleted the entire thing, because the last thing I need is my entire Facebook world to think that I'm pregnant and it's like a cruel slap in the face. Maybe I'm naive and stupid - I honestly didn't expect to be bombarded with questions on that status being a baby announcement, especially by IG's family. And then I'm frustrated because I already feel restrain in expressing myself and I'm going through something and wanted some way to express it without coming out and saying it, but again I must just be naive and stupid. Honestly makes me want to delete my entire Facebook, because the last thing I need is scrutiny over everything I post to determine if it's related to a baby or not. And now I'm not even sure I can trust IG's family to not post something about what we are going through. We aren't public about it and I have co-workers on Facebook that have no idea what we are going through, so it would be really hard for me if that happened.

In other news, I'm trying patiently to wait for my ultrasound tomorrow and to see how everything looks. I'm anxious to get this show on the road, I feel like we've been stagnant for so long. At the same time I have no expectation that any of this will work. Infertility has trained me to expect a negative outcome so I can't even wrap my head around a positive one. I just keep thinking that since they don't know what's wrong there's no real chance that any of this will work. Also, I'm anxious/nervous because my RE is male and he's really good and I know it's not a big deal, but for me it just feels really uncomfortable to have anyone down there, but especially any guy who isn't my husband. I've always had female OB/GYN's for various reasons. I think I was slightly traumatized as a teenager by my first pap smear - not because anything bad happened, but just the overall experience. I've always been a bit of shy person when it comes to my body, except with the person I'm in a trusting relationship with, but I'm not a person who in general likes being naked in front of other people. I didn't breastfeed Q in front of my family, I always excused myself, it's just not something I'm comfortable with. My first pap smear was at the age of 17 as I was trying to obtain birth control - which I requested through my mother, but not with honesty that I was at the time having sex with my boyfriend.  Growing up we went to a family physician so the same Dr saw my entire family. So the prescription would have to come from him and in order to get it I needed a pap smear. It was initially made uncomfortable by the fact that he asked me while my mother was in the room if I was having sexually active and after I answered no said it's ok, I'll ask you again when your mother leaves - implying that I was lying (which of course I was, but really?). Thankfully, he did have my mother leave the room do the pap smear, but it just wasn't pleasant to have our family physician, the guy who'd seen me since I was an infant,  perform the pap smear and breast exam - compound that with the fact that I grew up in a very small town so it felt very odd to run into him the very next night at the high school basketball game. It was just not my ideal situation - I would, even to this day, prefer someone that I would never have to see outside in my real life. It just feels too weird to me. And given that fact that I've given birth were all modesty is out the window, you would think I would be over this, but I'm not. Not that I would switch RE's for that simple fact - I want the one that comes most highly recommended and that's the one I have - I'm just not overly enthused that on top of everything else I have to have a strange dude spending a lot of time looking at and putting things into my, you know what, fairly frequently for the next foreseeable future.

The Journey

I know that eventually my journey will end. I hope and pray that the end is near and that it's the end that I desire, but I know that either way at some point my journey will come to an end. Because they always do and then a new journey will start. Be that adoption or accepting life as a family of three. Right now is the hard part because I'm in the middle and the middle feels like moving forward without actually getting anywhere. It feels like walking on quick sand and sinking or being locked in a room alone with no way out. This is the hardest journey I've ever been on in my life to date and it's made especially hard by the feeling of failing constantly, of trying and getting nowhere, of hoping and always being let down, of being alone and lost and scared and sad, sometimes so very, very sad.

As I've mentioned before we are unexplained, there is no obvious reason why we can't conceive, highlighted by the fact that we were able to easily conceive Q. For me I think the journey would be easier, even if it was exactly the same, if I had some reason why we were going through it. Something concrete that I could point my finger at and direct my anger towards and blame for all the frustration and heartache and let down. But I don't. I have no explanation and so I take all those feelings and internalize them, knowing full well how dangerous that is. But I don't know what else to do.

We've changed the treatment plan for this cycle. I've decided I want to be more aggressive for a few a reasons: 1. It's been 5 months since I first met with the RE and I'm no farther along then I was 5 months ago, no closer to answers or pregnancy 2. I'm unexplained so basically we are on the generic one size fits all treatment plan 3. I have some insurance coverage and cost is not really a factor for us so I don't want nor need a slower paced plan due to lower cost options. So after 2 failed cycles of clomid plus timed intercourse we  are going to give IUI a try this month. I start clomid again on Saturday and then have my  ultrasound scheduled for next Friday - I usually ovulate around day 11 or 12 so hopefully we will be looking at doing insemination before Thanksgiving. The scheduling is a little difficult around the holidays, but I need to try something new. And I'm nervous because every time I've had some type of Dr's appointment or change my cycle has been a bit off and I feel like we are racing the clock being that I will ovulate at some point during Thanksgiving week and if it's on Thanksgiving then I'm likely out for this cycle.

I've also personally decided that I will try at most 3 IUI's and at most 3 fresh IVF cycles - if at that point we still aren't pregnant then it's time to end this journey with fertility treatments and decide where to go from there. I know that is still a lot of treatment and time in front of us, but I needed an end I could wrap my head around. The ability to know that we won't be in this forever, that this journey does have an end one way or another. Until then I continue to hope and pray for the end that includes a baby.

Going in Circles

Yesterday was what I'm guessing to be 14dpo and I say guessing because my temps have been crazy this cycle and FF can't detect my ovulation date based on my temps. So I'm going off of my +OPK dates and history, being that generally my history shows my O date to be the second +OPK date. However, I did have what looks to be a big dip in temperatures about 4 days after that, but - OPK results. So basically this being my first medicated cycle I'm very confused. I had my P4 tested on what I guessed to be 8dpo and the results came back at 55.5 so I felt pretty confident in guessing correctly the O date. However, yesterday I took a HTP and it was a BFN, I would expect my period sometime today or tomorrow given that its CD 27 and I've never (in the history of charting the last 14 of my 17 cycles) had an LP longer than 15 days, so my period should start tomorrow. BUT absolutely no signs that my period is coming, other than the BFN yesterday, but then again I have no signs that I'm pregnant either.

Needless to say I'm so very confused. Of course Dr. Google has some things to say about high P4 numbers sometimes indicating a pregnancy and at the very least indicating that I released more than one egg.  I tried my hardest not to let that get my hopes up, but most P4 numbers I read about where way lower than mine and the ones that were the same or higher were all from those taking progesterone. At this point, I'm thinking I was wrong about my O date, which would make me think maybe we are still in the game, but we didn't BD that much this month because IG got a nasty stomach bug from Q that lasted for a few days and so I think we missed our window. Can you tell I'm driving myself crazy????

There was no question about the BFN it was stark white. And I'm disappointed in myself for breaking down and buying a test, but I had no signs that AF was coming and my temps were staying pretty high (except today they dropped a bit) so I let myself hope. And I'm mad at myself for hoping. I feel stupid for thinking that I could possibly be pregnant. That high P4 numbers was an indicator of anything other than the fact that I'm ovulating which has never been the problem. I'm ovulating, my egg quality is good, IG has lots of sperm and they move just fine, but this goal feels impossible. Right now on this day it feels like I will never be pregnant again and I'm so pissed and sad and frustrated. The longer it takes the more I think about how I didn't want so many years between Q and a sibling and it's so frustrating that it's out of my control. And to top it off I found out last week that another friend of mine is pregnant, became that way without trying very hard and it's so unfair. And I hate that I can't even congratulate her. I can't muster it or face it or feel it. So I avoid it and deny it and bury it and hate it.

I read a lot of things that talk about how unfair infertility is, but nothing can do this feeling justice. It doesn't make any sense. There are no obvious physical reasons why we can't get pregnant and I hate that my life is just stuck in this pattern of going in circles. I hate that I focus so much time and energy on this when there is Q. I hate that every month I have to ride this roller coaster of emotions that never goes anywhere. I hate that I feel like a failure and that I don't trust my body anymore. I hate that I hate thinking about the future and being scared to make plans because I don't know what point in a cycle we will be in. I hate thinking that I will never know what it's like to be pregnant again or to hold my baby in my arms. I hate that we have a house full of empty rooms and a car that's way to big for a family of three. I hate that we bought them because we fully expected to fill them and I hate that we can't make that happen. I hate that there is no timeline or end in sight. I hate that I feel hopeless. And I hate that I don't know how to control it anymore. I don't understand the journey, I don't understand the lesson, I don't understand.

Playing The Baby Lottery

Today is day 7 of cycle 17 and my first cycle on clomid. Today was my fifth and last day of 50mg a day of clomid. This was prescribed by my RE and there is no monitoring this cycle so just clomid and TI (timed intercourse). The RE's nurse suggested that we have sex starting today through day 18....that is way more sex then either of us can handle at this point. I mean that is the amount of sex we had when we first met each other and while it was fun and exciting and new it was also exhausting, really really exhausting. Now let's add our increased responsibilities, our toddler into the mix and really who wants to have sex for 11 days straight - I don't have enough creative energy left in me to make that desirable. Maybe on vacation, maybe without the toddler or the requirement to be up at 6:30am every.single.day or the the ever present thought in the back of our heads that we are only have sex because someone else told us we should and if we don't, if we miss just one day then maybe we've screwed ourselves for a whole other month. Sounds awesome, right? And I have this, probably irrational but maybe substantial, thought that if the sex isn't good then we have no hope in this crazy baby lottery that we play every month. This is not to say that I don't find sex with my husband enjoyable - it's always enjoyable, but sometimes it's just hurry up and let me get to sleep enjoyable or don't kiss me I already have my retainer in enjoyable. We are not a couple that has sex every day and after Q was born sometimes we weren't even having sex every week. But we have moments - really good, incredible moments  - so the potential for amazing sex is always there and in my head I'm convinced that it takes one of those moments to create a baby. It would have to be an amazing  moment to win the baby lottery, just like it would have to be an amazing moment to win the money lottery. But 11 days of amazing moments just isn't going to happen.

Like every cycle I've spent the days of my period in a gray cloud of sadness. Walking daily through thoughts of never ending disappointment fogging my everyday life. I think this time around was a little more sever then usual, probably thanks to the clomid. It's not anything clinical, but it is a sadness that follows me around for days, where I think this will never happen for us and I hate every pregnant person and secretly judge them and their abilities to be a good parent. But just like every other cycle once my period ends the cloud slowly starts to recede and I feel a bit hopeful again. Infertility certainly is a roller coaster of emotions and for those of us with shorter cycles it's a very fast and bumpy ride. I get my period every three weeks so a fourth of my time I feel defeated and lonely and desperate, but three fourths of the time I feel hope and excitement. I fantasize about what it will feel like when my numbers finally hit and I win the lottery. I think about how it will not only change my life, but the life of my entire (extended) family and how they will feel. Especially now that we've come "out" so to speak about our struggles to conceive. It's an excitement that I feel in the pit of my stomach and it bubbles up and out through all of my extremities. It's a feeling that makes it hard to sit still, hard to work, hard to think of anything other than what it will feel like to be pregnant and to eventually hold that new tiny life. I can feel the joy in every ounce of my being, with the realization that my fantasized feelings are only a fraction of what it will actually feel like. What I do know is that it will be an amazing feeling, but until that point I continue to ride the infertility ride.

So five days of clomid this cycle - my side effects weren't really that bad. Slight head ache in the evenings and a bit of trouble sleeping the last few days, potentially lower lows during my period, but nothing to really complain about. Fingers crossed that clomid is just the lucky charm we need to hit the jackpot this month.

Still Here

And still not pregnant. Currently in the two week wait of my 3rd month since seeing the RE, this is the amount of time we agreed that I would continue to try naturally before moving on to taking to Clomid. Have no faith or thought that this month will be any different then the past 15, so fully expecting to be calling the RE in the near future for the first round of Clomid. Started this cycle on vacation so I'm not tracking at all, which has been kind of nice, no temps, no OPKs, no nothing - so I have no idea, outside of physical signs of ovulation, if we had good timing or not. Have no idea when my period is supposed to begin - guess it'll just be a nice little surprise.

In other news I've been tracking what we've spent so far. After battles with the insurance company I have managed to get some of the tests/consultations covered so this is lower then it could've been, but already not cheap and we haven't even done anything expensive yet:

So what's the problem...

I haven't been here in a while. Honestly I've just been exhausted. On top of all this we've been super busy the past few weeks with going to my parents, planning and having Q's birthday party and getting ready to leave for vacation (this weekend yay!!). And then my boss was out for a few weeks so things at work where super busy, plus I have to make a day trip to one of our delivery centers this week so I'm extra stressed about having the time to get everything ready for vacation. Within all that I did get my CD3 testing done about a month ago at this point and everything came back.....wait for it.......normal, sigh. I know most people would be relieved to find out that everything is fine, I mean we aren't even borderline on anything we are well within range for everything, but the no explanation is really hard for me. The nurse, when she called me, told me again that she was optimistic that I would get pregnant on my own. I wish I could believe her. My period is supposed to start this weekend and my temps have been dropping over the last few days so it looks like it's going to happen. We booked our vacation in March and I never imagined that I would NOT be pregnant on vacation. At the time I couldn't even wrap my mind around the fact that I would be sitting here all these cycles later without a pregnancy.

The plan for now is to try one more month natural and then move onto clomid for my mid-September cycle, if I'm not pregnant. Because my cycles are on the shorter side I should ovulate twice in September - during the first and last weeks. I'm just really praying for a summer baby, I would be so overjoyed if I could get pregnant this fall. Outside of that plan I've also started back with yoga and upped my exercise to 3 times a week from 2. Although that'll likely change as we move into Fall and Q starts swim lessons and soccer and we get generally busier. I love being able to practice yoga again. I've been doing a hot yoga class every Friday morning and it's no joke, it's really hard and my muscles definitely need to build up a bit, but I love it. It just relaxes me and centers me and calms and I feel like I can release the whole week and prepare for a new one. I wish I could go more than once a week, but just haven't been able to find it in the schedule yet. I've also started listening to some fertility meditations that I found online. My goal for this next cycle is try and listen to one every day. I don't think there can be anything bad about focusing my thoughts and love and energy into the child that I'm trying to create and anything that  helps keep me calm is always a good thing. I haven't tried acupuncture yet - I would love to try it, but I'm hesitant because of the money and trying to find time in my schedule.

I've also recently been embattled with the insurance company over my fertility coverage. This has been super stressful and honestly way more difficult that it should be. I honestly believe that they make it so hard that a person would just give up and stop fighting to correct an  incorrect claim, but not me. I had to fight them for three weeks to cover my appointment with the RE as 'in-network' therefore, completing my deductible requirement and moving my coverage amount up from 60% to 85%. Let me tell you it was a battle, but it was well worth it and I'm anticipating having to fight with them this entire time because this was so difficult.

So with all that I'm just ready for my cycle to re-start and to keep moving forward. Sucks that it's going to happen next week while we're on vacation, but at least I know I can drink!

In other life related news we celebrated Q's birthday this past weekend. It's a few weeks early, but we planned it that way as we are on vacation for the next two Saturdays. It was a lot of fun, but pretty exhausting. My entire in-law family came and stayed at our house for the weekend. So from Friday to Sunday we 8 additional people and 1 additional dog in the house. It was a lot of people to cook for, keep entertained and clean up after, but it was great to get see everyone as it only really happens with IG's family once or twice a year. Q had a great time celebrating his birthday. He's been talking about it for months and was over the moon when his yellow birthday party was finally upon us.

This post is kind of  mash of everything that is happening, but I guess it's fitting. We are dealing with infertility, but we keep moving forward, we celebrate birthdays and visit with family and plan and take vacations and look ahead because there is no point in looking back.

I'll leave you with a picture of Q from this weekend, which pretty accurately captures his pure birthday party joy.