If wishing it could make it so then I would already be pregnant. I would have been pregnant months and months and months ago. Now I sit here scared and worried and stressed about what to do next and how to make my next decisions when I either will or won’t be pregnant. But wishing doesn’t make it so, and perfectly timed sex doesn’t make it so and temping and charting and OPK’s don’t make it so. All of those help improve the chances sure, but if they made it so then I would be pregnant already. But here I sit still not pregnant with wonder in my heart if it will ever happen again. The first time was a chance, a surprise. And what a beautiful amazing surprise it turned out to be. It also turned out to be false advertising. Guess what?? my body says now, it’s not always that easy. The first time we weren’t even trying. We were using condoms and two times back to back we didn’t and two weeks later there was a second line on the pregnancy test. It was scary and I was shocked. It’s supposed to be harder than this. And it is, but my body fooled me into thinking it wasn’t. I got pregnant on the first try. I had no morning sickness. I delivered on my due date (so my cycles must be perfect, ha!). My labor was quick and I had a natural birth. I breastfed easily and successfully for 14 months. My body bounced back into better shape than it was before. I was made for this. My body was created for this process! And it convinced me that I could be/would be pregnant the second I decided to be. If wishing could make it so then I would already be pregnant. If all it took was sex without condoms then I would be 6/7/8 months along, I’d be headed into the last stretch. But I’m not even a month pregnant, not a week or a day pregnant.
We are taking a break this month and preventing instead of trying because my cycles have been so consistent (yes consistent) for the last 3 years (3 years! including pregnancy – with no cycles for 9 months- and postpartum – no cycles for 4 months – that’s 13 months total of no period!) that if I were to conceive this month the due date would be within 3 days of my son’s birthday. That’s crazy, like stupid crazy that I am ovulating (within +/- 2 days) at the exact same time in December of 2012 then I did in December of 2009. I was made for this! My body was made for this! It takes more than wishing, more than timing sex, more than perfect cycles, more than temperatures and OPKs. It takes luck and faith and a little magic. It takes love. It takes patience and persistence. This I now know for sure. When we conceived the first time the sex was spontaneous and passionate and really really good. Sex when purposefully trying to conceive is a totally different pattern. We tried not to make it different, but it becomes different. There’s no spontaneity and every month it becomes more of a have to then want to. We have sex when we’re sick (can’t miss the FW!), we have sex when we’re tired, we have sex when we’re mad…because we cannot miss the 2 days we have this month to conceive!! And it makes the process stressful and exhausting and disappointing.
If wishing it could make it so then I would already be pregnant. What I know for certain today is that my son is meant to be here. He was created in love and passion and the chances of that sperm hitting that egg were far less than I could have ever imagined. His creation was intentional and that gives me hope that “when it’s meant to be, it’ll be”. It’s hard to tell myself that when I see the pregnant lady walking down the street or read about the new royal baby and I think why it can’t be me. What’s wrong with me that I was not pregnant the minute I wanted to be? Because not everything works that way, because there is no medical explanation as to why all those sperms and all those eggs in all those months have not led to a pregnancy. Sometimes I’m not sure what I believe in, but I believe that conceiving a child is a divine act; however it occurs. And that it’s not about the parents (because we all know there are some bad parents out there) it’s about the child. That child is meant to be here at a specific point in time in which I have no control over. Just like no matter all the efforts or wives tales to induce labor it's not going to happen until the baby is ready. Becasue the fact is it's not the mother or even the mother's body that starts labor it's the baby. So all I can do is just breath, relax and look for the love. Because the love is there, I know the pregnancy and the baby will come.
This is my practice in patience and maybe it’s a lesson that I’m not only currently trying to teach my 2 year old but one that I need learn myself. If wishing could make it so then I would already be pregnant. It doesn’t, but I won’t stop wishing or hoping or praying for my next little miracle and when it comes I will be thankful for the journey I had to take and the lessons I had to learn. I may still be at the beginning or I could be nearing the end, either way I keep going and every month we will keep trying. I know in my heart that someday I will see that second line again and when I do all of this will have felt not so long at all. Life is a process and a journey and the start of life is no less of a process or a journey, so I'll try time and again to let go and let happen.
If wishing it could make it so then I would already be pregnant. What I know for certain today is that my son is meant to be here. He was created in love and passion and the chances of that sperm hitting that egg were far less than I could have ever imagined. His creation was intentional and that gives me hope that “when it’s meant to be, it’ll be”. It’s hard to tell myself that when I see the pregnant lady walking down the street or read about the new royal baby and I think why it can’t be me. What’s wrong with me that I was not pregnant the minute I wanted to be? Because not everything works that way, because there is no medical explanation as to why all those sperms and all those eggs in all those months have not led to a pregnancy. Sometimes I’m not sure what I believe in, but I believe that conceiving a child is a divine act; however it occurs. And that it’s not about the parents (because we all know there are some bad parents out there) it’s about the child. That child is meant to be here at a specific point in time in which I have no control over. Just like no matter all the efforts or wives tales to induce labor it's not going to happen until the baby is ready. Becasue the fact is it's not the mother or even the mother's body that starts labor it's the baby. So all I can do is just breath, relax and look for the love. Because the love is there, I know the pregnancy and the baby will come.
This is my practice in patience and maybe it’s a lesson that I’m not only currently trying to teach my 2 year old but one that I need learn myself. If wishing could make it so then I would already be pregnant. It doesn’t, but I won’t stop wishing or hoping or praying for my next little miracle and when it comes I will be thankful for the journey I had to take and the lessons I had to learn. I may still be at the beginning or I could be nearing the end, either way I keep going and every month we will keep trying. I know in my heart that someday I will see that second line again and when I do all of this will have felt not so long at all. Life is a process and a journey and the start of life is no less of a process or a journey, so I'll try time and again to let go and let happen.
