ER, Fert Reports and Such

Ok so ER was last Thursday and it went pretty well, but hurt a lot worse then I was prepared for. My clinic doesn't put you to sleep just a shot of medicine in the tush that makes you kind of loopy and sleepy, so I felt everything and I mean everything. I felt when he moved the needle in and out and immediately felt cramps when he started to drain the follicles. It felt like the end of my labor with Q and like a never ending contraction with no break in between. I gave birth without pain  medicine folks and I would say this was up there with the pain of end stages of labor. It could've been because I had a few very large follicles not sure if that makes any difference, but I had a few really big ones on the right side.

Today, four days later, I'm still feeling sore and crampy. It's uncomfortable to sit down and stand up and walk around or pee or sneeze or do anything that uses my abdominal muscles. I'm pretty sure I have at least a mild case of OHSS because I really expected this to be wrapped up by Saturday, but on Saturday I was in so much pain I was crying as I went to bed. Today I'm starting to feel closer to normal (not like I have permanent severe stomach ache). I told IG that of all the things I had to go through for this IVF cycle, this part was the worst by far. Walking around in constant pain for days was not fun at all.

So where did we end up? We had 17R of those all 17 were mature and of those 13 fertilized naturally. Last fert report, which was yesterday day 3, there were (7) 8-cell grade 1, (1) 12-cell grade 1, (2) 8-cell grade 2 and (3) 4-cell grade 3 embryos. So they were all still in the game but embryologist said that grades 1 and 2 make babies so we had 10 really still in the running. They don't call on day 4 (today) because they don't even take the embryos out of the incubator, according to the embryologist the embryos "do weird things" on day 4....whatever that means. But if its better for them to stay in then I'm fine not getting a call today. I'm scheduled for a 5 day transfer tomorrow at 10:45am and am still pretty certain we will transfer 2 blasts. We talked last night about the very real possibility of twins as our outcome and are still on the same page that we are ok with the risks and life changes that would be associated with having twins. Although last night it did make me a little sad to think about the fact that twins wouldn't' be able to get as much individualized attention as Q got when he was a baby. But there is of course no guarantee that we will have twins or a singleton for that matter, but I feel good that we have so many healthy embryos still chugging away.

It's so weird to think that there are little pieces of IG and I out there in the world just waiting to grow into our miracle. It's surreal. I was talking to my mom the other day (she's been up to date on this whole journey) and she was talking to me about IG being there for the transfer and said she was happy he would be with me (of course he would be with me) because he should be there when the baby(ies) are conceived and I said mom they are already conceived, that happened the day after they were retrieved.  Sometimes it feels like this whole process seems hard to comprehend for everybody.

I am getting excited for the transfer, worried about the time between transfer and testing and nervous that I went through all this and it might not work. I feel more confident since we were able to get so far with so many good quality embryos and feel lucky for that (of course I guess lots could happen between today and tomorrow). I really feel like we have a good chance of this being successful.

Oh and another note PIO shots haven't been too bad. They don't take long so it's really only like 15 secs of being uncomfortable. We are only doing 1/2ml so there isn't much there for IG to have to push in. I put an ice pack on before hand and a heating pad on afterwards and so far haven't had much soreness. It's not the most enjoyable part of my day, but it's doable so that's a relief because I was worried about how they would go.

Fingers, toes, everything crossed that things go well tomorrow and then I start my two days of bed rest and 8 days of torture till beta.

Retrieval Tomorrow

Ok so I will admit, this did go kind of fast. This last week anyways. So I was wrong. There I said it. Now that that's out of the way...holy crap retrieval is tomorrow! I went in Saturday for another monitoring appointment and had the same number of follicles all growing nicely, lead was 15 and my E2 was 803, so they wanted me back on Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning I go and there are ton more follicles in there, I think there are like 18 or more now and lead is 20. I didn't see my normal RE so I was trying to take a ninja view of the ultrasound but it's so hard to keep it all straight. Lining is just over 10, so RE said we are absolutely 100% ready to go. Triggered last night with Noveral and dude my ass is so sore today. I don't know if it's that extra 1/2 inch on the needle - I'm one of the lucky ones who got 1 1/2 inch needles - or if IG really jammed it in there this time. I'll tell you though when he put that needle in my whole right leg twitched and it feels like he hammer fist punched me in the ass. It's sore to walk on and sore to sit on, can't even wait to do this with PIO every night for who knows how long. And yes it will all be worth it, but I'm allowed a little sympathy.

Took a hpt today and it was positive, which indicates the HCG is in my system so we are go for tomorrow morning at 9:15. I'm super excited and super nervous. Can't wait to actually get it over with and see what we're really working with.

On another note today is joyous day because I don't have to get any shots!

You know that moment when you see someone you know, in a place you don't want to be seen? Yeah that was me yesterday at the lab waiting to get my blood drawn for my appointment. I'm sitting there in the very small waiting room and in walks a mom from Q's school, a mom that I actually know from Q's school, a mom that we've seen a lot of times in a lot of different areas and there she is. And I know that it shouldn't feel shameful or secretive, but I want people to know what we are going through on our own terms. So I tried desperately to hide my face with my hair and text on my phone (thought I was texting IG, turns out I was texting my mom and dad...another fail). The only redeemer in this situation is that she was there for the exact same reason I was. Hopefully that means we will both just pretend that we never saw each other.

At this point there is nothing else to say except I can't wait for it to be tomorrow morning and I feel so hopeful and I want this feeling to last and I want this to be our miracle.

Monitoring Appointment #1

Yesterday I finally had my monitoring appointment. I feel like from everything I've read that my appointments seem a lot less frequent then others, so it makes me nervous. So far for this cycle it's only the second time I've been, baseline was last week and then 5 days later, yesterdays appointment, I was anticipating a lot more appointments than that. Doesn't feel normal, but honestly I don't have any sense of what normal really is.  Regardless, it does seem like things are moving along nicely. I was super anxious because I haven't been feeling anything in my ovaries or uterus or in that general vicinity. I haven't felt bloated or any pain or discomfort (aside from what is there from the shots). Despite not feeling anything there are a good amount follicles growing in there. RE talked through it rather quickly at the ultrasound so going from memory there were 4 or 5 follicles on the right all right around 10 and then another 3 or 4 slightly smaller than that and on the left there were 4 follicles all round 8. RE said everything looks really good, he said that having so many all around the same size indicates to him that they are healthy. Which made feel very relieved. RE told me that mine was the best scan of the morning (and then not to brag about it, but I figure I can do it here...since no one is really around anyways). He followed that up with you don't know me that well yet, but I don't say those types of things haphazardly. So I'm going to take what he says and run with it.

E2 levels came back at 180 yesterday. I was carrying around my phone all afternoon waiting for the call and then of course the one time I stepped away from my desk without it they called. Even though I wouldn't have gotten any different information had I talked to the nurse, for some reason it just makes me feel better to actually talk to them rather than listening to a voice mail. Nurse said the E2 number was really good and to continue my protocol as is (5units of Lupron & 3 vials (225IU) of Bravelle). I go back on Saturday for another E2 test and ultrasound. Right now they are anticipating a Monday or Tuesday trigger with a Wednesday or Thursday retrieval.

Even though we are moving forward and I know when next week gets here I'll feel like it happened fast, right now it still feels like it's moving so slow. I wish I was going back on Friday instead of Saturday because Saturday feels so far away. I'm guessing after that I'll be back on Monday where they will make the call to trigger that day or the day after.

In other news the weather is supposed to be really nice this weekend, which is exciting because Q loves the pool and has been talking for at least 2 months about the big pool opening. So happy that the weather will cooperate for us to go this weekend and I will be there bathing suite and all even if I'm bloated and feeling gross because the joy Q will get it from it is bigger than anything I might be going through. Also, cannot wait for the 3-day weekend, it is so unbelievably needed.

I'm Insane

Literally this process is making me crazy. I know I said this before, but I never thought time could go so slow. I have my next appointment tomorrow morning to check E2 levels and do an ultrasound and this day has felt like an entire week it is moving so slow. Like seriously I still have at least a whole other week to go before the ER. I'm so nervous/anxious/crazy that my stomach is upset, I don't feel like eating and thoughts of concentrating are out the window. I can only focus on this one thing. I don't feel anything yet from the stims, so I have to google that, I start thinking about my AFC so I have to google that, I'm worried about the stim medication I'm taking (cause did I mention I don't feel anything) so I have to google that. I have decided Google and the Internet are evil, evil things and I wish they were never invented. I need a distraction, but unfortunately my job requires me to sit at a computer with the internet at my finger tips all day long. I mean who can resist that type of temptation. Not this girl, that's for sure.

My brain is on constant loop of:

What if I'm not responding?

What if my numbers are bad?

What if they want to cancel my cycle?

What if everything is good?

What if this doesn't work....what if this doesn't work.....what if this doesn't work

I've never felt so stuck in my life. I've never felt so crazy in my life. I've never been so invested in the outcome of anything in my life.

I want to think in terms of this summer when I'm pregnant. On vacation when I'm pregnant. Next fall at our friends wedding when I'm pregnant. Next summer when we have a new baby or babies. Every time I start down that path my brain shuts me down, my emotions shut me down, my heart shuts me down. It feels so risky to hope, to believe that this could actually work. It all feels like a farce. This can't be real life, can it?

I've never been good dealing with the unknown. I plan vacations at least 6 months in advance and I have no control over the schedule of my immediate future. It's making me insane...potentially the hormonal enhancing drugs I'm on have something to do with this crazy feeling, potentially. But turns out knowing that and actually knowing that are two very different things.

This is my journey and I have to accept that. So let me repeat....Peace. Patience. Acceptance. Surrender. Hope. Faith. Love. Intention.

Peace with the situation, it is what it is and being crazy won't change it

Patience with the process, everything has a timeline, which means all things have an ending

Acceptance that this is the journey that I need to take in order to call this child into my life

Surrender to the process, I've done what I can to help my body along, but at this point its out of my hands

Hope that this will have a positive outcome and if not that we still have options in front of us

Faith that this child will come into my life at the exact moment it is supposed to and that this is the exact journey I need to be on at this exact moment in my life

Love unconditional for the family I have and the family that I will have

Intention for the child that will be, we are following a path that very intentionally calls a child into this world, there is no question that this child is wanted and loved

Stims Day 3

Today is my third day of stims and so far....not as easy as I thought. I had my baseline last Thursday and my anterior follicle count was I think around 12 and my E2 level came back at 5. Nurse said they want the number below 80, but man that is really below 80 and of course Dr. Google can't give me any explanation or examples of this being good or bad. I did find that above 80 means that there would be some concern with diminished ovarian reserve, so does that mean my reserve is really good? Feels like it just means I have a longer way to go to get to an acceptable number with stims, but I have no control over this, my body either will or will not respond to the medicine and since this is our first time through it there is no way to tell until there is more blood work and ultrasounds. Patience.

At the baseline appointment Dr. Williams decided to up my dose to 3 vials (225 IU) daily of Bravelle starting Saturday instead of doing the first 3 days with only 2 vials (150 IU). So I've been doing 1 vial in the morning and 2 and in the evening. Stims are definitely a little harder than the Lupron. I starting doing the Lupron in my legs just to give my belly a bit of a break and so far that has been going pretty good, all though this morning I did get a bleeder, but the 5 units is super easy, it's such a small amount of medicine. It is much harder to do the Bravelle with an actual syringe instead of the insulin syringes. It's hard to manage the needle, switch hands and stuff and then it's harder to push it in because it's an actual syringe and there is a lot more medicine then with the Lupron. Plus, the medicine stings going in, so the needle won't hurt going in, but as soon as I start injecting the medicine it starts stinging so that's not a lot of fun. And the areas where it goes are a lot more sore, I'm guessing because the needle is in there for a longer period of time because it takes longer to get the medicine in. Overall, it's a little harder than I thought it would be. I tried to do the stims like the Lupron at first and that was a mistake, definitely can't do it one handed and I had to learn that lesson with a very sore spot on my belly. Which in turn limits my places even more.

Next appointment is Wednesday morning and I'm anxiously awaiting it, can't wait to see how I am responding to the medicine. I've already starting getting head aches and hot flashes, but haven't felt too bloated yet (my pants still fit comfortably, but my belly does look a little bigger). I don't feel anything happening in there so that makes me anxious about nothing happening.

If everything is moving along like it should then ER should be next week. Here's hoping that Wednesday gets here fast and that things are going in the right direction.

No but seriously...

The waiting is the worst part, the absolute worst part. I'm not sure how it is possible for time to slow down so much, like it feels like it's basically stopped. And I'm not talking about the 2WW folks, I'm still just waiting to start stims and then waiting for the ER. I have finished with the birth control and now I"m just doing Lupron every morning and I keep trying to tell myself one more week, then 10 more days (hoping I only stim for 10 days) because that sounds better than 17 or more days before ER. That feels like a lifetime. Almost an entire month left to go! So I think one more week, then 10 more days. Hoping that after this week ends those 10 days will fly by. I have a Dr's appointment this Thursday to check E2 levels and do an ultrasound and then start stims on Saturday. I.Just.Need.To.Make.It.To.Saturday....without going crazy.

It feels like the second week of the 2WW. I'm completely distracted at work, I can't concentrate, I look at the calendar and message boards multiple times a day, like that will make time go faster. And to top things off, this week is going to be less crazy then a typical week because Q is done with every activity except soccer at this point. So that means I only have to run around like a crazy person today and then I have nothing else to distract me for the rest of the week.

I don't think I would be remiss to say that the waiting is the worst part. It's worse then the shots, its worse then the idea of that 1&1/2 needle going into my ass, it's worse than worrying about the amount and quality of eggs or what the retrieval will be like. Because it's waiting and waiting for all of that to happen while feeling like I'm accomplishing nothing, without knowing if things are on track or what the schedule will be. And obsessing over the timeline every second of the day just makes the day go slower. But I don't know how to stop my mind, obviously. Just one more week and then 10 more days....I can do it.

Done....

With mandatory counselling session

With the injection class, I now know how to mix the Bravelle and what to expect with PIO

With birth control pills

7 more days until ultrasound and blood work

9 more days until stims

.......waiting, waiting, waiting.