Facebook Frustration

Tomorrow I have my ultrasound for my first IUI cycle. Even though we've done clomid the past two cycles I feel like this is the first real intervention type cycle, if that makes sense? My clomid cycles where not monitored, so this time around we will have a lot more Dr's appointments and b/w and general stress on how to fit it all into our schedules and Thanksgiving next week. So in light of all that I posted the following status on Facebook yesterday: Entering a chapter in my life I never imagined. The beginning is scary, I'm sure the middle will be difficult, but hopefully the ending will be beautiful.  Now I'm not generally a big Facebook poster, but I've been consumed by thoughts of what's ahead of us as we take this bigger leap into fertility treatments. Our families know what we are going through and a few of my close friends know as well, so I figured they would be able to deduce what that status was about - I was not prepared for people thinking that status was about being pregnant. Immediate reaction from folks was to post a comment to see if that was an announcement for baby number 2 - whoa had no idea my Facebook status was baby watch 2013. Was totally unprepared for that and even more so in the fact that my SIL and MIL posted on there about baby #2. First of all REALLY!!!!!!!! Second of all you know what we are going through so what are thinking posting that on my Facebook and Third do you really think when we get pregnant we wouldn't tell you and let you find out from a Facebook post.....again REALLY!!!! So I immediately deleted the entire thing, because the last thing I need is my entire Facebook world to think that I'm pregnant and it's like a cruel slap in the face. Maybe I'm naive and stupid - I honestly didn't expect to be bombarded with questions on that status being a baby announcement, especially by IG's family. And then I'm frustrated because I already feel restrain in expressing myself and I'm going through something and wanted some way to express it without coming out and saying it, but again I must just be naive and stupid. Honestly makes me want to delete my entire Facebook, because the last thing I need is scrutiny over everything I post to determine if it's related to a baby or not. And now I'm not even sure I can trust IG's family to not post something about what we are going through. We aren't public about it and I have co-workers on Facebook that have no idea what we are going through, so it would be really hard for me if that happened.

In other news, I'm trying patiently to wait for my ultrasound tomorrow and to see how everything looks. I'm anxious to get this show on the road, I feel like we've been stagnant for so long. At the same time I have no expectation that any of this will work. Infertility has trained me to expect a negative outcome so I can't even wrap my head around a positive one. I just keep thinking that since they don't know what's wrong there's no real chance that any of this will work. Also, I'm anxious/nervous because my RE is male and he's really good and I know it's not a big deal, but for me it just feels really uncomfortable to have anyone down there, but especially any guy who isn't my husband. I've always had female OB/GYN's for various reasons. I think I was slightly traumatized as a teenager by my first pap smear - not because anything bad happened, but just the overall experience. I've always been a bit of shy person when it comes to my body, except with the person I'm in a trusting relationship with, but I'm not a person who in general likes being naked in front of other people. I didn't breastfeed Q in front of my family, I always excused myself, it's just not something I'm comfortable with. My first pap smear was at the age of 17 as I was trying to obtain birth control - which I requested through my mother, but not with honesty that I was at the time having sex with my boyfriend.  Growing up we went to a family physician so the same Dr saw my entire family. So the prescription would have to come from him and in order to get it I needed a pap smear. It was initially made uncomfortable by the fact that he asked me while my mother was in the room if I was having sexually active and after I answered no said it's ok, I'll ask you again when your mother leaves - implying that I was lying (which of course I was, but really?). Thankfully, he did have my mother leave the room do the pap smear, but it just wasn't pleasant to have our family physician, the guy who'd seen me since I was an infant,  perform the pap smear and breast exam - compound that with the fact that I grew up in a very small town so it felt very odd to run into him the very next night at the high school basketball game. It was just not my ideal situation - I would, even to this day, prefer someone that I would never have to see outside in my real life. It just feels too weird to me. And given that fact that I've given birth were all modesty is out the window, you would think I would be over this, but I'm not. Not that I would switch RE's for that simple fact - I want the one that comes most highly recommended and that's the one I have - I'm just not overly enthused that on top of everything else I have to have a strange dude spending a lot of time looking at and putting things into my, you know what, fairly frequently for the next foreseeable future.