Retrieval Tomorrow

Ok so I will admit, this did go kind of fast. This last week anyways. So I was wrong. There I said it. Now that that's out of the way...holy crap retrieval is tomorrow! I went in Saturday for another monitoring appointment and had the same number of follicles all growing nicely, lead was 15 and my E2 was 803, so they wanted me back on Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning I go and there are ton more follicles in there, I think there are like 18 or more now and lead is 20. I didn't see my normal RE so I was trying to take a ninja view of the ultrasound but it's so hard to keep it all straight. Lining is just over 10, so RE said we are absolutely 100% ready to go. Triggered last night with Noveral and dude my ass is so sore today. I don't know if it's that extra 1/2 inch on the needle - I'm one of the lucky ones who got 1 1/2 inch needles - or if IG really jammed it in there this time. I'll tell you though when he put that needle in my whole right leg twitched and it feels like he hammer fist punched me in the ass. It's sore to walk on and sore to sit on, can't even wait to do this with PIO every night for who knows how long. And yes it will all be worth it, but I'm allowed a little sympathy.

Took a hpt today and it was positive, which indicates the HCG is in my system so we are go for tomorrow morning at 9:15. I'm super excited and super nervous. Can't wait to actually get it over with and see what we're really working with.

On another note today is joyous day because I don't have to get any shots!

You know that moment when you see someone you know, in a place you don't want to be seen? Yeah that was me yesterday at the lab waiting to get my blood drawn for my appointment. I'm sitting there in the very small waiting room and in walks a mom from Q's school, a mom that I actually know from Q's school, a mom that we've seen a lot of times in a lot of different areas and there she is. And I know that it shouldn't feel shameful or secretive, but I want people to know what we are going through on our own terms. So I tried desperately to hide my face with my hair and text on my phone (thought I was texting IG, turns out I was texting my mom and dad...another fail). The only redeemer in this situation is that she was there for the exact same reason I was. Hopefully that means we will both just pretend that we never saw each other.

At this point there is nothing else to say except I can't wait for it to be tomorrow morning and I feel so hopeful and I want this feeling to last and I want this to be our miracle.

Monitoring Appointment #1

Yesterday I finally had my monitoring appointment. I feel like from everything I've read that my appointments seem a lot less frequent then others, so it makes me nervous. So far for this cycle it's only the second time I've been, baseline was last week and then 5 days later, yesterdays appointment, I was anticipating a lot more appointments than that. Doesn't feel normal, but honestly I don't have any sense of what normal really is.  Regardless, it does seem like things are moving along nicely. I was super anxious because I haven't been feeling anything in my ovaries or uterus or in that general vicinity. I haven't felt bloated or any pain or discomfort (aside from what is there from the shots). Despite not feeling anything there are a good amount follicles growing in there. RE talked through it rather quickly at the ultrasound so going from memory there were 4 or 5 follicles on the right all right around 10 and then another 3 or 4 slightly smaller than that and on the left there were 4 follicles all round 8. RE said everything looks really good, he said that having so many all around the same size indicates to him that they are healthy. Which made feel very relieved. RE told me that mine was the best scan of the morning (and then not to brag about it, but I figure I can do it here...since no one is really around anyways). He followed that up with you don't know me that well yet, but I don't say those types of things haphazardly. So I'm going to take what he says and run with it.

E2 levels came back at 180 yesterday. I was carrying around my phone all afternoon waiting for the call and then of course the one time I stepped away from my desk without it they called. Even though I wouldn't have gotten any different information had I talked to the nurse, for some reason it just makes me feel better to actually talk to them rather than listening to a voice mail. Nurse said the E2 number was really good and to continue my protocol as is (5units of Lupron & 3 vials (225IU) of Bravelle). I go back on Saturday for another E2 test and ultrasound. Right now they are anticipating a Monday or Tuesday trigger with a Wednesday or Thursday retrieval.

Even though we are moving forward and I know when next week gets here I'll feel like it happened fast, right now it still feels like it's moving so slow. I wish I was going back on Friday instead of Saturday because Saturday feels so far away. I'm guessing after that I'll be back on Monday where they will make the call to trigger that day or the day after.

In other news the weather is supposed to be really nice this weekend, which is exciting because Q loves the pool and has been talking for at least 2 months about the big pool opening. So happy that the weather will cooperate for us to go this weekend and I will be there bathing suite and all even if I'm bloated and feeling gross because the joy Q will get it from it is bigger than anything I might be going through. Also, cannot wait for the 3-day weekend, it is so unbelievably needed.

I'm Insane

Literally this process is making me crazy. I know I said this before, but I never thought time could go so slow. I have my next appointment tomorrow morning to check E2 levels and do an ultrasound and this day has felt like an entire week it is moving so slow. Like seriously I still have at least a whole other week to go before the ER. I'm so nervous/anxious/crazy that my stomach is upset, I don't feel like eating and thoughts of concentrating are out the window. I can only focus on this one thing. I don't feel anything yet from the stims, so I have to google that, I start thinking about my AFC so I have to google that, I'm worried about the stim medication I'm taking (cause did I mention I don't feel anything) so I have to google that. I have decided Google and the Internet are evil, evil things and I wish they were never invented. I need a distraction, but unfortunately my job requires me to sit at a computer with the internet at my finger tips all day long. I mean who can resist that type of temptation. Not this girl, that's for sure.

My brain is on constant loop of:

What if I'm not responding?

What if my numbers are bad?

What if they want to cancel my cycle?

What if everything is good?

What if this doesn't work....what if this doesn't work.....what if this doesn't work

I've never felt so stuck in my life. I've never felt so crazy in my life. I've never been so invested in the outcome of anything in my life.

I want to think in terms of this summer when I'm pregnant. On vacation when I'm pregnant. Next fall at our friends wedding when I'm pregnant. Next summer when we have a new baby or babies. Every time I start down that path my brain shuts me down, my emotions shut me down, my heart shuts me down. It feels so risky to hope, to believe that this could actually work. It all feels like a farce. This can't be real life, can it?

I've never been good dealing with the unknown. I plan vacations at least 6 months in advance and I have no control over the schedule of my immediate future. It's making me insane...potentially the hormonal enhancing drugs I'm on have something to do with this crazy feeling, potentially. But turns out knowing that and actually knowing that are two very different things.

This is my journey and I have to accept that. So let me repeat....Peace. Patience. Acceptance. Surrender. Hope. Faith. Love. Intention.

Peace with the situation, it is what it is and being crazy won't change it

Patience with the process, everything has a timeline, which means all things have an ending

Acceptance that this is the journey that I need to take in order to call this child into my life

Surrender to the process, I've done what I can to help my body along, but at this point its out of my hands

Hope that this will have a positive outcome and if not that we still have options in front of us

Faith that this child will come into my life at the exact moment it is supposed to and that this is the exact journey I need to be on at this exact moment in my life

Love unconditional for the family I have and the family that I will have

Intention for the child that will be, we are following a path that very intentionally calls a child into this world, there is no question that this child is wanted and loved

Stims Day 3

Today is my third day of stims and so far....not as easy as I thought. I had my baseline last Thursday and my anterior follicle count was I think around 12 and my E2 level came back at 5. Nurse said they want the number below 80, but man that is really below 80 and of course Dr. Google can't give me any explanation or examples of this being good or bad. I did find that above 80 means that there would be some concern with diminished ovarian reserve, so does that mean my reserve is really good? Feels like it just means I have a longer way to go to get to an acceptable number with stims, but I have no control over this, my body either will or will not respond to the medicine and since this is our first time through it there is no way to tell until there is more blood work and ultrasounds. Patience.

At the baseline appointment Dr. Williams decided to up my dose to 3 vials (225 IU) daily of Bravelle starting Saturday instead of doing the first 3 days with only 2 vials (150 IU). So I've been doing 1 vial in the morning and 2 and in the evening. Stims are definitely a little harder than the Lupron. I starting doing the Lupron in my legs just to give my belly a bit of a break and so far that has been going pretty good, all though this morning I did get a bleeder, but the 5 units is super easy, it's such a small amount of medicine. It is much harder to do the Bravelle with an actual syringe instead of the insulin syringes. It's hard to manage the needle, switch hands and stuff and then it's harder to push it in because it's an actual syringe and there is a lot more medicine then with the Lupron. Plus, the medicine stings going in, so the needle won't hurt going in, but as soon as I start injecting the medicine it starts stinging so that's not a lot of fun. And the areas where it goes are a lot more sore, I'm guessing because the needle is in there for a longer period of time because it takes longer to get the medicine in. Overall, it's a little harder than I thought it would be. I tried to do the stims like the Lupron at first and that was a mistake, definitely can't do it one handed and I had to learn that lesson with a very sore spot on my belly. Which in turn limits my places even more.

Next appointment is Wednesday morning and I'm anxiously awaiting it, can't wait to see how I am responding to the medicine. I've already starting getting head aches and hot flashes, but haven't felt too bloated yet (my pants still fit comfortably, but my belly does look a little bigger). I don't feel anything happening in there so that makes me anxious about nothing happening.

If everything is moving along like it should then ER should be next week. Here's hoping that Wednesday gets here fast and that things are going in the right direction.

No but seriously...

The waiting is the worst part, the absolute worst part. I'm not sure how it is possible for time to slow down so much, like it feels like it's basically stopped. And I'm not talking about the 2WW folks, I'm still just waiting to start stims and then waiting for the ER. I have finished with the birth control and now I"m just doing Lupron every morning and I keep trying to tell myself one more week, then 10 more days (hoping I only stim for 10 days) because that sounds better than 17 or more days before ER. That feels like a lifetime. Almost an entire month left to go! So I think one more week, then 10 more days. Hoping that after this week ends those 10 days will fly by. I have a Dr's appointment this Thursday to check E2 levels and do an ultrasound and then start stims on Saturday. I.Just.Need.To.Make.It.To.Saturday....without going crazy.

It feels like the second week of the 2WW. I'm completely distracted at work, I can't concentrate, I look at the calendar and message boards multiple times a day, like that will make time go faster. And to top things off, this week is going to be less crazy then a typical week because Q is done with every activity except soccer at this point. So that means I only have to run around like a crazy person today and then I have nothing else to distract me for the rest of the week.

I don't think I would be remiss to say that the waiting is the worst part. It's worse then the shots, its worse then the idea of that 1&1/2 needle going into my ass, it's worse than worrying about the amount and quality of eggs or what the retrieval will be like. Because it's waiting and waiting for all of that to happen while feeling like I'm accomplishing nothing, without knowing if things are on track or what the schedule will be. And obsessing over the timeline every second of the day just makes the day go slower. But I don't know how to stop my mind, obviously. Just one more week and then 10 more days....I can do it.

Done....

With mandatory counselling session

With the injection class, I now know how to mix the Bravelle and what to expect with PIO

With birth control pills

7 more days until ultrasound and blood work

9 more days until stims

.......waiting, waiting, waiting.

Making Progress...

2 more days of birth control.

1 more day until our injection class.

10 more days until the first baseline ultrasound and blood work.

12 more days  until starting stims.

15 more days until increasing stims.

~23 more days before egg retrieval.

~28 more days before embryo transfer.

I have been on Lupron for 6 days now and so far, not too bad. The first day I was super nervous to give myself the shot. Shaking before and shaking after. But honestly the amount and length of pain is about the same as plucking an eyebrow, so I can handle this. And then on Saturday I was like this doesn't even hurt, I must becoming an expert...spoken too soon. This morning and Sunday both, shots were a little more painful and both of them bled (I wasn't bleeding before then). And today I notice a tiny bruise where I did my shot this morning. Not sure if I'm just repeating or potentially too close to already used locations or if I'm holding the needle different or what. It's so hard to tell (well not today's injection site) where the injection sites are because prior to this they've been super tiny red dots that I really have to search for. I guess over the course of the next few weeks I'll figure out which locations are better, for example the one farther down on my belly seemed to hurt worse then if I stayed closer to the more fatty tissue.  Or maybe I need to start marking the spots with a band aid, even if I'm not bleeding, just so I can know which areas to avoid.

Side effects haven't been too bad, had a headache yesterday but that could've been related to the busy weekend. No hot flashes yet, but I would assume they are coming as this was my most intense side effect with clomid and no increased urination or anything like that. I am starting to experience some constipation......TMI WARNING...skip down if you don't want to read about poop........I'm fairly regular, unless there is some big change in my schedule, for some reason that seems to impact me. But the past few days I've been pretty backed up. Took three days of lots of effort to finally poop on Saturday and I didn't fully realize how heavy my belly felt until I was able to get it out. Haven't had another BM since then, so asked IG to get me some colace today....looks like I'm going to need it. I've been trying to increase fiber naturally in my diet as well, like eating more bran and making sure to increase the amount of green vegetables and my daily intake of water. But if every three days I have to go through what I went through on Saturday this is going to be an exhausting next few weeks. Not to say it's not worth it, but man I didn't think it would kick in so soon.

I know that things will start to move along, but still feel like we are just chugging along. I scheduled it out so that we have/have had an appointment, for various things, at least once a week. Makes me feel like things are moving along. Funny how before all this I would've been annoyed to have to go to the Dr once a week. Annoyed to what it would do to my schedule. Now I'm anxious for the interruption in schedule. Last week we had our mandatory counseling session.  Felt pretty standard and cookie cutter (this is required by my clinic for anyone undergoing IVF...not sure if it's the same everywhere). The counselor basically asked for our "story", then sympathized with us, asked us who we had to lean for support, asked us how we felt about twins, talked about the injections and the retrieval and the transfer, talked about the 2WW and how long it seems and asked us if we've thought about what to do with our embryos if we have enough to freeze some. She also answered the phone twice, once her cell phone which she excused herself to the hallway and once her office phone. Felt like she was distracted and really only going through the motions. We didn't even use up the full hour. So not really sure I would reach back out to her again if I felt like I needed to talk to someone, but I don't really feel like I do so who knows.

Tomorrow night we have our injection class. It lasts for two hours in the evening so my Mom is coming down to stay to Q, make him dinner, etc. And then next week we have the first of however many ultrasound and blood work appointments. I think at that point things will really start to pick up. Two days after that  appointment we start stims. Which is also the same day as Race for the Cure, which is something we do every year. I have family coming to stay with us, so hopefully going from 1 injection a day to 3 will be a smooth transition because we have a lot going on that weekend. And then really from that point it's just another 10 or so days until the retrieval.

IG and I have decided that if we have the choice we will put back 2 embryos. Even though I'm sure the RE will recommend to only go for one. But we've discussed it and we are comfortable with the possibility of twins and if we put back 1 and it doesn't take, I'll feel like I didn't do everything I could have. And really I'd rather go this once and end up with 2, then go through this twice to end up with 1. I'm trying not to think much about how many eggs are retrieved or fertilized, because at this point there isn't anything additional I can do about it. In addition to PNV, I've been taking Vitamin D, CoQ10, Folic Acid and Melatonin. I've been working on changing my diet and removing all plastic from my kitchen as well as trying to limit my exposure to Phthalates. So really I'm just trying to relax and ride the ride without stressing too much, because I'm doing what I can and the rest is out of my hands.

We've been making progress with our IVF cycle, but I also think I've been making a lot of emotional progress. This past weekend was a big one for me. My best friend from childhood had her baby shower this weekend and another of our childhood friends had a baby this weekend. I was able to attend the shower, where there was an adorable 3 month old baby, and not feel bad about it. I was able to be excited for my friend and excited to hold and play with the baby. I didn't feel guarded or sad or upset by any of it. I was also able to visit my other friend in the hospital and meet her brand new baby girl. It felt precious to be there and hold that tiny baby and I felt happy to see her and her husband revel in the joy of their new baby. My friend and I visited her together and as we were leaving the hospital, I told my her that seeing and holding that baby made my uterus ache, but not in the I'm gonna go home and hide under the sheets and cry way, but in a I can't wait to do this again way. And that's progress and I think it's important to recognize that. Later that night I went to yoga and felt more open to the practice then almost any other time before. I felt happy and content and satisfied, even though I had just spend the weekend surrounded by things that I don't have and desperately want. For the first time since starting this journey I was truly able to participate in others joys without feeling overwhelmed by my own sorrow. They say in spirituality that you are truly done with something when it no longer effects you. I'm not sure I'm 100% there yet, but I feel like I just got a whole lot closer.