Let's Get This Party Started

We are finally into our first IVF cycle and even though we are on the road it still feels like we are moving at an impossibly slow pace. I am on day 12 of birth control pills and start Lupron injections on Wednesday. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I'm excited to get started and starting the Lupron feels like an actual start, but I'm nervous about all this not working. My prevailing thought is that this has a greater chance of working than not working....I'm just trying to hold onto that thought.

Here's how our schedule lines up so far: 

• April 15: CD 1
• April 17: Start BCP and antibiotics
• April 21: RE appointment to get calendar and have mock transfer
• April 23: Last antibiotic
• April 25: Meds delivered - Lupron, Bravelle, PIO, Novarel, Minocin, Zofran - plus 165 needles, plus a prescription for Xanax to be filled
• April 30: Start Lupron 10 units every morning
• May 1: Mandatory IVF counselling session
• May 6: Mandatory injection class
• May 7: Last BCP
• May 8-10: Potential period start
• May 15: Baseline B/W and ultrasound
• May 17: Decrease Lupron to 5 units, start Bravelle - 1 vial in the morning & evening
• May 20: Increase Bravelle to 2 vials in the evening
• May 21: B/W and ultrasound
• May 22-26: Possible B/W and ultrasounds, to be scheduled on demand
• May 28: Probable ER - Start POI
• June 2: Probable ET
• June 11: Probable Beta

Of course dates there towards the end are subject to change based on how I'm responding to the medicine, so really May 15 onward it's on demand scheduling. I was told to expect to take day of retrieval and following day off, as well as, bed rest day of and after transfer. I plan to take the entire 5-7 days off work depending on how the schedule works out. I think that will just be easier to manage. 

It's hard to imagine that we are here and when I really sit down and think about it I can't believe we are to this point. This past weekend my brother and sister-in-law came to visit with their kids and I was explaining to my SIL all the medicine I had and what the schedule looked like etc and my nephew said to me "What do you have cancer or something?" And he's right there is so much to this whole process, Dr appointments, medicines, injections and treatments. I know it's been said before in this community, but I think others really don't truly understand that this is in fact a major medical event that is happening in my life. And I am by no means comparing my infertility to cancer, this is of course not life threatening. That being said it doesn't make it any less medically impactful to my life. 

I also just want to take a moment and state how grateful I am for the insurance coverage that I have. My insurance hasn't also been the easiest to work with and has processed the large majority of my claims incorrectly. I've spent a lot of time on the phone with them battling about deductibles and what is and isn't covered by my plan. But for IVF the coverage is really amazing and I have to take a moment and feel the gratitude I have for that. For this IVF cycle we've had to pay less than a thousand dollars out of pocket ($638 to the RE, $23 for B/W, $175 frozen sperm sample, $30 for non-specialty prescriptions and $120 for medication). I know a lot of couples going through this have no or limited coverage and I can't imagine having to make that decision between perusing treatment or not because of the financial impact. That shouldn't even have to be a factor. So while I may have complained about my insurance, and they certainly have caused me heartburn in the past, I am nothing but grateful for the coverage that is provided by my employer and my insurance. 

Gratitude Journal #4

Today.....I am grateful for my insurance coverage and the job that provides it for me.

I am grateful for the joy that Q has brought to my life.

I am grateful that it is not raining.

I am grateful for my ability to analyze, organize and procrastinate.

I am grateful that today was warm enough that I could wear a skirt.

I am grateful that we have the means and ability to do IVF.

I am grateful for the information I have gained from the book I'm reading.

I am grateful for the practice of yoga and the calm and peace it has brought into my life.

Waiting Just Plain Sucks

It's been awhile since I've been around so for a quick catch up...IUI #3 was a bust (which I completely expected - I'm not even sure we got the timing right), therefore we started moving forward with our first IVF cycle, which included taking a 1 month break. RE wanted a few months break, but I barely have any patience left and waiting 1 month has been a killer. I can NOT imagine doing this for a few months. I will say it was worth it in terms of having time to figure out insurance coverage, get our bloodwork done and IG had to freeze a sample. All of that is now done. All that is left is the waiting. My period should start sometime over the next week and I'm dying for it to start. Funny how that's the exact opposite of the last two years where I was hoping/praying for it not to start. 

We have our prescriptions for the birth control and the antibiotics and will likely do 21 days of BCP before starting Lupron. So not only do I have to wait for this period to start, I have to wait 21 more days before starting anything real. I understand it and I get that it's the protocol and I know everyone going through IVF goes through some form of this same schedule, but dang it, it's hard. Like always, I do ok for the first couple of weeks and then the last week just drags and drags. Maybe after starting birth control I will be able to relax. Assuming my subconscious lets me, because there is nothing I can do for the next 3 weeks but take the pills and wait for the next step to start. It'll be interesting to see what it's like to be back on birth control, I've been off since before Q was born (obviously) so that's about 5 years at this point. I used to take the lowest dose, the mini pills, because it would make me so sick and so crazy. That is not what I got a prescription for so this should be interesting. 

I'm so anxious for this process to move forward that I created an excel calendar with project dates of when I think everything will happen. I won't get my calendar from the RE until my period starts, but I'm such a planner I couldn't help myself. Right now we are looking at ER and ET somewhere near the end of May. Which really isn't that far away, but feels like it might as well be next year at this point. I'm also starting to get seriously nervous about everything going ok. What if I don't respond to the medicine? What if we don't get a lot of eggs? What if none of them fertilize? What if they do fertilize, but all of the arrest? What if we do end up with beautiful embryos and this whole thing still doesn't work? I am already going crazy. 

I know I will be devastated if this doesn't work. And I know there is just as much chance it won't work that it will. I don't know how to prepare myself for that. I look at Q and feel this indescribable emotion, it is beyond love it is something that transcends love and I can't picture a world where I don't get to feel that again. He's started asking me a lot about babies and will randomly ask me if there is a baby in my belly or where his brother is and each of those questions breaks a little piece of my heart. I'm failing my precious little boy and it's chipping away at my heart. 

I started with a summary so I'll wrap it up with a summary: 

I'm anxious

I'm excited

I'm scared shitless

I'm hopeful

I'm crazy

and I'm desperately trying to focus on a positive outcome.