A Battle for Love

There are no words that can describe how desperately I want to have another baby. It consumes just about every waking moment in my life and has for the past year. This was never a battle I thought I would have to fight, but I find myself fighting it none the less. And you know what? I'm one tough fighter. I always have been, even as a little girl. And I'm not going to lose this fight, I refuse. I refuse to give up, I refuse to let go, I refuse to stop believing that all this love I have inside me isn't meant for that perfect baby that will be mine one day. I am not a perfect mother. I have made plenty of mistakes. I have lost my temper and yelled at my child in frustration in lack of what else to do. I have turned by back only to find him running down the middle of the street or down the aisle in the store or jumping into the deep end of the pool or holding a pair of scissors. I am not a perfect mother, no where near perfect. But I love my son so fiercely that it scares me sometimes. This feeling is unlike any other and I am so connected to that little person it is unbelievable. I know that I have that within me already for this baby to be. I have so much love for this baby that is still just a wish in my heart and that I am so desperately trying to conceive.So much that every time my cycle ends I literally feel a sense of loss. I have mourned 14 times for those babies that I was unable to conceive and each time it gets harder. Despite the disappointment, my love for this baby to be only grows stronger and that love is what keeps me going. It's shocking how strong the love is for this child that doesn't yet exist in my life. 

It's this love that is going to keep carrying me forward, especially today where all signs are pointing to another cycle ending in a period instead of a pregnancy. I was hopeful this cycle. Outside of the fact that we had really good timing I just felt more hope this time. Twice this cycle I had this feeling about the room that will be the nursery that I've never had before. Once walking by it, just seeing from the corner of my eye, I could feel it as a child's room, I could feel what it would be like to have another child in that room. And a second time while in there with my son, looking out the front window talking to his dad, I got that same feeling.  It felt like home, like family, like comfort and light and life even though it's just a room with two air mattresses and Q's misplaced furniture. I could feel the love in that room, it was palpable, it took my breath away and filled me with joy.  I thought that feeling was a good sign, my intuition kicking in and so I had extra hope this time. But today it looks like this cycle isn't meant to be my cycle. My body is giving me signs that usually mean my period is just a few days away. 

I don't know why it's so hard this time around. I don't know why it is such a battle or why it is taking so long or what else I can do to achieve a different outcome. But I believe with my entire being, my whole heart and sole and existence that this is a battle for love and love will keep me strong. It will keep me hopeful and it will keep me moving forward. Did my heart hurt today? Yes it did. Am I sad? Yes I am. But did I lose my hope or resilience or belief that someday I will carry another child. No I didn't. I know that the plan for my life includes more than one child. I know it in my core. I can see it so clearly in my head, my pregnant belly, my labor, Q holding the baby. I can literally feel the weight of that tiny baby on my body. So on days like today where I'm faced with another disappointment I will cry and mourn and pick myself up again and try again because it's a long way from over. 

Summertime Fun and RE Appointment Scheduled

I was off work all last week just to stay home and hang out with Q and it was really great. It was his transition week from the sitters to early preschool, which started today. It was so much fun and so precious to just get to spend that one on one time with him. It amazes me how much I love that kid it's an unbelievable, indescribable kind of love. For the first time last week I thought that 18 years is not enough time to spend with this kid under my roof, I want more time. Now maybe I'm optimistic that Q will go to college at 18 or that he won't live at home while he does it, but all those things seem like very real possibilities and I can't believe I only have 15 years left! It's funny cause while growing up, 18 couldn't come fast enough, I was so ready to get out of my parents house I felt so grown and so mature and I was soooo neither of those things. And on this side, 18 years is not enough with Q, he is the most awesome little kid I've ever met. He's so intelligent and funny and serious and handsome and loving and talkative and curious and obnoxious (he's a 2 so it comes with the territory). Spending this last week with him was such a blessing and we had so much fun together. I know everyday that I'm doing the right thing for my family and myself by working, but it's times like those where I get a little inkling of wishing I stayed at home. Needless to say we had a great time and today he started school and so far so good. He seemed a little apprehensive this morning when we were in his classroom, but there was no crying and the school has emailed me that he's doing great today. I hope he really like it's and really flourishes there (which I'm pretty certain he will).

In baby making news, I'm into the second week of the two week wait for this month. Timing looks really good we hit O-2, O-1, O and O+1 so here's hoping that the HSG did clear out the pipes and that this month will be our month. I've been doing a lot better lately with the worrying and just holding a feeling that when the timing is right it will happen, either naturally or with intervention. My period is due this Sunday so we will see. I did get the call last week from OB that confirmed all the tests came back normal (thanks already knew that!). They asked me what I wanted to do next and I said I wanted to work with an RE if/when I do any medicated cycles so I have my first RE appointment schedule for July 9. That way if my period does start I'm already on the books since it takes about 2 weeks to get an appointment. I haven't done any CD3 testing yet and that date would be past CD3 assuming my period starts Sunday and lasts the standard 6 days - so we'll have to wait to August to start any additional testing. But fingers doubled crossed I won't even need the appointment!

Be at Peace

Today I am trying to let go of the things I cannot control. This is hard for me, really really hard. There are so many things that are outside of my control and dealing with that is one of the big struggles of my life. I'm a planner, I'm a logical thinker, I can break down tasks and items and categorize and manage and control. If only I could do that with my body (or my two year old!) I think I would be a much more peaceful person. But every day is a new day and a chance to try again. So today I declare health, I declare favor and I declare abundance. Today I know that I am blessed, I am strong, I am healthy and this will be great year. (yes sometimes affirmations make me feel better or a least less likely to go crazy at any minute).

I found this on a blog a few weeks ago and as I look to my future and whatever it may hold, I hope to keep this in mind along the journey and learn to let go and know that it'll be ok in the end.

"Be at Peace" by Saint Frances de Sales

Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life;
rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise,
God will lead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in his arms.

Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day.
He will either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

HSG Complete

Today I had a Hysterosalpingogram or what is more commonly called an HSG. WebMD describes an HSG as the following: an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. It often is done for women who are having a hard time becoming pregnant (infertile). 

This was a pretty easy procedure and even though I knew a bit about it before going in it was a little different than I expected. My OB never told me who would be performing the procedure and for whatever reason I wasn't expecting a radiologist, even though it was scheduled in the hospital.  I guess it makes sense in the fact that they took X-rays, but for some reason I thought it would either be my OB or an OB specialist performing the test. Anyways, the whole thing probably took 15 minutes max once the Dr was there. It's a bit odd to be all set up just like I'm getting an annual exam but on an x-ray table. It's also awesome that because it's an x-ray room there were not any stirups - good thing the nurse gave me those grip socks so my feet didn't slide right off the end of the X-ray table. Also odd that after the speculum and catheter are inserted I was told to push myself back and straighten out my legs - feels a bit awkward to say the least. Overall it didn't hurt much, just a slight cramp when the balloon was inflated and then a slight cramp when the Dr asked me to roll one side then the other to get some side shots. Outcome? Radiologist said everything looks perfect - his words exactly and the second time I've heard that word used. Everything looks exactly how it should, fluid flowed nicely and no evidence of polyps or scaring or anything. He did confirm that my uterus is slightly tilted and then asked me if my husband had been tested because these pictures looked so good. Yes, he has thank you. He will write up a full report and send to my OB over the next day or two and I guess we decide where to go from there. 

So far here is where we stand: 

• Blood work 8dpo (lab was closed for memorial day on 7dpo) - looked at progesterone and THS - both good
• SA - looks perfect
• HSG - looks perfect

So no obvious signs of an issue other than the fact that 14 cycles later we still aren't pregnant. Dr said today that he has heard of some success after an HSG because it can clear out all the junk I guess? Would be awesome, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I mean it could always happen I suppose, but I'm so used to it not happening that I get to a point where I would be shocked if it did happen. 

So looks like our next step is to move onto the RE. Waiting for official word from OB on the HSG, but I don't imagine that what the radiologist writes in his report will be different than what he was saying in the room. I've also decided to try to give acupuncture a try. I've read about its positive effect on fertility so I figure it can't hurt. And I'm planning to go next week and enroll at a yoga studio - looking for ways to lower my stress - again can't hurt and gives me an added bonus of getting some extra workouts into my routine. 

In other news today is Q's last day at his sitters house. He's been going there for almost 2 years and I'm sad for it to come to end. He loves going there and get's to play with her little boy whose only 4 months older than Q, but she's ultimately decided to go back to full time work this fall. He is going to start early pre-school week after next and then pre-school in the fall. I'm taking next week off to just hang out with him and give him some time to transition out of going to his sitters. I think he will do really well at school, but I'm worried about how he'll adjust. He's been at his current place so long he probably doesn't remember anything different and he's old enough now to miss things or people so I'll be sad if he's sad that he won't get to see his buddy anymore. Fingers crossed everything goes smooth. 

And so we've picked a path....

So I started this blog because I was having a bad day and just needed to get some thoughts out and I haven't come back to it since. I walk this line of wanting to share and fear of what sharing means and what others will think. My journey of expanding my family is a longer and harder road then I thought it would be and so my goal is to track it here and hopefully find some release from getting things out. Maybe I'll keep this just to myself or maybe I'll advertise it, who knows, but for now it's a place for me to collect my thoughts and track my journey.

Today I am on CD 6 of cycle 14 month 12. So for those of you who are outside the sphere of trying to conceive that means my period started 6 days ago, I have had 14 periods in 1 year and not one positive pregnancy test. My cycles are typically between 24-26 days, so I therefore have had some months with 2 cycles. I have temp'd, used OPK's, started taking pre-natals and folic acid and evening primrose oil. IG starting taking vitamins aimed at male fertility and still nothing. None of it has helped. I've stopped buying pregnancy tests because they are just a waste of money and I can't stomach anymore stark white negative tests. My mind finds that dark space that says I'll never see another positive test again. It's exhausting and frustrating and sad, those days are very very sad. And we so we've decided to move forward with fertility testing. I called my OB GYN last month and have started/scheduled the first round of tests and so far everything is coming back normal which is more devastating then finding something wrong. If everything is normal then how come I'm not pregnant? A diagnosis of unexplained infertility scares me more than anything else because how do you even make a treatment plan for that?

So far I've had 7dpo blood work done - everything is normal. IG had an SA done - everything is "perfect" (nurses words) and on Wednesday I have an HSG scheduled. For those who are not familiar with infertility an HSG is a test in which the Dr will insert dye into my uterus using a catheter  to make sure my tubes are open and that there are no obvious abnormalities with my uterus. I feel 95% confident that everything is going to look fine and I'm 100% confident that this is going to be agonizing to hear. My OB does do some treatment in her office, but I have decided that when this done I'm going to be requesting a referral to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). I really like my OB, she's my favorite by far of all the ones I've had in my life but I need more answers and knowledge then what she can provide. She's not a specialist and her stance has been "we know it works" since I have Q already - but that's not good enough for me anymore. I've waited 14 cycles to seek any type of testing/treatment and I'm ready to move forward. I feel like we've just been stuck in this cycle of taking life 2 weeks at a time. And I know that is going to continue until I get pregnant, but I'm ready to do everything it takes to make that happen.

When we started this journey to expand our family I was so naive. I honestly believed that because it happened so easily the first time that it would happen so easily the next time. I never thought it would be possible to be infertile and didn't even know that a thing called secondary infertility existed. But it does and it looks like I fall into that category. As of right now it looks like I'm headed down the road to unexplained infertility and for me that is so discouraging because if we don't know what is wrong how do we know how to fix it? How do we know how to treat it? How do we know we won't just be throwing are money away on treatments that will get us nowhere? All of this is why I want to see a RE - I know this means more tests and more time and more money, but hopefully it'll also mean more answers and more encouragement and more hope.

This has been a real struggle. It's been hard for me because I feel the shame of infertility, I feel the guilt for disliking every.single.pregnant.lady that I see and that even translates into new tiny babies. I'm having a hard time letting go of the family I imagined in my head - the one with siblings closer in age. One of the hardest things for me is to look at Q and know what an amazing big brother he would be and to feel the disappointment in myself that I haven't been able to give that gift to him. And in the spirit of honesty, it's been hard on our marriage. It's very stressful for us and for me in particular and stress doesn't always manifest itself with me in healthy ways and I get sad or angry and lash out at Q or the dogs or IG and it's hard to go through that cycle for a year and to not know when it might end. So I'm looking for ways to help reduce this in myself, taking time alone, starting back with yoga, mediating and visualizing and looking into counseling because there are just some things we can work through on our own.

I'm not really nervous about the HSG on Wednesday...more annoyed really because it's schedule over a weekly meeting that I lead at work and I have to find someone to cover for me. On top of that I have to figure out what to say about why I'll be late to work. It's not a big deal for me to be out for a Dr's appointment, but my boss always asks if everything is ok and I answer with a yes, but it just feel awkward for me. Especially because he knows I wouldn't normally be out on Wednesday mornings because of the meeting. I'm likely over thinking it, but it makes me uncomfortable regardless. I know I'm silly that I'm more uncomfortable with thought of having to say I'm out for a Dr's appointment then I am with the thought of having dye injected into my uterus. I get that this is not normal, but there you have it.