Yesterday was what I'm guessing to be 14dpo and I say guessing because my temps have been crazy this cycle and FF can't detect my ovulation date based on my temps. So I'm going off of my +OPK dates and history, being that generally my history shows my O date to be the second +OPK date. However, I did have what looks to be a big dip in temperatures about 4 days after that, but - OPK results. So basically this being my first medicated cycle I'm very confused. I had my P4 tested on what I guessed to be 8dpo and the results came back at 55.5 so I felt pretty confident in guessing correctly the O date. However, yesterday I took a HTP and it was a BFN, I would expect my period sometime today or tomorrow given that its CD 27 and I've never (in the history of charting the last 14 of my 17 cycles) had an LP longer than 15 days, so my period should start tomorrow. BUT absolutely no signs that my period is coming, other than the BFN yesterday, but then again I have no signs that I'm pregnant either.
Needless to say I'm so very confused. Of course Dr. Google has some things to say about high P4 numbers sometimes indicating a pregnancy and at the very least indicating that I released more than one egg. I tried my hardest not to let that get my hopes up, but most P4 numbers I read about where way lower than mine and the ones that were the same or higher were all from those taking progesterone. At this point, I'm thinking I was wrong about my O date, which would make me think maybe we are still in the game, but we didn't BD that much this month because IG got a nasty stomach bug from Q that lasted for a few days and so I think we missed our window. Can you tell I'm driving myself crazy????
There was no question about the BFN it was stark white. And I'm disappointed in myself for breaking down and buying a test, but I had no signs that AF was coming and my temps were staying pretty high (except today they dropped a bit) so I let myself hope. And I'm mad at myself for hoping. I feel stupid for thinking that I could possibly be pregnant. That high P4 numbers was an indicator of anything other than the fact that I'm ovulating which has never been the problem. I'm ovulating, my egg quality is good, IG has lots of sperm and they move just fine, but this goal feels impossible. Right now on this day it feels like I will never be pregnant again and I'm so pissed and sad and frustrated. The longer it takes the more I think about how I didn't want so many years between Q and a sibling and it's so frustrating that it's out of my control. And to top it off I found out last week that another friend of mine is pregnant, became that way without trying very hard and it's so unfair. And I hate that I can't even congratulate her. I can't muster it or face it or feel it. So I avoid it and deny it and bury it and hate it.
I read a lot of things that talk about how unfair infertility is, but nothing can do this feeling justice. It doesn't make any sense. There are no obvious physical reasons why we can't get pregnant and I hate that my life is just stuck in this pattern of going in circles. I hate that I focus so much time and energy on this when there is Q. I hate that every month I have to ride this roller coaster of emotions that never goes anywhere. I hate that I feel like a failure and that I don't trust my body anymore. I hate that I hate thinking about the future and being scared to make plans because I don't know what point in a cycle we will be in. I hate thinking that I will never know what it's like to be pregnant again or to hold my baby in my arms. I hate that we have a house full of empty rooms and a car that's way to big for a family of three. I hate that we bought them because we fully expected to fill them and I hate that we can't make that happen. I hate that there is no timeline or end in sight. I hate that I feel hopeless. And I hate that I don't know how to control it anymore. I don't understand the journey, I don't understand the lesson, I don't understand.
