Friday, November 22, 2013
Today's Ultrasound
Had my RE appointment this afternoon to determine timing of this months IUI. All went good and I'm glad I pushed them to do it today, instead of Monday (they don't do routine ultrasounds on weekends). The office still seems surprised when I tell them that I ovulate early even while taking the clomid. Today is CD 9 or 10 depending on how you count the start of my period, I say it's day 10 RE's office saying it's day 9, but either way we are ready to go trigger for tonight and IUI Sunday morning. I had one follicle on my left that measured at about 12 and then two are my right one measured at 26 and the other at 29. So our protocol is trigger tonight, have sex, IUI Sunday morning. It'll be interesting to see how this goes.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Facebook Frustration
Tomorrow I have my ultrasound for my first IUI cycle. Even though we've done clomid the past two cycles I feel like this is the first real intervention type cycle, if that makes sense? My clomid cycles where not monitored, so this time around we will have a lot more Dr's appointments and b/w and general stress on how to fit it all into our schedules and Thanksgiving next week. So in light of all that I posted the following status on Facebook yesterday: Entering a chapter in my life I never imagined. The beginning is scary, I'm sure the middle will be difficult, but hopefully the ending will be beautiful. Now I'm not generally a big Facebook poster, but I've been consumed by thoughts of what's ahead of us as we take this bigger leap into fertility treatments. Our families know what we are going through and a few of my close friends know as well, so I figured they would be able to deduce what that status was about - I was not prepared for people thinking that status was about being pregnant. Immediate reaction from folks was to post a comment to see if that was an announcement for baby number 2 - whoa had no idea my Facebook status was baby watch 2013. Was totally unprepared for that and even more so in the fact that my SIL and MIL posted on there about baby #2. First of all REALLY!!!!!!!! Second of all you know what we are going through so what are thinking posting that on my Facebook and Third do you really think when we get pregnant we wouldn't tell you and let you find out from a Facebook post.....again REALLY!!!! So I immediately deleted the entire thing, because the last thing I need is my entire Facebook world to think that I'm pregnant and it's like a cruel slap in the face. Maybe I'm naive and stupid - I honestly didn't expect to be bombarded with questions on that status being a baby announcement, especially by IG's family. And then I'm frustrated because I already feel restrain in expressing myself and I'm going through something and wanted some way to express it without coming out and saying it, but again I must just be naive and stupid. Honestly makes me want to delete my entire Facebook, because the last thing I need is scrutiny over everything I post to determine if it's related to a baby or not. And now I'm not even sure I can trust IG's family to not post something about what we are going through. We aren't public about it and I have co-workers on Facebook that have no idea what we are going through, so it would be really hard for me if that happened.
In other news, I'm trying patiently to wait for my ultrasound tomorrow and to see how everything looks. I'm anxious to get this show on the road, I feel like we've been stagnant for so long. At the same time I have no expectation that any of this will work. Infertility has trained me to expect a negative outcome so I can't even wrap my head around a positive one. I just keep thinking that since they don't know what's wrong there's no real chance that any of this will work. Also, I'm anxious/nervous because my RE is male and he's really good and I know it's not a big deal, but for me it just feels really uncomfortable to have anyone down there, but especially any guy who isn't my husband. I've always had female OB/GYN's for various reasons. I think I was slightly traumatized as a teenager by my first pap smear - not because anything bad happened, but just the overall experience. I've always been a bit of shy person when it comes to my body, except with the person I'm in a trusting relationship with, but I'm not a person who in general likes being naked in front of other people. I didn't breastfeed Q in front of my family, I always excused myself, it's just not something I'm comfortable with. My first pap smear was at the age of 17 as I was trying to obtain birth control - which I requested through my mother, but not with honesty that I was at the time having sex with my boyfriend. Growing up we went to a family physician so the same Dr saw my entire family. So the prescription would have to come from him and in order to get it I needed a pap smear. It was initially made uncomfortable by the fact that he asked me while my mother was in the room if I was having sexually active and after I answered no said it's ok, I'll ask you again when your mother leaves - implying that I was lying (which of course I was, but really?). Thankfully, he did have my mother leave the room do the pap smear, but it just wasn't pleasant to have our family physician, the guy who'd seen me since I was an infant, perform the pap smear and breast exam - compound that with the fact that I grew up in a very small town so it felt very odd to run into him the very next night at the high school basketball game. It was just not my ideal situation - I would, even to this day, prefer someone that I would never have to see outside in my real life. It just feels too weird to me. And given that fact that I've given birth were all modesty is out the window, you would think I would be over this, but I'm not. Not that I would switch RE's for that simple fact - I want the one that comes most highly recommended and that's the one I have - I'm just not overly enthused that on top of everything else I have to have a strange dude spending a lot of time looking at and putting things into my, you know what, fairly frequently for the next foreseeable future.
In other news, I'm trying patiently to wait for my ultrasound tomorrow and to see how everything looks. I'm anxious to get this show on the road, I feel like we've been stagnant for so long. At the same time I have no expectation that any of this will work. Infertility has trained me to expect a negative outcome so I can't even wrap my head around a positive one. I just keep thinking that since they don't know what's wrong there's no real chance that any of this will work. Also, I'm anxious/nervous because my RE is male and he's really good and I know it's not a big deal, but for me it just feels really uncomfortable to have anyone down there, but especially any guy who isn't my husband. I've always had female OB/GYN's for various reasons. I think I was slightly traumatized as a teenager by my first pap smear - not because anything bad happened, but just the overall experience. I've always been a bit of shy person when it comes to my body, except with the person I'm in a trusting relationship with, but I'm not a person who in general likes being naked in front of other people. I didn't breastfeed Q in front of my family, I always excused myself, it's just not something I'm comfortable with. My first pap smear was at the age of 17 as I was trying to obtain birth control - which I requested through my mother, but not with honesty that I was at the time having sex with my boyfriend. Growing up we went to a family physician so the same Dr saw my entire family. So the prescription would have to come from him and in order to get it I needed a pap smear. It was initially made uncomfortable by the fact that he asked me while my mother was in the room if I was having sexually active and after I answered no said it's ok, I'll ask you again when your mother leaves - implying that I was lying (which of course I was, but really?). Thankfully, he did have my mother leave the room do the pap smear, but it just wasn't pleasant to have our family physician, the guy who'd seen me since I was an infant, perform the pap smear and breast exam - compound that with the fact that I grew up in a very small town so it felt very odd to run into him the very next night at the high school basketball game. It was just not my ideal situation - I would, even to this day, prefer someone that I would never have to see outside in my real life. It just feels too weird to me. And given that fact that I've given birth were all modesty is out the window, you would think I would be over this, but I'm not. Not that I would switch RE's for that simple fact - I want the one that comes most highly recommended and that's the one I have - I'm just not overly enthused that on top of everything else I have to have a strange dude spending a lot of time looking at and putting things into my, you know what, fairly frequently for the next foreseeable future.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
The Journey
I know that eventually my journey will end. I hope and pray that the end is near and that it's the end that I desire, but I know that either way at some point my journey will come to an end. Because they always do and then a new journey will start. Be that adoption or accepting life as a family of three. Right now is the hard part because I'm in the middle and the middle feels like moving forward without actually getting anywhere. It feels like walking on quick sand and sinking or being locked in a room alone with no way out. This is the hardest journey I've ever been on in my life to date and it's made especially hard by the feeling of failing constantly, of trying and getting nowhere, of hoping and always being let down, of being alone and lost and scared and sad, sometimes so very, very sad.
As I've mentioned before we are unexplained, there is no obvious reason why we can't conceive, highlighted by the fact that we were able to easily conceive Q. For me I think the journey would be easier, even if it was exactly the same, if I had some reason why we were going through it. Something concrete that I could point my finger at and direct my anger towards and blame for all the frustration and heartache and let down. But I don't. I have no explanation and so I take all those feelings and internalize them, knowing full well how dangerous that is. But I don't know what else to do.
We've changed the treatment plan for this cycle. I've decided I want to be more aggressive for a few a reasons: 1. It's been 5 months since I first met with the RE and I'm no farther along then I was 5 months ago, no closer to answers or pregnancy 2. I'm unexplained so basically we are on the generic one size fits all treatment plan 3. I have some insurance coverage and cost is not really a factor for us so I don't want nor need a slower paced plan due to lower cost options. So after 2 failed cycles of clomid plus timed intercourse we are going to give IUI a try this month. I start clomid again on Saturday and then have my ultrasound scheduled for next Friday - I usually ovulate around day 11 or 12 so hopefully we will be looking at doing insemination before Thanksgiving. The scheduling is a little difficult around the holidays, but I need to try something new. And I'm nervous because every time I've had some type of Dr's appointment or change my cycle has been a bit off and I feel like we are racing the clock being that I will ovulate at some point during Thanksgiving week and if it's on Thanksgiving then I'm likely out for this cycle.
I've also personally decided that I will try at most 3 IUI's and at most 3 fresh IVF cycles - if at that point we still aren't pregnant then it's time to end this journey with fertility treatments and decide where to go from there. I know that is still a lot of treatment and time in front of us, but I needed an end I could wrap my head around. The ability to know that we won't be in this forever, that this journey does have an end one way or another. Until then I continue to hope and pray for the end that includes a baby.
As I've mentioned before we are unexplained, there is no obvious reason why we can't conceive, highlighted by the fact that we were able to easily conceive Q. For me I think the journey would be easier, even if it was exactly the same, if I had some reason why we were going through it. Something concrete that I could point my finger at and direct my anger towards and blame for all the frustration and heartache and let down. But I don't. I have no explanation and so I take all those feelings and internalize them, knowing full well how dangerous that is. But I don't know what else to do.
We've changed the treatment plan for this cycle. I've decided I want to be more aggressive for a few a reasons: 1. It's been 5 months since I first met with the RE and I'm no farther along then I was 5 months ago, no closer to answers or pregnancy 2. I'm unexplained so basically we are on the generic one size fits all treatment plan 3. I have some insurance coverage and cost is not really a factor for us so I don't want nor need a slower paced plan due to lower cost options. So after 2 failed cycles of clomid plus timed intercourse we are going to give IUI a try this month. I start clomid again on Saturday and then have my ultrasound scheduled for next Friday - I usually ovulate around day 11 or 12 so hopefully we will be looking at doing insemination before Thanksgiving. The scheduling is a little difficult around the holidays, but I need to try something new. And I'm nervous because every time I've had some type of Dr's appointment or change my cycle has been a bit off and I feel like we are racing the clock being that I will ovulate at some point during Thanksgiving week and if it's on Thanksgiving then I'm likely out for this cycle.
I've also personally decided that I will try at most 3 IUI's and at most 3 fresh IVF cycles - if at that point we still aren't pregnant then it's time to end this journey with fertility treatments and decide where to go from there. I know that is still a lot of treatment and time in front of us, but I needed an end I could wrap my head around. The ability to know that we won't be in this forever, that this journey does have an end one way or another. Until then I continue to hope and pray for the end that includes a baby.
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