Making Progress...

2 more days of birth control.

1 more day until our injection class.

10 more days until the first baseline ultrasound and blood work.

12 more days  until starting stims.

15 more days until increasing stims.

~23 more days before egg retrieval.

~28 more days before embryo transfer.

I have been on Lupron for 6 days now and so far, not too bad. The first day I was super nervous to give myself the shot. Shaking before and shaking after. But honestly the amount and length of pain is about the same as plucking an eyebrow, so I can handle this. And then on Saturday I was like this doesn't even hurt, I must becoming an expert...spoken too soon. This morning and Sunday both, shots were a little more painful and both of them bled (I wasn't bleeding before then). And today I notice a tiny bruise where I did my shot this morning. Not sure if I'm just repeating or potentially too close to already used locations or if I'm holding the needle different or what. It's so hard to tell (well not today's injection site) where the injection sites are because prior to this they've been super tiny red dots that I really have to search for. I guess over the course of the next few weeks I'll figure out which locations are better, for example the one farther down on my belly seemed to hurt worse then if I stayed closer to the more fatty tissue.  Or maybe I need to start marking the spots with a band aid, even if I'm not bleeding, just so I can know which areas to avoid.

Side effects haven't been too bad, had a headache yesterday but that could've been related to the busy weekend. No hot flashes yet, but I would assume they are coming as this was my most intense side effect with clomid and no increased urination or anything like that. I am starting to experience some constipation......TMI WARNING...skip down if you don't want to read about poop........I'm fairly regular, unless there is some big change in my schedule, for some reason that seems to impact me. But the past few days I've been pretty backed up. Took three days of lots of effort to finally poop on Saturday and I didn't fully realize how heavy my belly felt until I was able to get it out. Haven't had another BM since then, so asked IG to get me some colace today....looks like I'm going to need it. I've been trying to increase fiber naturally in my diet as well, like eating more bran and making sure to increase the amount of green vegetables and my daily intake of water. But if every three days I have to go through what I went through on Saturday this is going to be an exhausting next few weeks. Not to say it's not worth it, but man I didn't think it would kick in so soon.

I know that things will start to move along, but still feel like we are just chugging along. I scheduled it out so that we have/have had an appointment, for various things, at least once a week. Makes me feel like things are moving along. Funny how before all this I would've been annoyed to have to go to the Dr once a week. Annoyed to what it would do to my schedule. Now I'm anxious for the interruption in schedule. Last week we had our mandatory counseling session.  Felt pretty standard and cookie cutter (this is required by my clinic for anyone undergoing IVF...not sure if it's the same everywhere). The counselor basically asked for our "story", then sympathized with us, asked us who we had to lean for support, asked us how we felt about twins, talked about the injections and the retrieval and the transfer, talked about the 2WW and how long it seems and asked us if we've thought about what to do with our embryos if we have enough to freeze some. She also answered the phone twice, once her cell phone which she excused herself to the hallway and once her office phone. Felt like she was distracted and really only going through the motions. We didn't even use up the full hour. So not really sure I would reach back out to her again if I felt like I needed to talk to someone, but I don't really feel like I do so who knows.

Tomorrow night we have our injection class. It lasts for two hours in the evening so my Mom is coming down to stay to Q, make him dinner, etc. And then next week we have the first of however many ultrasound and blood work appointments. I think at that point things will really start to pick up. Two days after that  appointment we start stims. Which is also the same day as Race for the Cure, which is something we do every year. I have family coming to stay with us, so hopefully going from 1 injection a day to 3 will be a smooth transition because we have a lot going on that weekend. And then really from that point it's just another 10 or so days until the retrieval.

IG and I have decided that if we have the choice we will put back 2 embryos. Even though I'm sure the RE will recommend to only go for one. But we've discussed it and we are comfortable with the possibility of twins and if we put back 1 and it doesn't take, I'll feel like I didn't do everything I could have. And really I'd rather go this once and end up with 2, then go through this twice to end up with 1. I'm trying not to think much about how many eggs are retrieved or fertilized, because at this point there isn't anything additional I can do about it. In addition to PNV, I've been taking Vitamin D, CoQ10, Folic Acid and Melatonin. I've been working on changing my diet and removing all plastic from my kitchen as well as trying to limit my exposure to Phthalates. So really I'm just trying to relax and ride the ride without stressing too much, because I'm doing what I can and the rest is out of my hands.

We've been making progress with our IVF cycle, but I also think I've been making a lot of emotional progress. This past weekend was a big one for me. My best friend from childhood had her baby shower this weekend and another of our childhood friends had a baby this weekend. I was able to attend the shower, where there was an adorable 3 month old baby, and not feel bad about it. I was able to be excited for my friend and excited to hold and play with the baby. I didn't feel guarded or sad or upset by any of it. I was also able to visit my other friend in the hospital and meet her brand new baby girl. It felt precious to be there and hold that tiny baby and I felt happy to see her and her husband revel in the joy of their new baby. My friend and I visited her together and as we were leaving the hospital, I told my her that seeing and holding that baby made my uterus ache, but not in the I'm gonna go home and hide under the sheets and cry way, but in a I can't wait to do this again way. And that's progress and I think it's important to recognize that. Later that night I went to yoga and felt more open to the practice then almost any other time before. I felt happy and content and satisfied, even though I had just spend the weekend surrounded by things that I don't have and desperately want. For the first time since starting this journey I was truly able to participate in others joys without feeling overwhelmed by my own sorrow. They say in spirituality that you are truly done with something when it no longer effects you. I'm not sure I'm 100% there yet, but I feel like I just got a whole lot closer.