Trying To Make Sense

I have spent a lot of time on my infertility journey trying to make sense of it all. Trying to determine where the curve was that moved us from easily able to conceive to a complete inability to do so. Trying to decipher my temperatures and analyze every little aspect of my cycle. Trying to navigate the lingo and world of infertility and specialists and protocols. And I still don't have a grasp on it. I've spent countless hours researching, lurking message boards, stalking blogs and trying to learn from others journeys, but I still feel lost and confused. There are so many aspects of infertility that are uncertain. I am uncertain if the medications or IUI or IVF or anything will help us achieve this goal. Being diagnosed unexplained there isn't even any certainty in what is causing us to struggle this time around.  And it all feels like a shot in the dark. Who knows what protocol will work, because who knows what's really wrong. And in all of it I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. That if I was just able to do it all right then we would be able to get pregnant. For the majority of this journey I have tracked my cycle with temperatures and OPKs and cervical fluid and all other things and even though on paper it looks like we've timed things right, I'm never confident we have. I'm uncertain that we did everything we could in each cycle to make us successful. I question my body, I question my thoughts, I question my plans and my Dr's and my husband. I question when to have sex and if it should be every day or every other day or abstain before IUI or not. I question if I even know when my period actually starts.

Prior to this journey I never questioned my body. It's always been good to me and I've always tried to be good to it. I feed it healthy foods, I rest it, I keep it limber and fit, I give it vitamins and nurture it when it feels run down. But now I feel like its my enemy. That it's blocking me from achieving my greatest desire. That it's mocking me and turning on me. When I was pregnant the first time, my body was amazing. Conception was easy, pregnancy was easy, labor and delivery were easy, recover was easy, breastfeeding was easy. But this time around my body is failing me and I don't know why and I don't know how to change it.

This cycle has been the most confusing to date and adding more things into the mix just muddies the water. Each cycle on clomid my period has gotten lighter and shorter. This time around I started what I thought was my period on Monday 12/9. Let me also say, I've never spotted before a period. Ever. I know my period is going to start by the fact that a day or two before hand I will see some brownish color CM, I do not consider this spotting as it is only visible when wiping and looking really closely. And I didn't even know this happened until I really started monitoring every aspect of every cycle when I started this journey. So it wasn't even anything I was aware happened before trying to conceive this time. So when I started to bleed enough to need a liner or a tampon (even though it wouldn't soak the tampon) I thought it was my period. Therefore, I assumed 12/9 to be CD 1, called the RE, got a clomid refill and started taking the clomid on day 3. I did however take a test on Wednesday before taking the clomid just to make sure because my "period" was so light, I wanted to make sure. It was of course a BFN, so I took the clomid and assumed that as previous cycles the medicine was just making the period lighter and shorter. Then Friday rolls around and definite heavy bleeding starts. I was completely unprepared, I was in Chicago for work and only had a single tampon that was in my purse, I hadn't brought anything with me because I thought at that point my period was over.

To confuse matters even more my trigger was 11/22 and my IUI 11/24, which I had two very large (26, 29) follicles on my right side. So if the trigger worked as it should and forced ovulation 24-36 after injection then I would have had to ovulate on the latest 11/24, but my period didn't start until 18 days later - is that even possible? In the 20 cycles that I've been tracking I've never had an LP longer than 15 days. So does that mean I never ovulated or did I mess it up by taking the clomid too early? When bleeding did start 3 days after starting the clomid, I just stayed the course and continued to take the clomid, taking the last one on Sunday 12/15. And I can't seem to get any answers.

Now let's get even more confusing. I had an ultrasound appointment yesterday (2 days after my period stopped and 3 days after my last clomid). Last cycle my ultrasound was on day 10 and my follicles where already huge (which I found out this time around they like to catch them before they are that large - great thanks for not telling me that last cycle). So yesterday would've been day 10 had my period started on 12/9 or day 6 if my period started on 12/13.  And what does the ultrasound show - looks like I've already ovulated - um WTF? There is a large cyst on my left side like 26 mm and a very small follicle on my right side at 12 mm. There is fluid in the cavity and what the RE called a whitening of the uterine lining, which was only at 7.7 and which is consistent with ovulation. Confusion. Utter confusion - when did my period really start how is it possible to ovulate 3 days after stopping clomid and 2 days after stopping bleeding. When asked the RE replied "yeah that would be really early" - um thanks for the information. So I was instructed to take my temperature this morning (which I haven't been tracking this cycle because I've been doing a lot of traveling, home 2 days in the last 2 weeks and thought I could give myself a break since I was being monitored with ultrasounds and would be able to get a good estimate of ovulation). He told me that if it was 97.2 or somewhere in there then I likely didn't ovulate and was just really early in my cycle, but if it was over 98 then that would indicate that progesterone was in my system. My temp this morning was 98.08, seriously? I went back and tracked all previous cycles, never have I ever, even with off times or sleep deprivation or alcohol had a temp outside of the 97s before ovulation. Confusion. Complete and utter confusion.

Needless to say IUI #2 is cancelled at this point. They said they don't really think it would do any good to bring me back tomorrow for another ultrasound and asked if I'd been having sex....well no because 1. I was out of town 2. IG has been really sick and 3. I've never ever, to my knowledge ovulated this early. But as I'm realizing in this journey, my knowledge isn't always so good. Who knows maybe I've been ovulating early all long and just never knew it. When asked if the follicles could still grow the nurse said they usually grow 2 mm a day so it's possible that by Friday the one on the right could be at 18 mm and they try to catch them between 22 mm and 24 mm. To which I asked, was I too late last time because my follicles were 26 mm and 29 mm?? And she said yes that is later than they like and that usually follicles of that size that haven't ovulated naturally aren't going to - what?!?! So if my follicles have been large in the past (which I wouldn't know because this is the first time I've had ultrasounds) then there's a possibility that I have had all the symptoms of ovulation but that it hasn't been happening. Thanks for sharing all this with me RE and staff. I'm new to all this so great to find this stuff out nonchalantly.

On top of all this, I don't feel like I've ovulated. I always have pains and back aches and this magnified since taking the clomid, so maybe there is still a chance that we haven't missed the window this month. IG and I will continue to have sex over the next week and I will track with OPKs and my temp, starting today forward ( I took an OPK yesterday and this morning, both negative). Maybe we'll be lucky, maybe we will get a Christmas miracle. We conceived last time in December so maybe this is our magical month.

RE is now going to bring me in early next cycle for a baseline ultrasound before starting the clomid again to make sure that the large cyst on the left side did dissolve and to see how things look before enhancing them with medication. It wasn't deemed necessary for me to have all this monitoring before, because I have no obvious signs of issues. I know many of you would advise me to run as fast and as far as I can from this RE's office and believe me I hear you, but the other RE's in my area are not considered centers of excellence as deemed by my reproductive resources insurance coverage. So if I don't want to pay OOP, then I'm stuck here. But I feel like every time I go, instead of feeling more enlightened or more confident I just feel more confused and disappointed.  

One thing I do know for certain, is that there is nothing certain about infertility.

BFN

Well IUI #1 was a bust. I started what I guess is my period on Monday. I say I guess my period because it is the lightest period I have ever had in all my years of having a period. There is definitely blood and a small amount is bright red, but it's not enough to soak a tampon, I probably could even get away with a liner. I usually have at least 1 day of very heavy flow with lots of clots (TMI, I'm sorry!). This period is so light that I was even questioning if it was my period and had IG go out and buy me a test this morning before starting the clomid just in case (I'm a non-tester, a wait for AF kinda gal). But the test was stark white as per usual so this must be it. I have read that taking clomid can shorten and change your period, but this was a bit unexpected. It's hard to even track days because now I'm like was Monday really day 1, is this just spotting and day 1 is yet to come?? I hate that through all this I can't trust my body anymore and I second guess everything. Infertility really and truly makes one crazy in so many ways.

Regardless there is some blood so I decided to go ahead and take the clomid and just count myself as lucky to have a light, non-painful period. And hope that it doesn't mean that something else is going on in there. My ultrasound for IUI #2 is schedule for next Wednesday afternoon. My RE is out next week, but luckily they will let me see another Dr in the practice so I don't have to wait a whole month. I also had to remind the nurse that I need to come in on day 10 for the ultrasound because I ovulate on day 11 or 12, I mean I get they see a lot of people, but shouldn't you pull up and review my information before calling me back? This clinic has the highest success rates in my area, but I really don't feel like they pay good attention - so it's a good thing I do.

If my body stays on schedule IUI will probably be next Friday and then the 2ww will fall right at Christmas time which will be torture. Especially because I have one friend coming home who just had a baby and one that is just recently pregnant with her third - that she didn't even want or has room for in her house. But I'm not bitter or anything.

Hopefully this one will take, but this is a hard one for me because if it does take then the due date would be very close to Q's birthday. And I didn't really want that, in fact this time last year we avoided this month for that exact reason. Funny how different my thinking was last year compared to this year. Last year we were only 6 months into this journey now we are 18 months and 20 cycles in and at this point I don't really care when I get pregnant I just want to get pregnant again. So I hope this one will take and if not we will give IUI one more shot before moving onto something more aggressive. I know patience is the name of the game, but mine is really starting to wear thin.

In other news, we just got back yesterday from my brother-in-laws college graduation and I leave tomorrow early morning for Chicago. IG is coming to meet me on Friday to spend the weekend because we need to get away for a bit, but I hate hate hate leaving Q. I'm not even gone yet and I already miss him. I know we need to get away for our sanity, but it makes me sad. I never want to leave him. We get back on Sunday and then on Tuesday I have to fly down to Atlanta for the day. It's only a day trip, but it's first flight out last flight back so it makes for a long day. I am certainly thankful that my cycle worked in a way that all this travel didn't interfere, but it will be a miracle if I make it to Christmas without collapsing from exhaustion. Luckily I have the week of Christmas off - which will be the first week of the 2ww wait so I just need to make it to next Friday. I can do it, I can do it!

Infertility Brain

Infertility brain is a tricky, mostly nasty side effect of infertility. It makes me believe that I will never be pregnant again. It makes me question every decision I've made over the past 2 years. It makes me crazy for half of every month with worry. It takes me on a constant loop of hope to despair to hope. It's also recently convinced me to think that twins would be an exciting development. Everyone who is currently under fertility treatments or has done them in the past knows that the chance of multiples is increased due to the medication and treatments. The percentage increase depends on the type of medication and treatment, of course if you're doing IVF and you transfer two blasts then you know your chances are higher. Or if you do IUI with multiple follicles then your chances are higher.

We had two very mature follicles for our IUI, so there is a slightly higher percentage that we could end up with twins or more (imagine if both took and split and there where 4! - which is very unlikely but also a bit scary). It's all I can think about this week. What if we have twins? And I'm not scared, I'm excited by the thought and that's just crazy talk right there. Infertility brain. I'm so desperate for one baby that the thought of two is thrilling. Honestly the thought of pregnancy at this point is thrilling. But I know how hard one baby is, I really can't imagine how hard two would be. Q was a calm baby as long as he was being held - and he only wanted to be held by me. Still to this day he prefers me for all things. And while I revel in that and know that it won't always be this way - it's exhausting. It's hard to always be the only one who can brush his teeth or snuggle him in the morning or pick out his cloths or give him a bath or get him into and out of his car seat or pick him up or drop him off at school. Imagine that times two. I can't. I can't wrap my brain around it, which is probably why the thought of twins is still an exciting possibility to me.

I have no pregnancy tests in my house or else I would've tested by now. I'm about 4 days away from knowing if this worked or not, my period should be here by Monday if it's coming. This second week of the 2WW is a killer. I've been so distracted, haven't been able to concentrate at work or at anything else really. Only thinking about how I don't feel pregnant and will we have time to do another IUI before Christmas and would I do a third or move straight to IVF. I am hungry a lot, but that's normal before AF as well. And I did lose like 3 pounds and I haven't done anything different, other than worry.

IUI #1

So I didn't have a chance to update on how IUI #1 went since it was the Sunday before Thanksgiving, so it was just a very busy week. We only worked two days and then headed to my parents with my BIL and his whole family for Thanksgiving. Which was a lot of fun, but also very exhausting. BIL had a training class in Ohio (he owns a crossfit gym) so IG and BIL left early Friday morning only to get home to discover that our fridge was completely busted - it had a temperature of a comfortable 65 degrees.  So IG spent Friday fridge shopping on his own. On the positive side we got a $3,200 fridge for $1,700...on the negative side we had to spend $1,700 right before Christmas + throw out at least $300 worth of food + lost the second dose of my HCG trigger shot. But despite all that, Thanksgiving was good and it was nice to get away for a couple of days and it was nice to be busy it made the first week of the 2WW wait pass really fast and it's always nice when that can happen.

So IUI #1 - went as good as possible. Let's start at the beginning. I had my ultrasound on Friday 11/22, which I had to fight for because I was only CD 9/10 (I say 10, RE says 9, whatevs). Anyways the initially thought it was too early, even though I've told them multiple times that I ovulate on day 11 or 12 even while taking the clomid. At the ultrasound RE saw two big follicles on my right side one 26 the other 29 and then a really small one on my left, I think it was like 14. So he told me to trigger that night and go in Sunday (11/24) morning for the IUI. Not gonna lie, was a little nervous about IG giving me the trigger shot, especially because he wasn't at that appointment with me so I had to remember all the instructions that the nurse gave me on how to administer the injection. Luckily she gave me the needle she used to the mix the medicine so that he could practice on the couch - which he did and then later said the couch was a lot harder than my butt. We were told to trigger around 9:30pm, which was good cause that meant Q would already be in bed, not sure how it would've gone had he been around. IG did a really good job with shot all things considered. We had a bit of an issue getting the medicine in the needle and then changing from the 2inch to the 1inch needle, but otherwise it didn't hurt that bad. I did get one weird side effect that started in the middle of the night and throughout Saturday, which was a pain in my calf on the side in which the shot was administered. The handout that came with the medicine listed that as a side effect to immediately contact your Dr about for fear of blood clots and all Saturday morning I thought great I'm gonna end up in the ER and of course this just can't be this easy and why do I have to go through all this extra BS just to have a baby. I was in a very woe is me mind frame. I finally decided to call the emergency call number at my RE's office and the Dr on call seemed very unconcerned by it and told me to just take an aspirin. By Monday all pain was gone. So not sure if it was just a continence or something else.

Sunday morning IG had to drop off his sample at the lab by 7:30am so he had to get up pretty early to do his business. He was worried he didn't get a good enough sample, but turns out he has amazing sperm. That's what the RE said to me before the IUI. Pre-wash he had 244 mil little guys with a 77% motility, which the Dr said was really good. Post-wash we had 50 mil, with a 97% motility - so everything seemed to be aligned good - I had nice large follicles and sperm was good. The IUI itself was not bad, didn't feel like much more than a pap smear. Although it was weird to be there by myself, IG had to stay home with Q. So if I end up pregnant it would've been with IG not even in the room. The whole thing took like 20 mins start to finish, including laying there for 10 mins to give the guys a chance to get to their goal. My only concern is that I think I ovulated Saturday, so I'm not sure if the IUI Sunday morning was too late or not. I had my first positive OPK on Friday and I usually ovulate the day after that and my follicles where already really big on Friday. So I think I was already into my 12-36 hour window by the time we did the trigger shot. For sure I either ovulated on Saturday or Sunday, fingers crossed we weren't too late. We were told to have sex on Sunday night, but we were just exhausted that we didn't - so we'll see. I had my P4 levels checked on Monday and they came back at 49.4, which is lower than last time which was 55.5. It was already 1 day outside of the 7 days past ovulation as the IUI was Sunday, but the lab wasn't open over the weekend so I had to wait till Monday for the test and then if I did ovulate on Saturday it would've really be 9dpo. It's still a high number, but I wonder if it's going down.

So I will know by next Monday whether it worked or not. For IUIs my RE's office doesn't do a beta unless there is a positive HPT, so they told me to wait until at least Monday to test. I'll probably just wait to see if AF shows up, I don't think I could stomach another test. We are leaving Friday to head down to GA for little BIL's graduation and not getting home till Tuesday and then I leave again on the Thursday for Chicago for work. IG is meeting me there on Friday and we are spending the weekend away without Q, so either way it'll be good. We could celebrate or take the time to re-group and start again.

Today's Ultrasound

Had my RE appointment this afternoon to determine timing of this months IUI. All went good and I'm glad I pushed them to do it today, instead of Monday (they don't do routine ultrasounds on weekends). The office still seems surprised when I tell them that I ovulate early even while taking the clomid. Today is CD 9 or 10 depending on how you count the start of my period, I say it's day 10 RE's office saying it's day 9, but either way we are ready to go trigger for tonight and IUI Sunday morning. I had one follicle on my left that measured at about 12 and then two are my right one measured at 26 and the other at 29. So our protocol is trigger tonight, have sex, IUI Sunday morning. It'll be interesting to see how this goes.

Facebook Frustration

Tomorrow I have my ultrasound for my first IUI cycle. Even though we've done clomid the past two cycles I feel like this is the first real intervention type cycle, if that makes sense? My clomid cycles where not monitored, so this time around we will have a lot more Dr's appointments and b/w and general stress on how to fit it all into our schedules and Thanksgiving next week. So in light of all that I posted the following status on Facebook yesterday: Entering a chapter in my life I never imagined. The beginning is scary, I'm sure the middle will be difficult, but hopefully the ending will be beautiful.  Now I'm not generally a big Facebook poster, but I've been consumed by thoughts of what's ahead of us as we take this bigger leap into fertility treatments. Our families know what we are going through and a few of my close friends know as well, so I figured they would be able to deduce what that status was about - I was not prepared for people thinking that status was about being pregnant. Immediate reaction from folks was to post a comment to see if that was an announcement for baby number 2 - whoa had no idea my Facebook status was baby watch 2013. Was totally unprepared for that and even more so in the fact that my SIL and MIL posted on there about baby #2. First of all REALLY!!!!!!!! Second of all you know what we are going through so what are thinking posting that on my Facebook and Third do you really think when we get pregnant we wouldn't tell you and let you find out from a Facebook post.....again REALLY!!!! So I immediately deleted the entire thing, because the last thing I need is my entire Facebook world to think that I'm pregnant and it's like a cruel slap in the face. Maybe I'm naive and stupid - I honestly didn't expect to be bombarded with questions on that status being a baby announcement, especially by IG's family. And then I'm frustrated because I already feel restrain in expressing myself and I'm going through something and wanted some way to express it without coming out and saying it, but again I must just be naive and stupid. Honestly makes me want to delete my entire Facebook, because the last thing I need is scrutiny over everything I post to determine if it's related to a baby or not. And now I'm not even sure I can trust IG's family to not post something about what we are going through. We aren't public about it and I have co-workers on Facebook that have no idea what we are going through, so it would be really hard for me if that happened.

In other news, I'm trying patiently to wait for my ultrasound tomorrow and to see how everything looks. I'm anxious to get this show on the road, I feel like we've been stagnant for so long. At the same time I have no expectation that any of this will work. Infertility has trained me to expect a negative outcome so I can't even wrap my head around a positive one. I just keep thinking that since they don't know what's wrong there's no real chance that any of this will work. Also, I'm anxious/nervous because my RE is male and he's really good and I know it's not a big deal, but for me it just feels really uncomfortable to have anyone down there, but especially any guy who isn't my husband. I've always had female OB/GYN's for various reasons. I think I was slightly traumatized as a teenager by my first pap smear - not because anything bad happened, but just the overall experience. I've always been a bit of shy person when it comes to my body, except with the person I'm in a trusting relationship with, but I'm not a person who in general likes being naked in front of other people. I didn't breastfeed Q in front of my family, I always excused myself, it's just not something I'm comfortable with. My first pap smear was at the age of 17 as I was trying to obtain birth control - which I requested through my mother, but not with honesty that I was at the time having sex with my boyfriend.  Growing up we went to a family physician so the same Dr saw my entire family. So the prescription would have to come from him and in order to get it I needed a pap smear. It was initially made uncomfortable by the fact that he asked me while my mother was in the room if I was having sexually active and after I answered no said it's ok, I'll ask you again when your mother leaves - implying that I was lying (which of course I was, but really?). Thankfully, he did have my mother leave the room do the pap smear, but it just wasn't pleasant to have our family physician, the guy who'd seen me since I was an infant,  perform the pap smear and breast exam - compound that with the fact that I grew up in a very small town so it felt very odd to run into him the very next night at the high school basketball game. It was just not my ideal situation - I would, even to this day, prefer someone that I would never have to see outside in my real life. It just feels too weird to me. And given that fact that I've given birth were all modesty is out the window, you would think I would be over this, but I'm not. Not that I would switch RE's for that simple fact - I want the one that comes most highly recommended and that's the one I have - I'm just not overly enthused that on top of everything else I have to have a strange dude spending a lot of time looking at and putting things into my, you know what, fairly frequently for the next foreseeable future.

The Journey

I know that eventually my journey will end. I hope and pray that the end is near and that it's the end that I desire, but I know that either way at some point my journey will come to an end. Because they always do and then a new journey will start. Be that adoption or accepting life as a family of three. Right now is the hard part because I'm in the middle and the middle feels like moving forward without actually getting anywhere. It feels like walking on quick sand and sinking or being locked in a room alone with no way out. This is the hardest journey I've ever been on in my life to date and it's made especially hard by the feeling of failing constantly, of trying and getting nowhere, of hoping and always being let down, of being alone and lost and scared and sad, sometimes so very, very sad.

As I've mentioned before we are unexplained, there is no obvious reason why we can't conceive, highlighted by the fact that we were able to easily conceive Q. For me I think the journey would be easier, even if it was exactly the same, if I had some reason why we were going through it. Something concrete that I could point my finger at and direct my anger towards and blame for all the frustration and heartache and let down. But I don't. I have no explanation and so I take all those feelings and internalize them, knowing full well how dangerous that is. But I don't know what else to do.

We've changed the treatment plan for this cycle. I've decided I want to be more aggressive for a few a reasons: 1. It's been 5 months since I first met with the RE and I'm no farther along then I was 5 months ago, no closer to answers or pregnancy 2. I'm unexplained so basically we are on the generic one size fits all treatment plan 3. I have some insurance coverage and cost is not really a factor for us so I don't want nor need a slower paced plan due to lower cost options. So after 2 failed cycles of clomid plus timed intercourse we  are going to give IUI a try this month. I start clomid again on Saturday and then have my  ultrasound scheduled for next Friday - I usually ovulate around day 11 or 12 so hopefully we will be looking at doing insemination before Thanksgiving. The scheduling is a little difficult around the holidays, but I need to try something new. And I'm nervous because every time I've had some type of Dr's appointment or change my cycle has been a bit off and I feel like we are racing the clock being that I will ovulate at some point during Thanksgiving week and if it's on Thanksgiving then I'm likely out for this cycle.

I've also personally decided that I will try at most 3 IUI's and at most 3 fresh IVF cycles - if at that point we still aren't pregnant then it's time to end this journey with fertility treatments and decide where to go from there. I know that is still a lot of treatment and time in front of us, but I needed an end I could wrap my head around. The ability to know that we won't be in this forever, that this journey does have an end one way or another. Until then I continue to hope and pray for the end that includes a baby.

Going in Circles

Yesterday was what I'm guessing to be 14dpo and I say guessing because my temps have been crazy this cycle and FF can't detect my ovulation date based on my temps. So I'm going off of my +OPK dates and history, being that generally my history shows my O date to be the second +OPK date. However, I did have what looks to be a big dip in temperatures about 4 days after that, but - OPK results. So basically this being my first medicated cycle I'm very confused. I had my P4 tested on what I guessed to be 8dpo and the results came back at 55.5 so I felt pretty confident in guessing correctly the O date. However, yesterday I took a HTP and it was a BFN, I would expect my period sometime today or tomorrow given that its CD 27 and I've never (in the history of charting the last 14 of my 17 cycles) had an LP longer than 15 days, so my period should start tomorrow. BUT absolutely no signs that my period is coming, other than the BFN yesterday, but then again I have no signs that I'm pregnant either.

Needless to say I'm so very confused. Of course Dr. Google has some things to say about high P4 numbers sometimes indicating a pregnancy and at the very least indicating that I released more than one egg.  I tried my hardest not to let that get my hopes up, but most P4 numbers I read about where way lower than mine and the ones that were the same or higher were all from those taking progesterone. At this point, I'm thinking I was wrong about my O date, which would make me think maybe we are still in the game, but we didn't BD that much this month because IG got a nasty stomach bug from Q that lasted for a few days and so I think we missed our window. Can you tell I'm driving myself crazy????

There was no question about the BFN it was stark white. And I'm disappointed in myself for breaking down and buying a test, but I had no signs that AF was coming and my temps were staying pretty high (except today they dropped a bit) so I let myself hope. And I'm mad at myself for hoping. I feel stupid for thinking that I could possibly be pregnant. That high P4 numbers was an indicator of anything other than the fact that I'm ovulating which has never been the problem. I'm ovulating, my egg quality is good, IG has lots of sperm and they move just fine, but this goal feels impossible. Right now on this day it feels like I will never be pregnant again and I'm so pissed and sad and frustrated. The longer it takes the more I think about how I didn't want so many years between Q and a sibling and it's so frustrating that it's out of my control. And to top it off I found out last week that another friend of mine is pregnant, became that way without trying very hard and it's so unfair. And I hate that I can't even congratulate her. I can't muster it or face it or feel it. So I avoid it and deny it and bury it and hate it.

I read a lot of things that talk about how unfair infertility is, but nothing can do this feeling justice. It doesn't make any sense. There are no obvious physical reasons why we can't get pregnant and I hate that my life is just stuck in this pattern of going in circles. I hate that I focus so much time and energy on this when there is Q. I hate that every month I have to ride this roller coaster of emotions that never goes anywhere. I hate that I feel like a failure and that I don't trust my body anymore. I hate that I hate thinking about the future and being scared to make plans because I don't know what point in a cycle we will be in. I hate thinking that I will never know what it's like to be pregnant again or to hold my baby in my arms. I hate that we have a house full of empty rooms and a car that's way to big for a family of three. I hate that we bought them because we fully expected to fill them and I hate that we can't make that happen. I hate that there is no timeline or end in sight. I hate that I feel hopeless. And I hate that I don't know how to control it anymore. I don't understand the journey, I don't understand the lesson, I don't understand.

Playing The Baby Lottery

Today is day 7 of cycle 17 and my first cycle on clomid. Today was my fifth and last day of 50mg a day of clomid. This was prescribed by my RE and there is no monitoring this cycle so just clomid and TI (timed intercourse). The RE's nurse suggested that we have sex starting today through day 18....that is way more sex then either of us can handle at this point. I mean that is the amount of sex we had when we first met each other and while it was fun and exciting and new it was also exhausting, really really exhausting. Now let's add our increased responsibilities, our toddler into the mix and really who wants to have sex for 11 days straight - I don't have enough creative energy left in me to make that desirable. Maybe on vacation, maybe without the toddler or the requirement to be up at 6:30am every.single.day or the the ever present thought in the back of our heads that we are only have sex because someone else told us we should and if we don't, if we miss just one day then maybe we've screwed ourselves for a whole other month. Sounds awesome, right? And I have this, probably irrational but maybe substantial, thought that if the sex isn't good then we have no hope in this crazy baby lottery that we play every month. This is not to say that I don't find sex with my husband enjoyable - it's always enjoyable, but sometimes it's just hurry up and let me get to sleep enjoyable or don't kiss me I already have my retainer in enjoyable. We are not a couple that has sex every day and after Q was born sometimes we weren't even having sex every week. But we have moments - really good, incredible moments  - so the potential for amazing sex is always there and in my head I'm convinced that it takes one of those moments to create a baby. It would have to be an amazing  moment to win the baby lottery, just like it would have to be an amazing moment to win the money lottery. But 11 days of amazing moments just isn't going to happen.

Like every cycle I've spent the days of my period in a gray cloud of sadness. Walking daily through thoughts of never ending disappointment fogging my everyday life. I think this time around was a little more sever then usual, probably thanks to the clomid. It's not anything clinical, but it is a sadness that follows me around for days, where I think this will never happen for us and I hate every pregnant person and secretly judge them and their abilities to be a good parent. But just like every other cycle once my period ends the cloud slowly starts to recede and I feel a bit hopeful again. Infertility certainly is a roller coaster of emotions and for those of us with shorter cycles it's a very fast and bumpy ride. I get my period every three weeks so a fourth of my time I feel defeated and lonely and desperate, but three fourths of the time I feel hope and excitement. I fantasize about what it will feel like when my numbers finally hit and I win the lottery. I think about how it will not only change my life, but the life of my entire (extended) family and how they will feel. Especially now that we've come "out" so to speak about our struggles to conceive. It's an excitement that I feel in the pit of my stomach and it bubbles up and out through all of my extremities. It's a feeling that makes it hard to sit still, hard to work, hard to think of anything other than what it will feel like to be pregnant and to eventually hold that new tiny life. I can feel the joy in every ounce of my being, with the realization that my fantasized feelings are only a fraction of what it will actually feel like. What I do know is that it will be an amazing feeling, but until that point I continue to ride the infertility ride.

So five days of clomid this cycle - my side effects weren't really that bad. Slight head ache in the evenings and a bit of trouble sleeping the last few days, potentially lower lows during my period, but nothing to really complain about. Fingers crossed that clomid is just the lucky charm we need to hit the jackpot this month.

Still Here

And still not pregnant. Currently in the two week wait of my 3rd month since seeing the RE, this is the amount of time we agreed that I would continue to try naturally before moving on to taking to Clomid. Have no faith or thought that this month will be any different then the past 15, so fully expecting to be calling the RE in the near future for the first round of Clomid. Started this cycle on vacation so I'm not tracking at all, which has been kind of nice, no temps, no OPKs, no nothing - so I have no idea, outside of physical signs of ovulation, if we had good timing or not. Have no idea when my period is supposed to begin - guess it'll just be a nice little surprise.

In other news I've been tracking what we've spent so far. After battles with the insurance company I have managed to get some of the tests/consultations covered so this is lower then it could've been, but already not cheap and we haven't even done anything expensive yet:

So what's the problem...

I haven't been here in a while. Honestly I've just been exhausted. On top of all this we've been super busy the past few weeks with going to my parents, planning and having Q's birthday party and getting ready to leave for vacation (this weekend yay!!). And then my boss was out for a few weeks so things at work where super busy, plus I have to make a day trip to one of our delivery centers this week so I'm extra stressed about having the time to get everything ready for vacation. Within all that I did get my CD3 testing done about a month ago at this point and everything came back.....wait for it.......normal, sigh. I know most people would be relieved to find out that everything is fine, I mean we aren't even borderline on anything we are well within range for everything, but the no explanation is really hard for me. The nurse, when she called me, told me again that she was optimistic that I would get pregnant on my own. I wish I could believe her. My period is supposed to start this weekend and my temps have been dropping over the last few days so it looks like it's going to happen. We booked our vacation in March and I never imagined that I would NOT be pregnant on vacation. At the time I couldn't even wrap my mind around the fact that I would be sitting here all these cycles later without a pregnancy.

The plan for now is to try one more month natural and then move onto clomid for my mid-September cycle, if I'm not pregnant. Because my cycles are on the shorter side I should ovulate twice in September - during the first and last weeks. I'm just really praying for a summer baby, I would be so overjoyed if I could get pregnant this fall. Outside of that plan I've also started back with yoga and upped my exercise to 3 times a week from 2. Although that'll likely change as we move into Fall and Q starts swim lessons and soccer and we get generally busier. I love being able to practice yoga again. I've been doing a hot yoga class every Friday morning and it's no joke, it's really hard and my muscles definitely need to build up a bit, but I love it. It just relaxes me and centers me and calms and I feel like I can release the whole week and prepare for a new one. I wish I could go more than once a week, but just haven't been able to find it in the schedule yet. I've also started listening to some fertility meditations that I found online. My goal for this next cycle is try and listen to one every day. I don't think there can be anything bad about focusing my thoughts and love and energy into the child that I'm trying to create and anything that  helps keep me calm is always a good thing. I haven't tried acupuncture yet - I would love to try it, but I'm hesitant because of the money and trying to find time in my schedule.

I've also recently been embattled with the insurance company over my fertility coverage. This has been super stressful and honestly way more difficult that it should be. I honestly believe that they make it so hard that a person would just give up and stop fighting to correct an  incorrect claim, but not me. I had to fight them for three weeks to cover my appointment with the RE as 'in-network' therefore, completing my deductible requirement and moving my coverage amount up from 60% to 85%. Let me tell you it was a battle, but it was well worth it and I'm anticipating having to fight with them this entire time because this was so difficult.

So with all that I'm just ready for my cycle to re-start and to keep moving forward. Sucks that it's going to happen next week while we're on vacation, but at least I know I can drink!

In other life related news we celebrated Q's birthday this past weekend. It's a few weeks early, but we planned it that way as we are on vacation for the next two Saturdays. It was a lot of fun, but pretty exhausting. My entire in-law family came and stayed at our house for the weekend. So from Friday to Sunday we 8 additional people and 1 additional dog in the house. It was a lot of people to cook for, keep entertained and clean up after, but it was great to get see everyone as it only really happens with IG's family once or twice a year. Q had a great time celebrating his birthday. He's been talking about it for months and was over the moon when his yellow birthday party was finally upon us.

This post is kind of  mash of everything that is happening, but I guess it's fitting. We are dealing with infertility, but we keep moving forward, we celebrate birthdays and visit with family and plan and take vacations and look ahead because there is no point in looking back.

I'll leave you with a picture of Q from this weekend, which pretty accurately captures his pure birthday party joy.

Bad Days/Good Days

Every cycle has a lot of ups and downs and this one feels like a lot of downs. I'm just getting started on my journey, all though I've been at it for a year, and I feel exhausted already. I keep looking back to missed opportunities, I keep spinning my thoughts on what's wrong. Every cycle I hit a point where I feel like I will never be pregnant again, period. No further text needed. And it leaves me feeling sad and empty and then guilty because I feel like I'm focusing all my energy on this one thing and I do have this beautiful wonderful boy in my life. Am I supposed to be just satisfied with him? I don't know. Am I supposed to be learning a lesson here? If so I'm desperate to find out what it is... acceptance, patience, persistence, faith, hope?!?!

I know other people on this journey feel this same way, like it'll never happen. In the beginning I fantasized about what it would feel like to see those two pink lines, how I would tell my friends and family, what time of year it would be when the baby was born, when I would take my maternity leave and what I would do. I even fantasized about seeing Q hold his little bother or sister, visiting us in the hospital. Every cycle I lose another little piece of that picture. Staring cycle 16 in the face I can't imagine seeing two pink lines and then I think am I shooting myself in the foot by thinking it won't happen. You get back what you put out and I try every day to put out there the hope that I will be pregnant again, but every day that's harder and harder to do. What could possibly have changed in my body over these past 3 years that is making this so difficult. I literally got pregnant the first time in my life that I had sex without protection while not on birth control. That experience scared me into believing that I was so fertile that I would refuse to have sex with IG without a condom even in situations where I wanted it so bad I was almost crazed. I look back now and I wish I wouldn't have cared, because what if one of those times was supposed to be the time and I stopped it. I wasn't ready to be pregnant with Q when that happened, but it is the best thing that ever happened in my life. I know logically it's a waste of time to look back because there is nothing that can be done about that, but it's so hard not to analyze ever aspect of the last 2 years. It's hard not to think why did I wait so long to try again and why didn't I just let the passion take over and let whatever was to be to be instead of trying to control the situation. Because now I can't un-control the situation. I can't un-know all the details of my cycle, I can't un-think about what's happening during a two week wait, I can't stop from trying to feel any physical sign of pregnancy and I wish I could. I wish I didn't have to think so hard about when and how to have sex with my husband. I wish I could just let it all go and stop paying attention and let what is to be to be. But I can't.

I had my blood draw for CD3 testing done yesterday and am waiting to hear back from the Dr. The lab said they would send over the results by the end of the day (yesterday) so I'm expecting a call hopefully today or tomorrow. I'm anxiously awaiting the results - hoping that there will be something there that will give a sign as to why we are struggling, but hoping that everything is fine. It's a weird feeling wanting something to be wrong and not wrong at the same time.

How does one let go and not give up at the same time? I want to let go, I want to give back the energy and time to my son that he has lost to this, even though he's not aware. And I want to keep focused on the ultimate outcome of growing our family. This week, this day, this cycle I am struggling and I feel stuck. It's like what they say about being insane, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome each time. Am I insane for continuing to believe that we will have another baby?

As Made Famous by Mario: Here We Go Again

At this point I'm 98% sure that my period is going to start. I always hate the 2nd week of the 2WW because I'm obsessively analyzing every potential symptom and I always convince myself that I have no symptoms at all. With that I was sad yesterday and I feel sad today. I just can't wrap my mind around whats so different this time. Why is my body so different this time, what have I done differently? I just don't understand it and it makes it so hard for me. If I could just have some clear reasoning I would be better able to cope with this, but I almost feel like I'm being punished and I'm desperately trying to find out why. So basically I'm having a bad couple of days and I hate when I start to feel like this and then I just feel like it's never going to happen. I do always feel this way at the start of cycle and then by the time we get to the FW I feel hope again. I know this is the pattern I follow every time, but it doesn't make it any easier each time a cycle ends. Now I'm just waiting for AF to show up and hoping that it happens tomorrow or Saturday so that I can time my CD3 bloodwork nicely with my schedule. And I have an overwhelming feeling that all of that is going to turn out normal and we will still be left standing in the dark with not a single light to show us the way.

Royal Baby Craze and My Labor Story

Little baby Cambridge is finally here after a month long contraction watch  and I have to admit that I've been anxiously following Kate's progress, delivery and hospital discharge. I did in fact just watch live streaming video of the new Royal family exiting the hospital and making their first appearance. I feel oddly invested in this baby, maybe because the entire length of her pregnancy and beyond I have been trying to become pregnant myself. I know that I am just one of millions of people fascinated with this baby, but it's not like me to be this invested that I would sit and watch live video streams at work so that I could see them leave the hospital for the first time. It makes me nostalgic about my own labor and delivery and it makes me yernful to do it again. I feel a sense of connection because I too experienced labor and gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Although I don't know, nor could I ever imagine what it would be like to give birth with millions of people waiting and watching. Or stepping out 24 hours after giving birth and greeting a throng of photographers and reporters. I could barely shower 24 hours after delivery, let alone do my hair or put on make-up (to be sure these things were done for Kate).

Q's labor, for the most part, was fairly easy. His due date was September 3 and being that both my brother and I came two weeks early I was ready for him to arrive in mid-August. He had other plans, namely to show up on the date appointed to him, which looking back now fits his personality perfectly - that's the date that was chosen and it cannot be any other date. It's funny to think that little things like that could take shape in our personalities, but I digress. On September 2 I was starting to feel like the baby was never going to come, I was actually starting to get down about it. I desperately did not want to be induced and I was so worried that was going to happen. I should have known better because 3 days prior I had my 39 week appointment in which I had my first internal exam (I had been refusing them since 36 weeks when the Dr's office wanted to start - I didn't see the point) and I was 3cm dilated already. I had also started to grow increasingly uncomfortable, but was still talking walks every day and still sleeping without too much interruption. On this particular day I went for long with my mom - in crocs and socks I might add,  ate cuban for lunch and ran a bunch of errands.  One of which included getting IG a new iPhone and it was there in the AT&T store that I felt my first real contraction. We came home and my mom started making dinner while I sat on the yoga ball quietly timing my contractions. I hadn't yet said anything because I wasn't ready for all the commotion to start with IG or my mom. Finally, after IG had spent the better part of an hour trying to set up his new phone I told him he better get it set up because he would need it that night.  This was at about 7:30, so we started timing my contractions ate dinner, I took a shower, did my hair, put on make-up (yes I was one of those women who wanted to be put together to be taken apart by delivery) and continued to labor at the house. Finally around 11:30 or so I called the Dr when my contractions where about 3 minutes apart. I thought I wasn't really that far along because, although painful, the contractions weren't incapacitatingly painful, they weren't lasting more than a minute and I'd only really been in labor for 4 hours (or so I thought, I know better now and had been in early labor for awhile, just didn't realize it because to me it wasn't that painful).

On the way to the hospital my contractions slowed down considerably. To the point where they were creeping closer to 10 minutes apart. I thought crap I'm going to get to the hospital and they are going to turn me away because I'm not far enough along (again being 3cm was enough to be admitted so I don't know what my crazy brain was getting at - it's not like I could un-dilate at that point). Looking back now I believe it was the sitting still that slowed the contractions. At the house I was on the ball or on all fours or leaning against the wall. Basically letting my body take the lead to tell me what would help alleviate and motivate the labor process and my body knew what to do. We get to the hospital and of course had to fill out a ton of paperwork even with pre-registration. The person in admin treated me like a non-laboring person, like I was walking in there at just the start of labor, even though at this point I obviously couldn't sit comfortably through a contraction. The hospital where I gave birth requires a laboring mother to go to triage first to be examined prior to admissions to make sure they are progressed enough. So back to triage we go and I'm asked to change into the hospital gown. I start to have a ginormous desire to pee so I ask the nurse if it's ok, she says yes and that she'll be back in a minute. So I pee and then ask IG to take one last picture of the belly (we had been doing weekly belly pictures and this one would be week 40). The nurse happens to walk back in while we are taking the picture and then never returns. She must have thought that I wasn't that far along if we could still be standing and taking posed pictures. At this point my contractions where growing more and more uncomfortable so finally I ask IG to go get the nurse - who happened to be just standing at the nurses station chatting it up. She comes in and hooks me up to the monitors and what not and asks me on a scale of 1-10 what my pain level was, to which I replied 5 or 6. I mean it was painful, but it wasn't like kill me now painful. The nurse proceeds to do an internal exam and a look of shock over takes her face. I immediately start to cry because I think something is wrong, but she turns to us and says "you are 8cm dilated and I really thought you would only be at like a 5" and then she says "I hate to see what a 10 on the pain scale is for you". Too bad she wasn't present during delivery because she would've seen it.

We are immediately admitted and moved over to the labor and delivery room which is across the hall on the other side of the nurses station. They tried to get me into a wheelchair, but I insisted on walking. At this point it's roughly 12:30am on Q's due date. The labor and delivery nurses get me set up, botch my IV - it was a nurse in training or a new nurse, but anyways she couldn't get it in and it ended up falling out during delivery anyways. They had me sign some forms and told me it was too late for an epidural, which I told them was fine as I didn't want one anyways. The head nurse starts to tell me about her own 12 week old baby and how this is her first night back at work. She then checks me and I'm at 9cm - in a matter of 30mins. At this point they start to frantically prepare the room because they think the baby is coming and coming fast. I remember the nurse telling me next time not to wait so long to go the hospital as I might end up having the baby in the car - but the point was to labor as much as possible at home because I didn't want to be confined to a bed and I didn't want it to slow down my labor. Which is exactly what it did. I made it to 9.5cm and then nearly fully dilated but a lip of cervix on my right side would not move out of the way. My water never broke naturally and after about an hour and a half in the labor and delivery room the Dr decided to break my water at which point my contractions started coming back to back. I was crying, I was hot, I was nauseous and gagging, I felt like I had to pee and I felt like I wanted it over. I was ready for it to be done. It was painful to lay there, it was painful to move, it was painful to stand or to be examined and I was getting no breaks between contractions. I was crying, my mom was crying and IG was at a total loss but trying to coach me none the less. Finally about 2 and half hours after moving into labor and delivery I was ready to push. And think about this I went from 0/3cm to 9.5cm in roughly 4 hours and that last half a cm, that right side of my cervix took 2 and half hours and the thing that changed the most was being confined, not being able to move how and where I instinctively wanted too.  The pushing process starts and the Dr is called I can feel the head moving up and down and as the Dr is getting dressed I get hit with a hard contraction. I look at the nurse and tell her I want to push, but that if I push the baby will come out, she says no its fine push and I say no I'm telling you if I push that baby is going to come out and she tells me again its fine go ahead and push. So I push. And the baby comes out. And the Dr has to catch him with one hand because she's not ready. And the force of the push leaves me the a 3rd degree tear. I would say a little more coaching and little more listening would've been nice, but a first time mother is never seen as the expert in a delivery room. Which is a shame. I see Q for the first time and I'm crying and I say how much he looks like IG and then I say he's so hairy! His little back was covered in tiny black hairs. They take him away to weigh, measure and do apgars. IG and my mom make phone calls and hold him and take pictures. And it takes the Dr 45 minutes to repair my tear, in which she was not able to fully numb me so I can feel half the stitches and nearly half the repairs. The Dr and two nurses are working to repair the damage, apparently needing to push my uterus back up and out of the way. The Dr firmly tells me twice that if I cannot hold still she will have to knock me out and take me to surgery. I'm gripping the handle bars and trying my best to stay still but 1. I just pushed a nearly 8 pound baby out, 2. I have not been given any pain medication and 3. you have not fully numbed the area how you would like me to stitch your private parts without numbing them first!!!!! Ok that's what I wanted to say but I bit my lip, tightened my grip and was determined not to have miss these moments with my new son.  I have always said that my after delivery was much worse then the actual delivery. The after part is what turns my stomach when I think about it because of the pain. But that experience brought me Q and he was perfect and tiny, not a wrinkle on his face. He latched on right away and snuggled up right under my chin (a thing he still does to this day) and I kissed his lips and held onto my miracle.

I plan to do my next labor (whenever that might be) natural without medication as well. I am certain it helped with successful nursing and lead to a speedy recover for both Q and myself. It helped my body bounce back quickly. I could do without the life threatening tear, but if that's what it would take to bring another little miracle into this world I would fight through that as well. I will likely give birth again in a hospital although I'd like one that has water birth capabilities. I would love to do a water birth. They say you forget about the pain of labor and delivery in order to have another baby and it's so true. I know it was painful and for months after I couldn't imagine doing it that way every again, but now nearly 3 years later I know I made the right decision and that I would do that way again. These 3 years have washed away the memory of the pain and have replaced it with the memory of the miracle. That's what I long for as I eagerly watch all the coverage of little baby Cambridge, the little tiny miracle that comes from the amazing, life changing experience of labor and delivery.

Goodbye Friend

Yesterday we said goodbye do our dear friend and loyal companion Meeko. Meeko was our 15 year old sheltie who had been with IG since he was a puppy. Meeko came into my life 6 years ago when IG and I began dating and he was a joyful, loving, affectionate, protective, playful, happy dog. I always affectionately referred to him as my step-child since he came along with the relationship. But over the years I, and in turn, my family grew to love and count on Meeko. He had started to disappear in front of our eyes over the last few months, eating less and less until recently pretty much not eating at all. The truth his he hadn't been Meeko for a while now and it was time to help him pass on. He will forever be in our hearts and it's heartbreaking to have Q ask about when he is coming home, even though we've told him Meeko is now living in heaven with God and that he won't live with us anymore. Meeko I hope you are out there chasing birds, getting your belly rubbed and licking many loving hands. We will see you again when our family is reunited, we love you and will always be grateful for the joy and companionship you brought to our lives. Goodbye friend.

RE Appointment and Optimism

I had my first RE appointment last week. I think I had been building up the appointment in my head. Like on the first visit I was going to get some awe inspiring information that would magically lead me to a pregnancy. Well that didn't exactly happen. He talked to me a lot about percentages and odds. Basically telling me that a couple that has been trying for 0 months has a 15% chance of getting pregnant (that was us with Q!) and then a couple who has been trying for 12 months has a 10% chance of getting pregnant (that's us now). Ok so every month we have a 10% chance of getting pregnant, not amazing but it's not nothing. He also told me that 85% of couples get pregnant within the first year and of the remaining 15%, 85% of those get pregnant in the second year. Somehow we are tied to that 15%, must be our lucky (or unlucky) percentage? What he was trying to tell me is not to freak out that it's ok that we aren't pregnant after 12 months of trying and that we still have a good chance of achieving pregnancy. This I know, have known, the question is how we are going to get pregnant...natural or otherwise. 

He went over a lot of technically what it takes to get pregnant and what all needs to happen. I guess some people require this information, but I happened to learn that in 6th grade sex ed at good old Maple St. Elementary. He generally spoke at me rather quickly and threw a lot of information at me, but I didn't feel like he was uncaring or unconcerned. Also, he was generally very optimistic about our ability to get pregnant. He said to me that of all the couples he sees we are one of the most fertile - so I guess that's good? Also, that the HSG has been known to increase fertility for 3-4 months and I just had mine done last month.  Honestly I'm so conflicted because I want to share his optimism, I mean I should be happy that both the RE and his nurse told me they are optimistic that I would get pregnant on my own and that's good to hear. But I've heard it before - my OB told me that in December and then my GP told me that I would be pregnant in a few more months in February (I did not go to her for pregnancy/fertility related reasons, but gave medical history and told her we were actively trying to conceive - which she asked before ordering some tests). So there is that side of me that's like nothing has changed so how will the outcome change? What's going to be different these next few months that wasn't there for the past 14? 

As I type that last sentence I can't help but think about the sermon from church this past Sunday. I wasn't raised in a very religious household and always had a feeling that religion and conversvitisim (is that a word?) always went hand in hand and I'm certainly not a conservative person. But have in some ways always sought a connection to greater spirit or power. Since starting my relationship with IG we have attended church on and off in our various locations (IG was raised in religion and it is something that is very important to him and his family). We have a found a church here that is pretty modern and all though I don't agree with all their doctrines or beliefs - for example I believe people are born with their particular sexual orientation - I have found that I enjoy, even look forward to attending on Sundays. I've started to feel a real connection to a higher power and this journey has certainly put that into a perspective that I would have never otherwise had. I have blogged about that before, that conception takes more than sex or love, sperm and eggs. There is definitely a divine element to it. So, to circle back to my first sentence of this tangent, this Sunday was about walking in faith and believing in the unseen. So if all things are possible in God than having the faith that I will get pregnant again feels like it should be part of this process. If I truly believe there is a plan for me in this world and I know at the essence of my being that that includes mothering more than one child then my goal is to let go and walk in faith that the plan will come to fruition at the exact moment it is destine to. Maybe I was supposed to go the RE and hear what he has to say and to follow his advice and to keep calm and carry on. 

We are a few days into the 2WW of cycle 15 and still every cycle I have felt hope and this cycle is no different. I am still hopeful that this cycle will be our cycle. And if it's not then there will be hope next cycle and so on and so forth until the day that I hold my new miracle in my arms and kiss their lips and snuggle them in my arms. Ultimately the RE's advice is to keep trying until the fall and then if we still aren't pregnant to try 3 months of clomid (a medicine that aids in ovulation) and if that doesn't work 3 months of IUI and if that doesn't work we'll hash out another plan. So I guess when it's all said and done I'm at peace with his advice and the appointment and I was able to walk away with a piece of his optimism. 

Here We Go Again

Cycle 15 officially started yesterday....I'm not surprised but still sad about it and so ready to move forward and see if we can figure out what's going on. I'm glad that I have an appointment with the RE already scheduled for next week so we don't have to wait too long to get things moving. Called insurance today to make sure I had all my ducks in a row and apparently I need to enroll into some type of Reproductive Resource Services program in order for my benefits to kick in. Sounds awesome. I get a case worker and everything. Yippee! Can you feel the excitement? One of my pet peeves about insurance is the forcing of services I didn't ask for nor really want. But if it's whats required to receive benefits for fertility treatments then I'll do what I have to.

I tried to call and schedule an acupuncture appointment today, but the one recommended by the RE's office is on vacation until July 7 so I guess that will have to wait till next week. I was back and forth about making the appointment and almost didn't call, only because I'm not sure where I'm going to find another hour each week. Between Q and work and trying to get to the gym 3 times a week and dinner and groceries and laundry and sleep, I'm not sure where else I have time. It's about 20 mins away from my office so that pretty much blows my idea of trying to make it a lunch time thing out of the water. But I'm resolved to give it a try so I will call again next week and figure it out from there.

In other news, I'm looking forward to the 4th of July. It's a 3 day work week so that's always nice and I only have to drive into the office today and tomorrow. Wednesday is the big fireworks display here in downtown and they start shutting down roads on Tuesday and then into Wednesday including blocking off parking garages. I don't want to get stuck in any of that mess so I'm working from home Wednesday. Apparently the fireworks display here is the 2nd largest in the country. We've never gone to the event and Q is still too young to drag him through all that, but it'll be fun to check them out in a couple years when he's older. We are going to my parents this weekend for a cookout and fireworks. Fourth of July is a big deal in the town I grew up in, so it'll be a lot of fun. Plus, Q loves going to Grandma and Grandpa's house and I love the extra playmates there.

I hope this week goes fast, I'm already anxious to get to my RE appointment, just to see what it's like. I hate the unknown and there's only so much internet stalking research I can do about the Dr and the practice and infertility in general. I feel like we have been stagnant for 15 cycles and I just want to do something, anything to move forward. Anyways good thing it's a holiday weekend so I have plenty to keep me occupied.

A Battle for Love

There are no words that can describe how desperately I want to have another baby. It consumes just about every waking moment in my life and has for the past year. This was never a battle I thought I would have to fight, but I find myself fighting it none the less. And you know what? I'm one tough fighter. I always have been, even as a little girl. And I'm not going to lose this fight, I refuse. I refuse to give up, I refuse to let go, I refuse to stop believing that all this love I have inside me isn't meant for that perfect baby that will be mine one day. I am not a perfect mother. I have made plenty of mistakes. I have lost my temper and yelled at my child in frustration in lack of what else to do. I have turned by back only to find him running down the middle of the street or down the aisle in the store or jumping into the deep end of the pool or holding a pair of scissors. I am not a perfect mother, no where near perfect. But I love my son so fiercely that it scares me sometimes. This feeling is unlike any other and I am so connected to that little person it is unbelievable. I know that I have that within me already for this baby to be. I have so much love for this baby that is still just a wish in my heart and that I am so desperately trying to conceive.So much that every time my cycle ends I literally feel a sense of loss. I have mourned 14 times for those babies that I was unable to conceive and each time it gets harder. Despite the disappointment, my love for this baby to be only grows stronger and that love is what keeps me going. It's shocking how strong the love is for this child that doesn't yet exist in my life. 

It's this love that is going to keep carrying me forward, especially today where all signs are pointing to another cycle ending in a period instead of a pregnancy. I was hopeful this cycle. Outside of the fact that we had really good timing I just felt more hope this time. Twice this cycle I had this feeling about the room that will be the nursery that I've never had before. Once walking by it, just seeing from the corner of my eye, I could feel it as a child's room, I could feel what it would be like to have another child in that room. And a second time while in there with my son, looking out the front window talking to his dad, I got that same feeling.  It felt like home, like family, like comfort and light and life even though it's just a room with two air mattresses and Q's misplaced furniture. I could feel the love in that room, it was palpable, it took my breath away and filled me with joy.  I thought that feeling was a good sign, my intuition kicking in and so I had extra hope this time. But today it looks like this cycle isn't meant to be my cycle. My body is giving me signs that usually mean my period is just a few days away. 

I don't know why it's so hard this time around. I don't know why it is such a battle or why it is taking so long or what else I can do to achieve a different outcome. But I believe with my entire being, my whole heart and sole and existence that this is a battle for love and love will keep me strong. It will keep me hopeful and it will keep me moving forward. Did my heart hurt today? Yes it did. Am I sad? Yes I am. But did I lose my hope or resilience or belief that someday I will carry another child. No I didn't. I know that the plan for my life includes more than one child. I know it in my core. I can see it so clearly in my head, my pregnant belly, my labor, Q holding the baby. I can literally feel the weight of that tiny baby on my body. So on days like today where I'm faced with another disappointment I will cry and mourn and pick myself up again and try again because it's a long way from over. 

Summertime Fun and RE Appointment Scheduled

I was off work all last week just to stay home and hang out with Q and it was really great. It was his transition week from the sitters to early preschool, which started today. It was so much fun and so precious to just get to spend that one on one time with him. It amazes me how much I love that kid it's an unbelievable, indescribable kind of love. For the first time last week I thought that 18 years is not enough time to spend with this kid under my roof, I want more time. Now maybe I'm optimistic that Q will go to college at 18 or that he won't live at home while he does it, but all those things seem like very real possibilities and I can't believe I only have 15 years left! It's funny cause while growing up, 18 couldn't come fast enough, I was so ready to get out of my parents house I felt so grown and so mature and I was soooo neither of those things. And on this side, 18 years is not enough with Q, he is the most awesome little kid I've ever met. He's so intelligent and funny and serious and handsome and loving and talkative and curious and obnoxious (he's a 2 so it comes with the territory). Spending this last week with him was such a blessing and we had so much fun together. I know everyday that I'm doing the right thing for my family and myself by working, but it's times like those where I get a little inkling of wishing I stayed at home. Needless to say we had a great time and today he started school and so far so good. He seemed a little apprehensive this morning when we were in his classroom, but there was no crying and the school has emailed me that he's doing great today. I hope he really like it's and really flourishes there (which I'm pretty certain he will).

In baby making news, I'm into the second week of the two week wait for this month. Timing looks really good we hit O-2, O-1, O and O+1 so here's hoping that the HSG did clear out the pipes and that this month will be our month. I've been doing a lot better lately with the worrying and just holding a feeling that when the timing is right it will happen, either naturally or with intervention. My period is due this Sunday so we will see. I did get the call last week from OB that confirmed all the tests came back normal (thanks already knew that!). They asked me what I wanted to do next and I said I wanted to work with an RE if/when I do any medicated cycles so I have my first RE appointment schedule for July 9. That way if my period does start I'm already on the books since it takes about 2 weeks to get an appointment. I haven't done any CD3 testing yet and that date would be past CD3 assuming my period starts Sunday and lasts the standard 6 days - so we'll have to wait to August to start any additional testing. But fingers doubled crossed I won't even need the appointment!

Be at Peace

Today I am trying to let go of the things I cannot control. This is hard for me, really really hard. There are so many things that are outside of my control and dealing with that is one of the big struggles of my life. I'm a planner, I'm a logical thinker, I can break down tasks and items and categorize and manage and control. If only I could do that with my body (or my two year old!) I think I would be a much more peaceful person. But every day is a new day and a chance to try again. So today I declare health, I declare favor and I declare abundance. Today I know that I am blessed, I am strong, I am healthy and this will be great year. (yes sometimes affirmations make me feel better or a least less likely to go crazy at any minute).

I found this on a blog a few weeks ago and as I look to my future and whatever it may hold, I hope to keep this in mind along the journey and learn to let go and know that it'll be ok in the end.

"Be at Peace" by Saint Frances de Sales

Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life;
rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise,
God will lead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in his arms.

Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day.
He will either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

HSG Complete

Today I had a Hysterosalpingogram or what is more commonly called an HSG. WebMD describes an HSG as the following: an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. It often is done for women who are having a hard time becoming pregnant (infertile). 

This was a pretty easy procedure and even though I knew a bit about it before going in it was a little different than I expected. My OB never told me who would be performing the procedure and for whatever reason I wasn't expecting a radiologist, even though it was scheduled in the hospital.  I guess it makes sense in the fact that they took X-rays, but for some reason I thought it would either be my OB or an OB specialist performing the test. Anyways, the whole thing probably took 15 minutes max once the Dr was there. It's a bit odd to be all set up just like I'm getting an annual exam but on an x-ray table. It's also awesome that because it's an x-ray room there were not any stirups - good thing the nurse gave me those grip socks so my feet didn't slide right off the end of the X-ray table. Also odd that after the speculum and catheter are inserted I was told to push myself back and straighten out my legs - feels a bit awkward to say the least. Overall it didn't hurt much, just a slight cramp when the balloon was inflated and then a slight cramp when the Dr asked me to roll one side then the other to get some side shots. Outcome? Radiologist said everything looks perfect - his words exactly and the second time I've heard that word used. Everything looks exactly how it should, fluid flowed nicely and no evidence of polyps or scaring or anything. He did confirm that my uterus is slightly tilted and then asked me if my husband had been tested because these pictures looked so good. Yes, he has thank you. He will write up a full report and send to my OB over the next day or two and I guess we decide where to go from there. 

So far here is where we stand: 

• Blood work 8dpo (lab was closed for memorial day on 7dpo) - looked at progesterone and THS - both good
• SA - looks perfect
• HSG - looks perfect

So no obvious signs of an issue other than the fact that 14 cycles later we still aren't pregnant. Dr said today that he has heard of some success after an HSG because it can clear out all the junk I guess? Would be awesome, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I mean it could always happen I suppose, but I'm so used to it not happening that I get to a point where I would be shocked if it did happen. 

So looks like our next step is to move onto the RE. Waiting for official word from OB on the HSG, but I don't imagine that what the radiologist writes in his report will be different than what he was saying in the room. I've also decided to try to give acupuncture a try. I've read about its positive effect on fertility so I figure it can't hurt. And I'm planning to go next week and enroll at a yoga studio - looking for ways to lower my stress - again can't hurt and gives me an added bonus of getting some extra workouts into my routine. 

In other news today is Q's last day at his sitters house. He's been going there for almost 2 years and I'm sad for it to come to end. He loves going there and get's to play with her little boy whose only 4 months older than Q, but she's ultimately decided to go back to full time work this fall. He is going to start early pre-school week after next and then pre-school in the fall. I'm taking next week off to just hang out with him and give him some time to transition out of going to his sitters. I think he will do really well at school, but I'm worried about how he'll adjust. He's been at his current place so long he probably doesn't remember anything different and he's old enough now to miss things or people so I'll be sad if he's sad that he won't get to see his buddy anymore. Fingers crossed everything goes smooth. 

And so we've picked a path....

So I started this blog because I was having a bad day and just needed to get some thoughts out and I haven't come back to it since. I walk this line of wanting to share and fear of what sharing means and what others will think. My journey of expanding my family is a longer and harder road then I thought it would be and so my goal is to track it here and hopefully find some release from getting things out. Maybe I'll keep this just to myself or maybe I'll advertise it, who knows, but for now it's a place for me to collect my thoughts and track my journey.

Today I am on CD 6 of cycle 14 month 12. So for those of you who are outside the sphere of trying to conceive that means my period started 6 days ago, I have had 14 periods in 1 year and not one positive pregnancy test. My cycles are typically between 24-26 days, so I therefore have had some months with 2 cycles. I have temp'd, used OPK's, started taking pre-natals and folic acid and evening primrose oil. IG starting taking vitamins aimed at male fertility and still nothing. None of it has helped. I've stopped buying pregnancy tests because they are just a waste of money and I can't stomach anymore stark white negative tests. My mind finds that dark space that says I'll never see another positive test again. It's exhausting and frustrating and sad, those days are very very sad. And we so we've decided to move forward with fertility testing. I called my OB GYN last month and have started/scheduled the first round of tests and so far everything is coming back normal which is more devastating then finding something wrong. If everything is normal then how come I'm not pregnant? A diagnosis of unexplained infertility scares me more than anything else because how do you even make a treatment plan for that?

So far I've had 7dpo blood work done - everything is normal. IG had an SA done - everything is "perfect" (nurses words) and on Wednesday I have an HSG scheduled. For those who are not familiar with infertility an HSG is a test in which the Dr will insert dye into my uterus using a catheter  to make sure my tubes are open and that there are no obvious abnormalities with my uterus. I feel 95% confident that everything is going to look fine and I'm 100% confident that this is going to be agonizing to hear. My OB does do some treatment in her office, but I have decided that when this done I'm going to be requesting a referral to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). I really like my OB, she's my favorite by far of all the ones I've had in my life but I need more answers and knowledge then what she can provide. She's not a specialist and her stance has been "we know it works" since I have Q already - but that's not good enough for me anymore. I've waited 14 cycles to seek any type of testing/treatment and I'm ready to move forward. I feel like we've just been stuck in this cycle of taking life 2 weeks at a time. And I know that is going to continue until I get pregnant, but I'm ready to do everything it takes to make that happen.

When we started this journey to expand our family I was so naive. I honestly believed that because it happened so easily the first time that it would happen so easily the next time. I never thought it would be possible to be infertile and didn't even know that a thing called secondary infertility existed. But it does and it looks like I fall into that category. As of right now it looks like I'm headed down the road to unexplained infertility and for me that is so discouraging because if we don't know what is wrong how do we know how to fix it? How do we know how to treat it? How do we know we won't just be throwing are money away on treatments that will get us nowhere? All of this is why I want to see a RE - I know this means more tests and more time and more money, but hopefully it'll also mean more answers and more encouragement and more hope.

This has been a real struggle. It's been hard for me because I feel the shame of infertility, I feel the guilt for disliking every.single.pregnant.lady that I see and that even translates into new tiny babies. I'm having a hard time letting go of the family I imagined in my head - the one with siblings closer in age. One of the hardest things for me is to look at Q and know what an amazing big brother he would be and to feel the disappointment in myself that I haven't been able to give that gift to him. And in the spirit of honesty, it's been hard on our marriage. It's very stressful for us and for me in particular and stress doesn't always manifest itself with me in healthy ways and I get sad or angry and lash out at Q or the dogs or IG and it's hard to go through that cycle for a year and to not know when it might end. So I'm looking for ways to help reduce this in myself, taking time alone, starting back with yoga, mediating and visualizing and looking into counseling because there are just some things we can work through on our own.

I'm not really nervous about the HSG on Wednesday...more annoyed really because it's schedule over a weekly meeting that I lead at work and I have to find someone to cover for me. On top of that I have to figure out what to say about why I'll be late to work. It's not a big deal for me to be out for a Dr's appointment, but my boss always asks if everything is ok and I answer with a yes, but it just feel awkward for me. Especially because he knows I wouldn't normally be out on Wednesday mornings because of the meeting. I'm likely over thinking it, but it makes me uncomfortable regardless. I know I'm silly that I'm more uncomfortable with thought of having to say I'm out for a Dr's appointment then I am with the thought of having dye injected into my uterus. I get that this is not normal, but there you have it.