ER, Fert Reports and Such

Ok so ER was last Thursday and it went pretty well, but hurt a lot worse then I was prepared for. My clinic doesn't put you to sleep just a shot of medicine in the tush that makes you kind of loopy and sleepy, so I felt everything and I mean everything. I felt when he moved the needle in and out and immediately felt cramps when he started to drain the follicles. It felt like the end of my labor with Q and like a never ending contraction with no break in between. I gave birth without pain  medicine folks and I would say this was up there with the pain of end stages of labor. It could've been because I had a few very large follicles not sure if that makes any difference, but I had a few really big ones on the right side.

Today, four days later, I'm still feeling sore and crampy. It's uncomfortable to sit down and stand up and walk around or pee or sneeze or do anything that uses my abdominal muscles. I'm pretty sure I have at least a mild case of OHSS because I really expected this to be wrapped up by Saturday, but on Saturday I was in so much pain I was crying as I went to bed. Today I'm starting to feel closer to normal (not like I have permanent severe stomach ache). I told IG that of all the things I had to go through for this IVF cycle, this part was the worst by far. Walking around in constant pain for days was not fun at all.

So where did we end up? We had 17R of those all 17 were mature and of those 13 fertilized naturally. Last fert report, which was yesterday day 3, there were (7) 8-cell grade 1, (1) 12-cell grade 1, (2) 8-cell grade 2 and (3) 4-cell grade 3 embryos. So they were all still in the game but embryologist said that grades 1 and 2 make babies so we had 10 really still in the running. They don't call on day 4 (today) because they don't even take the embryos out of the incubator, according to the embryologist the embryos "do weird things" on day 4....whatever that means. But if its better for them to stay in then I'm fine not getting a call today. I'm scheduled for a 5 day transfer tomorrow at 10:45am and am still pretty certain we will transfer 2 blasts. We talked last night about the very real possibility of twins as our outcome and are still on the same page that we are ok with the risks and life changes that would be associated with having twins. Although last night it did make me a little sad to think about the fact that twins wouldn't' be able to get as much individualized attention as Q got when he was a baby. But there is of course no guarantee that we will have twins or a singleton for that matter, but I feel good that we have so many healthy embryos still chugging away.

It's so weird to think that there are little pieces of IG and I out there in the world just waiting to grow into our miracle. It's surreal. I was talking to my mom the other day (she's been up to date on this whole journey) and she was talking to me about IG being there for the transfer and said she was happy he would be with me (of course he would be with me) because he should be there when the baby(ies) are conceived and I said mom they are already conceived, that happened the day after they were retrieved.  Sometimes it feels like this whole process seems hard to comprehend for everybody.

I am getting excited for the transfer, worried about the time between transfer and testing and nervous that I went through all this and it might not work. I feel more confident since we were able to get so far with so many good quality embryos and feel lucky for that (of course I guess lots could happen between today and tomorrow). I really feel like we have a good chance of this being successful.

Oh and another note PIO shots haven't been too bad. They don't take long so it's really only like 15 secs of being uncomfortable. We are only doing 1/2ml so there isn't much there for IG to have to push in. I put an ice pack on before hand and a heating pad on afterwards and so far haven't had much soreness. It's not the most enjoyable part of my day, but it's doable so that's a relief because I was worried about how they would go.

Fingers, toes, everything crossed that things go well tomorrow and then I start my two days of bed rest and 8 days of torture till beta.

Retrieval Tomorrow

Ok so I will admit, this did go kind of fast. This last week anyways. So I was wrong. There I said it. Now that that's out of the way...holy crap retrieval is tomorrow! I went in Saturday for another monitoring appointment and had the same number of follicles all growing nicely, lead was 15 and my E2 was 803, so they wanted me back on Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning I go and there are ton more follicles in there, I think there are like 18 or more now and lead is 20. I didn't see my normal RE so I was trying to take a ninja view of the ultrasound but it's so hard to keep it all straight. Lining is just over 10, so RE said we are absolutely 100% ready to go. Triggered last night with Noveral and dude my ass is so sore today. I don't know if it's that extra 1/2 inch on the needle - I'm one of the lucky ones who got 1 1/2 inch needles - or if IG really jammed it in there this time. I'll tell you though when he put that needle in my whole right leg twitched and it feels like he hammer fist punched me in the ass. It's sore to walk on and sore to sit on, can't even wait to do this with PIO every night for who knows how long. And yes it will all be worth it, but I'm allowed a little sympathy.

Took a hpt today and it was positive, which indicates the HCG is in my system so we are go for tomorrow morning at 9:15. I'm super excited and super nervous. Can't wait to actually get it over with and see what we're really working with.

On another note today is joyous day because I don't have to get any shots!

You know that moment when you see someone you know, in a place you don't want to be seen? Yeah that was me yesterday at the lab waiting to get my blood drawn for my appointment. I'm sitting there in the very small waiting room and in walks a mom from Q's school, a mom that I actually know from Q's school, a mom that we've seen a lot of times in a lot of different areas and there she is. And I know that it shouldn't feel shameful or secretive, but I want people to know what we are going through on our own terms. So I tried desperately to hide my face with my hair and text on my phone (thought I was texting IG, turns out I was texting my mom and dad...another fail). The only redeemer in this situation is that she was there for the exact same reason I was. Hopefully that means we will both just pretend that we never saw each other.

At this point there is nothing else to say except I can't wait for it to be tomorrow morning and I feel so hopeful and I want this feeling to last and I want this to be our miracle.

Monitoring Appointment #1

Yesterday I finally had my monitoring appointment. I feel like from everything I've read that my appointments seem a lot less frequent then others, so it makes me nervous. So far for this cycle it's only the second time I've been, baseline was last week and then 5 days later, yesterdays appointment, I was anticipating a lot more appointments than that. Doesn't feel normal, but honestly I don't have any sense of what normal really is.  Regardless, it does seem like things are moving along nicely. I was super anxious because I haven't been feeling anything in my ovaries or uterus or in that general vicinity. I haven't felt bloated or any pain or discomfort (aside from what is there from the shots). Despite not feeling anything there are a good amount follicles growing in there. RE talked through it rather quickly at the ultrasound so going from memory there were 4 or 5 follicles on the right all right around 10 and then another 3 or 4 slightly smaller than that and on the left there were 4 follicles all round 8. RE said everything looks really good, he said that having so many all around the same size indicates to him that they are healthy. Which made feel very relieved. RE told me that mine was the best scan of the morning (and then not to brag about it, but I figure I can do it here...since no one is really around anyways). He followed that up with you don't know me that well yet, but I don't say those types of things haphazardly. So I'm going to take what he says and run with it.

E2 levels came back at 180 yesterday. I was carrying around my phone all afternoon waiting for the call and then of course the one time I stepped away from my desk without it they called. Even though I wouldn't have gotten any different information had I talked to the nurse, for some reason it just makes me feel better to actually talk to them rather than listening to a voice mail. Nurse said the E2 number was really good and to continue my protocol as is (5units of Lupron & 3 vials (225IU) of Bravelle). I go back on Saturday for another E2 test and ultrasound. Right now they are anticipating a Monday or Tuesday trigger with a Wednesday or Thursday retrieval.

Even though we are moving forward and I know when next week gets here I'll feel like it happened fast, right now it still feels like it's moving so slow. I wish I was going back on Friday instead of Saturday because Saturday feels so far away. I'm guessing after that I'll be back on Monday where they will make the call to trigger that day or the day after.

In other news the weather is supposed to be really nice this weekend, which is exciting because Q loves the pool and has been talking for at least 2 months about the big pool opening. So happy that the weather will cooperate for us to go this weekend and I will be there bathing suite and all even if I'm bloated and feeling gross because the joy Q will get it from it is bigger than anything I might be going through. Also, cannot wait for the 3-day weekend, it is so unbelievably needed.

I'm Insane

Literally this process is making me crazy. I know I said this before, but I never thought time could go so slow. I have my next appointment tomorrow morning to check E2 levels and do an ultrasound and this day has felt like an entire week it is moving so slow. Like seriously I still have at least a whole other week to go before the ER. I'm so nervous/anxious/crazy that my stomach is upset, I don't feel like eating and thoughts of concentrating are out the window. I can only focus on this one thing. I don't feel anything yet from the stims, so I have to google that, I start thinking about my AFC so I have to google that, I'm worried about the stim medication I'm taking (cause did I mention I don't feel anything) so I have to google that. I have decided Google and the Internet are evil, evil things and I wish they were never invented. I need a distraction, but unfortunately my job requires me to sit at a computer with the internet at my finger tips all day long. I mean who can resist that type of temptation. Not this girl, that's for sure.

My brain is on constant loop of:

What if I'm not responding?

What if my numbers are bad?

What if they want to cancel my cycle?

What if everything is good?

What if this doesn't work....what if this doesn't work.....what if this doesn't work

I've never felt so stuck in my life. I've never felt so crazy in my life. I've never been so invested in the outcome of anything in my life.

I want to think in terms of this summer when I'm pregnant. On vacation when I'm pregnant. Next fall at our friends wedding when I'm pregnant. Next summer when we have a new baby or babies. Every time I start down that path my brain shuts me down, my emotions shut me down, my heart shuts me down. It feels so risky to hope, to believe that this could actually work. It all feels like a farce. This can't be real life, can it?

I've never been good dealing with the unknown. I plan vacations at least 6 months in advance and I have no control over the schedule of my immediate future. It's making me insane...potentially the hormonal enhancing drugs I'm on have something to do with this crazy feeling, potentially. But turns out knowing that and actually knowing that are two very different things.

This is my journey and I have to accept that. So let me repeat....Peace. Patience. Acceptance. Surrender. Hope. Faith. Love. Intention.

Peace with the situation, it is what it is and being crazy won't change it

Patience with the process, everything has a timeline, which means all things have an ending

Acceptance that this is the journey that I need to take in order to call this child into my life

Surrender to the process, I've done what I can to help my body along, but at this point its out of my hands

Hope that this will have a positive outcome and if not that we still have options in front of us

Faith that this child will come into my life at the exact moment it is supposed to and that this is the exact journey I need to be on at this exact moment in my life

Love unconditional for the family I have and the family that I will have

Intention for the child that will be, we are following a path that very intentionally calls a child into this world, there is no question that this child is wanted and loved

Stims Day 3

Today is my third day of stims and so far....not as easy as I thought. I had my baseline last Thursday and my anterior follicle count was I think around 12 and my E2 level came back at 5. Nurse said they want the number below 80, but man that is really below 80 and of course Dr. Google can't give me any explanation or examples of this being good or bad. I did find that above 80 means that there would be some concern with diminished ovarian reserve, so does that mean my reserve is really good? Feels like it just means I have a longer way to go to get to an acceptable number with stims, but I have no control over this, my body either will or will not respond to the medicine and since this is our first time through it there is no way to tell until there is more blood work and ultrasounds. Patience.

At the baseline appointment Dr. Williams decided to up my dose to 3 vials (225 IU) daily of Bravelle starting Saturday instead of doing the first 3 days with only 2 vials (150 IU). So I've been doing 1 vial in the morning and 2 and in the evening. Stims are definitely a little harder than the Lupron. I starting doing the Lupron in my legs just to give my belly a bit of a break and so far that has been going pretty good, all though this morning I did get a bleeder, but the 5 units is super easy, it's such a small amount of medicine. It is much harder to do the Bravelle with an actual syringe instead of the insulin syringes. It's hard to manage the needle, switch hands and stuff and then it's harder to push it in because it's an actual syringe and there is a lot more medicine then with the Lupron. Plus, the medicine stings going in, so the needle won't hurt going in, but as soon as I start injecting the medicine it starts stinging so that's not a lot of fun. And the areas where it goes are a lot more sore, I'm guessing because the needle is in there for a longer period of time because it takes longer to get the medicine in. Overall, it's a little harder than I thought it would be. I tried to do the stims like the Lupron at first and that was a mistake, definitely can't do it one handed and I had to learn that lesson with a very sore spot on my belly. Which in turn limits my places even more.

Next appointment is Wednesday morning and I'm anxiously awaiting it, can't wait to see how I am responding to the medicine. I've already starting getting head aches and hot flashes, but haven't felt too bloated yet (my pants still fit comfortably, but my belly does look a little bigger). I don't feel anything happening in there so that makes me anxious about nothing happening.

If everything is moving along like it should then ER should be next week. Here's hoping that Wednesday gets here fast and that things are going in the right direction.

No but seriously...

The waiting is the worst part, the absolute worst part. I'm not sure how it is possible for time to slow down so much, like it feels like it's basically stopped. And I'm not talking about the 2WW folks, I'm still just waiting to start stims and then waiting for the ER. I have finished with the birth control and now I"m just doing Lupron every morning and I keep trying to tell myself one more week, then 10 more days (hoping I only stim for 10 days) because that sounds better than 17 or more days before ER. That feels like a lifetime. Almost an entire month left to go! So I think one more week, then 10 more days. Hoping that after this week ends those 10 days will fly by. I have a Dr's appointment this Thursday to check E2 levels and do an ultrasound and then start stims on Saturday. I.Just.Need.To.Make.It.To.Saturday....without going crazy.

It feels like the second week of the 2WW. I'm completely distracted at work, I can't concentrate, I look at the calendar and message boards multiple times a day, like that will make time go faster. And to top things off, this week is going to be less crazy then a typical week because Q is done with every activity except soccer at this point. So that means I only have to run around like a crazy person today and then I have nothing else to distract me for the rest of the week.

I don't think I would be remiss to say that the waiting is the worst part. It's worse then the shots, its worse then the idea of that 1&1/2 needle going into my ass, it's worse than worrying about the amount and quality of eggs or what the retrieval will be like. Because it's waiting and waiting for all of that to happen while feeling like I'm accomplishing nothing, without knowing if things are on track or what the schedule will be. And obsessing over the timeline every second of the day just makes the day go slower. But I don't know how to stop my mind, obviously. Just one more week and then 10 more days....I can do it.

Done....

With mandatory counselling session

With the injection class, I now know how to mix the Bravelle and what to expect with PIO

With birth control pills

7 more days until ultrasound and blood work

9 more days until stims

.......waiting, waiting, waiting.

Making Progress...

2 more days of birth control.

1 more day until our injection class.

10 more days until the first baseline ultrasound and blood work.

12 more days  until starting stims.

15 more days until increasing stims.

~23 more days before egg retrieval.

~28 more days before embryo transfer.

I have been on Lupron for 6 days now and so far, not too bad. The first day I was super nervous to give myself the shot. Shaking before and shaking after. But honestly the amount and length of pain is about the same as plucking an eyebrow, so I can handle this. And then on Saturday I was like this doesn't even hurt, I must becoming an expert...spoken too soon. This morning and Sunday both, shots were a little more painful and both of them bled (I wasn't bleeding before then). And today I notice a tiny bruise where I did my shot this morning. Not sure if I'm just repeating or potentially too close to already used locations or if I'm holding the needle different or what. It's so hard to tell (well not today's injection site) where the injection sites are because prior to this they've been super tiny red dots that I really have to search for. I guess over the course of the next few weeks I'll figure out which locations are better, for example the one farther down on my belly seemed to hurt worse then if I stayed closer to the more fatty tissue.  Or maybe I need to start marking the spots with a band aid, even if I'm not bleeding, just so I can know which areas to avoid.

Side effects haven't been too bad, had a headache yesterday but that could've been related to the busy weekend. No hot flashes yet, but I would assume they are coming as this was my most intense side effect with clomid and no increased urination or anything like that. I am starting to experience some constipation......TMI WARNING...skip down if you don't want to read about poop........I'm fairly regular, unless there is some big change in my schedule, for some reason that seems to impact me. But the past few days I've been pretty backed up. Took three days of lots of effort to finally poop on Saturday and I didn't fully realize how heavy my belly felt until I was able to get it out. Haven't had another BM since then, so asked IG to get me some colace today....looks like I'm going to need it. I've been trying to increase fiber naturally in my diet as well, like eating more bran and making sure to increase the amount of green vegetables and my daily intake of water. But if every three days I have to go through what I went through on Saturday this is going to be an exhausting next few weeks. Not to say it's not worth it, but man I didn't think it would kick in so soon.

I know that things will start to move along, but still feel like we are just chugging along. I scheduled it out so that we have/have had an appointment, for various things, at least once a week. Makes me feel like things are moving along. Funny how before all this I would've been annoyed to have to go to the Dr once a week. Annoyed to what it would do to my schedule. Now I'm anxious for the interruption in schedule. Last week we had our mandatory counseling session.  Felt pretty standard and cookie cutter (this is required by my clinic for anyone undergoing IVF...not sure if it's the same everywhere). The counselor basically asked for our "story", then sympathized with us, asked us who we had to lean for support, asked us how we felt about twins, talked about the injections and the retrieval and the transfer, talked about the 2WW and how long it seems and asked us if we've thought about what to do with our embryos if we have enough to freeze some. She also answered the phone twice, once her cell phone which she excused herself to the hallway and once her office phone. Felt like she was distracted and really only going through the motions. We didn't even use up the full hour. So not really sure I would reach back out to her again if I felt like I needed to talk to someone, but I don't really feel like I do so who knows.

Tomorrow night we have our injection class. It lasts for two hours in the evening so my Mom is coming down to stay to Q, make him dinner, etc. And then next week we have the first of however many ultrasound and blood work appointments. I think at that point things will really start to pick up. Two days after that  appointment we start stims. Which is also the same day as Race for the Cure, which is something we do every year. I have family coming to stay with us, so hopefully going from 1 injection a day to 3 will be a smooth transition because we have a lot going on that weekend. And then really from that point it's just another 10 or so days until the retrieval.

IG and I have decided that if we have the choice we will put back 2 embryos. Even though I'm sure the RE will recommend to only go for one. But we've discussed it and we are comfortable with the possibility of twins and if we put back 1 and it doesn't take, I'll feel like I didn't do everything I could have. And really I'd rather go this once and end up with 2, then go through this twice to end up with 1. I'm trying not to think much about how many eggs are retrieved or fertilized, because at this point there isn't anything additional I can do about it. In addition to PNV, I've been taking Vitamin D, CoQ10, Folic Acid and Melatonin. I've been working on changing my diet and removing all plastic from my kitchen as well as trying to limit my exposure to Phthalates. So really I'm just trying to relax and ride the ride without stressing too much, because I'm doing what I can and the rest is out of my hands.

We've been making progress with our IVF cycle, but I also think I've been making a lot of emotional progress. This past weekend was a big one for me. My best friend from childhood had her baby shower this weekend and another of our childhood friends had a baby this weekend. I was able to attend the shower, where there was an adorable 3 month old baby, and not feel bad about it. I was able to be excited for my friend and excited to hold and play with the baby. I didn't feel guarded or sad or upset by any of it. I was also able to visit my other friend in the hospital and meet her brand new baby girl. It felt precious to be there and hold that tiny baby and I felt happy to see her and her husband revel in the joy of their new baby. My friend and I visited her together and as we were leaving the hospital, I told my her that seeing and holding that baby made my uterus ache, but not in the I'm gonna go home and hide under the sheets and cry way, but in a I can't wait to do this again way. And that's progress and I think it's important to recognize that. Later that night I went to yoga and felt more open to the practice then almost any other time before. I felt happy and content and satisfied, even though I had just spend the weekend surrounded by things that I don't have and desperately want. For the first time since starting this journey I was truly able to participate in others joys without feeling overwhelmed by my own sorrow. They say in spirituality that you are truly done with something when it no longer effects you. I'm not sure I'm 100% there yet, but I feel like I just got a whole lot closer.

Let's Get This Party Started

We are finally into our first IVF cycle and even though we are on the road it still feels like we are moving at an impossibly slow pace. I am on day 12 of birth control pills and start Lupron injections on Wednesday. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I'm excited to get started and starting the Lupron feels like an actual start, but I'm nervous about all this not working. My prevailing thought is that this has a greater chance of working than not working....I'm just trying to hold onto that thought.

Here's how our schedule lines up so far: 

• April 15: CD 1
• April 17: Start BCP and antibiotics
• April 21: RE appointment to get calendar and have mock transfer
• April 23: Last antibiotic
• April 25: Meds delivered - Lupron, Bravelle, PIO, Novarel, Minocin, Zofran - plus 165 needles, plus a prescription for Xanax to be filled
• April 30: Start Lupron 10 units every morning
• May 1: Mandatory IVF counselling session
• May 6: Mandatory injection class
• May 7: Last BCP
• May 8-10: Potential period start
• May 15: Baseline B/W and ultrasound
• May 17: Decrease Lupron to 5 units, start Bravelle - 1 vial in the morning & evening
• May 20: Increase Bravelle to 2 vials in the evening
• May 21: B/W and ultrasound
• May 22-26: Possible B/W and ultrasounds, to be scheduled on demand
• May 28: Probable ER - Start POI
• June 2: Probable ET
• June 11: Probable Beta

Of course dates there towards the end are subject to change based on how I'm responding to the medicine, so really May 15 onward it's on demand scheduling. I was told to expect to take day of retrieval and following day off, as well as, bed rest day of and after transfer. I plan to take the entire 5-7 days off work depending on how the schedule works out. I think that will just be easier to manage. 

It's hard to imagine that we are here and when I really sit down and think about it I can't believe we are to this point. This past weekend my brother and sister-in-law came to visit with their kids and I was explaining to my SIL all the medicine I had and what the schedule looked like etc and my nephew said to me "What do you have cancer or something?" And he's right there is so much to this whole process, Dr appointments, medicines, injections and treatments. I know it's been said before in this community, but I think others really don't truly understand that this is in fact a major medical event that is happening in my life. And I am by no means comparing my infertility to cancer, this is of course not life threatening. That being said it doesn't make it any less medically impactful to my life. 

I also just want to take a moment and state how grateful I am for the insurance coverage that I have. My insurance hasn't also been the easiest to work with and has processed the large majority of my claims incorrectly. I've spent a lot of time on the phone with them battling about deductibles and what is and isn't covered by my plan. But for IVF the coverage is really amazing and I have to take a moment and feel the gratitude I have for that. For this IVF cycle we've had to pay less than a thousand dollars out of pocket ($638 to the RE, $23 for B/W, $175 frozen sperm sample, $30 for non-specialty prescriptions and $120 for medication). I know a lot of couples going through this have no or limited coverage and I can't imagine having to make that decision between perusing treatment or not because of the financial impact. That shouldn't even have to be a factor. So while I may have complained about my insurance, and they certainly have caused me heartburn in the past, I am nothing but grateful for the coverage that is provided by my employer and my insurance. 

Gratitude Journal #4

Today.....I am grateful for my insurance coverage and the job that provides it for me.

I am grateful for the joy that Q has brought to my life.

I am grateful that it is not raining.

I am grateful for my ability to analyze, organize and procrastinate.

I am grateful that today was warm enough that I could wear a skirt.

I am grateful that we have the means and ability to do IVF.

I am grateful for the information I have gained from the book I'm reading.

I am grateful for the practice of yoga and the calm and peace it has brought into my life.

Waiting Just Plain Sucks

It's been awhile since I've been around so for a quick catch up...IUI #3 was a bust (which I completely expected - I'm not even sure we got the timing right), therefore we started moving forward with our first IVF cycle, which included taking a 1 month break. RE wanted a few months break, but I barely have any patience left and waiting 1 month has been a killer. I can NOT imagine doing this for a few months. I will say it was worth it in terms of having time to figure out insurance coverage, get our bloodwork done and IG had to freeze a sample. All of that is now done. All that is left is the waiting. My period should start sometime over the next week and I'm dying for it to start. Funny how that's the exact opposite of the last two years where I was hoping/praying for it not to start. 

We have our prescriptions for the birth control and the antibiotics and will likely do 21 days of BCP before starting Lupron. So not only do I have to wait for this period to start, I have to wait 21 more days before starting anything real. I understand it and I get that it's the protocol and I know everyone going through IVF goes through some form of this same schedule, but dang it, it's hard. Like always, I do ok for the first couple of weeks and then the last week just drags and drags. Maybe after starting birth control I will be able to relax. Assuming my subconscious lets me, because there is nothing I can do for the next 3 weeks but take the pills and wait for the next step to start. It'll be interesting to see what it's like to be back on birth control, I've been off since before Q was born (obviously) so that's about 5 years at this point. I used to take the lowest dose, the mini pills, because it would make me so sick and so crazy. That is not what I got a prescription for so this should be interesting. 

I'm so anxious for this process to move forward that I created an excel calendar with project dates of when I think everything will happen. I won't get my calendar from the RE until my period starts, but I'm such a planner I couldn't help myself. Right now we are looking at ER and ET somewhere near the end of May. Which really isn't that far away, but feels like it might as well be next year at this point. I'm also starting to get seriously nervous about everything going ok. What if I don't respond to the medicine? What if we don't get a lot of eggs? What if none of them fertilize? What if they do fertilize, but all of the arrest? What if we do end up with beautiful embryos and this whole thing still doesn't work? I am already going crazy. 

I know I will be devastated if this doesn't work. And I know there is just as much chance it won't work that it will. I don't know how to prepare myself for that. I look at Q and feel this indescribable emotion, it is beyond love it is something that transcends love and I can't picture a world where I don't get to feel that again. He's started asking me a lot about babies and will randomly ask me if there is a baby in my belly or where his brother is and each of those questions breaks a little piece of my heart. I'm failing my precious little boy and it's chipping away at my heart. 

I started with a summary so I'll wrap it up with a summary: 

I'm anxious

I'm excited

I'm scared shitless

I'm hopeful

I'm crazy

and I'm desperately trying to focus on a positive outcome. 

Continuing the journey

Well it looks like this latest IUI is a BFN. I haven't taken any tests yet, but did get some dark brown CM over the weekend, which is usually a good indicator that my period is a few days away - which would be right on schedule with this IUI. So I'm expecting my period to start sometime this week. I'm trying to process the fact that another cycle has failed. You would think it would get easier after 23 cycles and 23 failures, but that's not how it seems to work. I haven't cried yet, maybe there is still some part of me that is holding out hope that there is still a chance for a BFP, even though I know that really isn't likely. And there is a part of me that is just ready for this to be over to move forward to IVF. Which honestly I've felt all along would be the only way we would achieve success. But it still sucks to be here, it still sucks not to be one of the lucky ones with IUI, it still sucks that it was so easy to conceive Q and that for no discernible reason so hard this time. It. Still. Sucks. It hurts and it's hard and it's sad and disappointing and scary.

I have two baby showers coming up in the very near future. For friends that I've had for nearly my entire life. And my heart sinks just thinking about it. And I know that both of these events will be exhausting for me and I know that it's neither of these women's fault that I'm in the situation that I'm in, but still there is a part of me that is resentful. I have been trying to get pregnant for a whole year before they were pregnant and now both of them will have babies before I even have a pregnancy. One of the things that is often talked about in my yoga classes is the idea of focusing on yourself and your mat and not comparing yourself to others. Because their abilities and strengths might not be the same as your abilities and strengths. But it is so hard to take that and translate it into real life. How can I not compare my inadequacies to someone else's easy success. And I know that there are things in my life that I have that others are praying for, just as there is this thing in my life that others have that I am praying for. But knowing any or all of that doesn't make this any easier. I know that someday I will look back at this struggle it will be a blip on the radar of my life, but right now it feels all consuming and never ending. It feels insurmountable.

Anyways the next step in our journey is as follows; take the next month off and complete all testing required for IVF, complete paperwork, determine insurance coverage and deposit required in order to move forward after my cycle starts in April. From our initial consult it looks like we will do 21 days of BCP and then start Lupron (dose unknown at this point as waiting on CD3 bloodwork) and then about a weeks of stims. With that schedule, assuming my period starts this week and then again in 28 days (which is a conservative estimate, usually 26 days) we are looking at ER and ET somewhere in the last two weeks of May. I have such mixed emotions about starting IVF. I'm excited because I know it significantly increases our chances of getting pregnant and I feel good about our personal chances of success. But I'm scared out of my mind about everything involved and the intense ride that it appears to be. I'm not excited to put my body through all the craziness and I get sick to my stomach thinking about failure. I honestly don't know how I'll handle an IVF failure and that scares me. It feels like such a big investment and not just from a financial standpoint, but from an emotional and physical standpoint. And what if that investment doesn't turn out to be fruitful?

I've mostly taken a silent journey when dealing with infertility. A few friends and family members know what we are going through, but I don't talk about it often. It's just not me. IG and I barely even talk about it, even though I know we are both processing it. Sometimes I think this would be so much easier if I had a community to fall back on, but I just can't seem to reach out. Something holds me back. So for me this has been one of the loneliest times of my life. I feel like no one truly understands what I'm going through. What it feels like to have your body utterly fail you and to not have any answers as to why. I try to imagine our life as a family of three and it breaks my heart. I know I'm not ready to give up yet and that there are still things to try, but I'm starting to get frustrated with the timeline. Nearly 2 years of trying, nearly 1 year of treatment and not a single positive pregnancy test.

I've felt for a very long time that IVF was going to be the thing that was going to work for us. Somewhere along the line I've lost that positivity and I need to find it again, because the odds are greatly in our favor for this. And if the first round doesn't work then we will learn from it and continue to move forward. I knew this was going to be hard, but I could have never imagined.

Still Around

I haven't posted here in awhile, but I'm still around and still not pregnant. IUI #2.1 was a BFN and both IG and I took this one really hard. We both felt very optimistic this time around and I would have to say this was the hardest BFN to date. It was especially frustrating because my period was late (is this normal for IUI's?) by like 4 days.Every failure has been heartbreaking, but for some reason this one was worst than the others. I did break down and buy some FRER's and it is unbelievable the amount of anxiety I feel now every time I take a test. And it's the complete opposite of the type of anxiety I would've felt in my earlier life, which was anxiety over it being positive and now I have anxiety over it being negative. Like a serious sweaty, shaky mess waiting for the longest 3 minutes every to elapse. Which probably isn't healthy, but I've never been good at controlling my nerves. And this last failure has put me into a really negative head space, like I just don't feel like anything will work because both times our numbers have been good and it doesn't seem to matter. I know I need to think positive and I know that there is always (regardless of size) a chance that this month will be the month, but it's hard to stay positive after 22 failures in a row. It takes it's toll, you know?

So next steps are IUI #3, which is consequently tomorrow.  This is later than all my other IUI's. I went in on CD 9, same as last two attempts, only to see next to nothing happening in there. There was only 1 follicle of any significance and that was at 14mm- this was on Friday so triggered last night and will have IUI tomorrow morning. Which is an absolute bitch with my work schedule, Wednesday mornings are the mornings that are like crucial for me to be at work because I run a status meeting presented to my entire program and asking someone to cover it is a real pain. Especially asking someone to cover it without going into much detail around why I need them to cover it. But I'll make it work, because I have to and I don't want to miss the entire month because of 1 stupid meeting.

At first I didn't even want to go forward with a third IUI, I was convinced it would be a wast of time and money (maybe I'll be wrong, maybe I won't), so I initially called in and asked if we could move onto something more aggressive.Apparently that requires a consult with the RE and apparently he books those weeks in advance. So I immediately scheduled the consult, which was today, and agreed to move forward with the IUI cycle. Yeah a lot has happened since the last time I posted here, but I think the break did me good. I felt sadder for a lot longer this time around and I needed the space and time to feel that and deal with it and move on.

So IFV consult was today and we were all in agreement that if this doesn't work then next step is IVF, we also agreed that a lap surgery, while might give us some answers, wouldn't really be fruitful. Assuming the lap comes back positive, I'm not sure we would do anything to treat what is found there as IVF bypasses most areas impacted by endo. And in my opinion it just adds additional time into our timeline. And the RE thinks there is only about a 15% chance that the lap would come back positive anyways, so with those odds I say move forward. RE was pushing for a two month break between this IUI and IVF because he said sometimes the body bounces back after re-setting from all the fertility drugs and people have gotten pregnant during those types of breaks. July marks two years of trying for us, so I really wasn't interested in wasting anymore time, but I did agree to a one month break in between. With that schedule we are looking at mid-late May for egg retrieval and egg transfer. Nurse is getting my IVF packet ready so that I can start filling out all the necessary paperwork and get all the necessary blood work. The RE gave us an estimate of about $11,000 all in per IVF cycle. Luckily my insurance will cover at least 80% of that (100% as soon as I meet the out of pocket maximum, which I should after this first cycle). I'm not sure however if they will cover the estimated $3,000 to $3,500 for meds. They didn't cover my trigger shots, so who knows, but I'll have time to figure it all out before we get started. We are fortunate enough to not only have insurance coverage, but to also be in a pretty financially stable point in our lives, so while it will suck to pay that mount of money it won't bankrupt us.

That's where we are. I'm nervous about IVF and don't want to have to do it, but I'm not optimistic that this last IUI or a break cycle will get me anywhere. Universe feel free to prove me wrong at anytime.

IUI #2.1

As planned we had IUI #2.1 on Friday morning. This weekend was also my birthday so I was busy with doing a little of all of my favorite things and haven't had a chance to update on the IUI yet. This IUI felt different than the last one, in that I woke up Friday morning feeling definite pain/discomfort in my ovaries and even radiating around through my back. I'm hoping this is a sign that our timing was good this time and hoping that was the feeling of the follicles releasing the eggs. Last time on the day of IUI I felt nothing, felt like ovulation had already past. Our counts were a bit lower, only 35mil post wash this time (we had 50mil last time), I don't remember the motility, but RE said everything was good. I did have one more follicle than I did last time so sperm was lower but targets where higher - so maybe our odds are about the same?

The actual IUI went off without issue. IG was there with me this time, first time he's been to any of my RE appointments, but since it was a weekday we were able to drop Q off at school and head there after. IG thought Dr. Williams was a little odd, which he is, but if he gets us pregnant I don't care how odd he is. Dr. Williams was giving the "guys" a pep talk while injecting them. IG thought this was very weird, but hey I'd rather have a room filled with positive energy, so I didn't mind the cheering. As before, I didn't have any cramping or discomfort related to the IUI. I did continue to have pain in my ovaries and back throughout the day, I just kept thinking that was a good sign. We also were able to have sex that night, so we got another couple million guys in there. 

Dr. Williams said if this doesn't work we will talk about what we do next, IUI or not. My RE's office only does 6 rounds of clommid (I think this is pretty standard). I've only done 5, because I only did two clomid + TI cycles before asking them if I could move onto IUI. However, my RE's office isn't good with details like that and I think they think I've already done 6 rounds of clomid. I don't have any refills on my prescription and they can't remember that I didn't follow the normal path. I'm not that worried about, because while clomid hasn't been bad for me (side effects wise) if this doesn't work, I'd rather move on to a different protocol then keep spinning our wheels on something that isn't successful. 

So I'm officially in the 2WW. Doing B/W this Friday to test progesterone and then really would be able to find out on Valentine's day. All though I think I'm AF or bust so I don't think I'll test until AF is officially, officially late which would be like 2/17 or after. I don't have any tests in the house so that helps with this goal. Like I said before if the timing was ever good for us this would be it, having the IUI on my birthday weekend and being able to end the 2WW on Valentine's day, just seems to perfect to be anything but a positive outcome. 

In the meantime I'm keeping fingers, toes and everything else crossed. 

Status Report

So went in today for monitoring appointment and we are all good to trigger tonight!! I'm so glad I called and had the appointment moved from tomorrow to today, I had a +OPK yesterday and today and there were 3 good follies in there, 1 on the right (which I was surprised because I've been feeling everything on the left) and 2 on the left. The cyst that was on the right side at baseline is almost completely gone. Lining was 8mm. So we will trigger tonight, do the deed and IUI #2 is scheduled for Friday morning 9am.

Please keep all fingers and toes and anything else crossed. RE and nurse were very positive and optimistic, which makes me very positive and hopeful. And plus like I said before this weekend is my birthday and my 2WW will end on Valentine's day, so this has got to be our month right? Everything seems to be aligned.

Today I am grateful that my body is back on track and that we have 3 targets to hit for this IUI.

I am grateful for my ability to listen to my body and to have the drive to do what I think is right for my body.

I am grateful for my body's ability to re-set itself.

Status Report

This cycle is chugging along, I'm on what I consider cycle day 9.  Like my first IUI cycle, RE's office is counting this as day 8 because my period started late in the day for day 1, late being 4:30pm. I have no problem with them tracking it that way, but my cycles happen rapid fire and I feel like last IUI when I went on RE's CD 10 (my 9), it was a little too late. I had already gotten a positive OPK and my follies were really large. So I was originally scheduled to do my next ultrasound on Thursday, but called today and asked for it to be changed to tomorrow, because I'd rather be early and wait an extra day to trigger than be too late. I can't handle another month of missing out. I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating on the left side based on what I've been feeling. All though for the third month in a row my ovulation pain seems to be a lot less than what it normally is so that has me a little worried. Another reason why I'm ready to get back in there and see how things are going. 

If things keep on track then IUI should be sometime this weekend, which also happens to be when by birthday occurs. I'm taking this as a very good sign. It would be the best present ever. 

Gratitude Journal #3

Today....I am grateful for heated seats and 4 wheel drive in my vehicle.

I am grateful for the time spent playing with Q over the weekend in the snow.

I am grateful for my job. It helps to pay the bills and allows us to give Q what he needs.

I am grateful that my body seems to be back on track this cycle.

I am grateful that I get to karate tonight with Q and witness the pure joy he has for kicking and hitting things.

I am grateful that I had $3 in my wallet to buy a chia tea this morning.

I am grateful for winter and even these unbelievable cold temperatures because it make me appreciate spring more.

I am grateful for my parents who are willing to come this weekend so that IG can go with me to the IUI appointment.

I am grateful that in a few days I will celebrate another year of life that I've gotten to spend with the ones I love.

Baseline

Had my baseline ultrasound today for IUI #2.1 and the large cyst on my left side seems to have resolved itself, but there now appears to be a cyst on my right side measuring about 20mm. However, RE feels like this is likely residual from my cycle that just ended. He also guessed that I didn't ovulate for the last two cycles and that's why my period has been so wacky.  He thinks Dr. Schmidt was wrong 2 cycles ago and that I hadn't actually ovulated yet, but since my period started so soon after surmised that I likely didn't ovulate at all, even though I had taken clomid.

We decided to up to the clomid dose this time from 50mg to 100mg, even though I've previously gotten good response on just 50mg of clomid, because of the last two cycles. I had 1 refill left of clomid and in anticipation of this appointment sent it in to be refilled, knowing that if the baseline was good that I'd be starting clomid today. With that the RE gave me a prescription today for 5 more pills at 50mg so that I could take two a day. Well stupid insurance denied the claim for the second prescription because it was 1 day after refilling the exact same medicine and dosage. Which is stupid because it's a separate prescription, but whatever I've done nothing but battle the insurance company since we starting this process so why should this be any different. So I left the pharmacy with 5 pills today and will hopefully go back tomorrow for the remaining 5 pills.

I'm scheduled next Thursday for my mid-cycle ultrasound and if all stays on track we are looking at IUI next weekend. Hopefully the increased clomid will produce at least 3 strong follicles and we can have another good IUI. Fingers crossed.

And of course had to wear some awesome socks today for the appointment.

All about Q

When I started this blog I never intended it to be fully focused on my fertility issues and journey. In fact, I started it before I knew for certain that I was facing fertility issues, I did however have a feeling that it was the path we were on, long before testing or treatment. Infertility and everything that comes along with it has certainly consumed a large portion of what my life is now, but it is by no means my entire life and the rest of all that life seems to get lost here. So this post is all about Q, because he is honestly my entire life and the light and joy that keeps me going everyday.

Where to even begin? I know all parents say things like this, but Q is the most amazing little person I've ever known. He is smart, he is funny, he is caring, he is sensitive,  he is loud, he is energetic, he is competitive, he is overly social, he is weird, he is creative and the list could go on and on. One thing he most definitely is, is a Mama's boy. It's gotten better as he's gotten a little older, but there is no doubt about it, he prefers Mama above all else. When he was younger this was very exhausting, now as I see it starting to slowly slip away it makes me sad. His comfort zone is sucking his thumb and sticking his hand in my armpit. (I did mention in the above list that he is weird, so consider that fair warning.) He's done this since he was able to consciously direct movement of his hands and arms. I nursed Q for 14 months and I think it all stems from that, because in nursing him there was always one arm/hand tucked under my arm.

At 3 (and nearly a half) years old, Q is super into puzzles and Pinocchio and playing games and Wii sports resort and swimming and writing letters and the color yellow and sleeping with Eeyore and Reese's cups and racing and bowling and working in the kitchen and making up words and face-timing with Grandma and Grandpa. He loves to play with other kids, especially kids older than him. And he loves to talk to everyone, all strangers included. He's always interested in whether I'm happy and asks me often and has recently started telling me he does certain things because he loves me. For example, I'll ask him why he likes to sleep in bed with me and he'll respond "because I love you".

He is always happy and has the best smile in the world. He loves to be funny and make others laugh. He is ridiculously athletically inclined, seriously this kids has ab muscles like you wouldn't believe.

He has changed my life for the better from the moment he was a second line on a pregnancy test. I am by no means a perfect mother, but Q makes me a better person every day. He reminds me to slow down, to get down on the floor and play a game, to let the laundry sit another day, to cherish the moments laying with him right before he falls asleep as he's snuggled right up against my body. The pure joy he experiences with every little thing we do helps me to see the joy in those little things. No matter what I will always be grateful that I was the one lucky enough to be chosen as Q's Mom.

And now for fun I leave you with a few pictures of the most amazing little boy I know.

For the second time in January....

I'm cycling again, with mixed emotions. I'm excited that my period has started and I'm ready to get back to the RE and get moving again, but this cycle was only 20 days long and last cycle was 18. Feels like something odd is going on. On top of that I've been spotting on and off since day 8 this cycle and had some bleeding after sex (which sometimes happens, sometimes not), but maybe all of it together might be giving us picture. I hope so, I really hope this will help lead us to change in protocol that will lead us to a pregnancy. My period started full force yesterday late afternoon, after spotting all day, the nurse at my RE wants to count today as day 1 since full flow didn't start till somewhere around 4:30 yesterday. Whatever, works for me. Oh and did I mention that my flow is heavy, like heavy heavy, like soaking a super tampon every hour and half heavy. I'm scheduled back at the RE on Thursday at 9:45am for a baseline ultrasound and to talk through all this junk. Two cycles in 38 days, I think my body might be trying tell me something.

Gratitude Journal #2

Today I am grateful for the 75mins of yoga this morning that helped to quiet my mind.

I am grateful for the lesson in yoga that infinite patience results in immediate gratification (it's amazing how perfect it fits my situation).

I am grateful that after two days of stomach pain my belly finally feels better.

I am grateful for a full nights sleep last night.

I am grateful for the 15mins of snuggles that I had with Q this morning in bed before the day started.

I am grateful that Q's school offers a parent's night out so that IG and I can go see a movie tonight.

I am grateful for my dogs, who are always there to stick their heads in my lap even when I don't want it.

Gratitude Journal

I was a huge Oprah fan or rather I still am a huge Oprah fan, but I was a religious watcher of the Oprah Winfrey show.  I used to DVR it and when I was on maternity leave and at home alone for 12 hours a day with newborn, it always felt like my adult hour. She was the only daytime talk show I watched regularly. Anyways a few years back Oprah talked about keeping a gratitude journal and writing in it everyday the things you are grateful for. I can't remember the deeper lesson behind the gratitude journal, I mean obviously it helps you to focus on the things that are good right now in your life, but I think there was some deeper lesson behind it all.

Anyways, lately I find myself so consumed by my journey with SIF that I feel like I can't think of anything else. I think I only have one week a month where I don't feel totally consumed by this and that's usually my fertile week where I've moved out of feeling disappointed and sad that another cycle has ended with AF and into feeling hopeful that maybe something will finally work. But then I move into the 2WW and I'm consumed all over again. I have a hard time concentrating at work and a lot of the time just feel like I'm gong through the motions in the evenings with Q. And then I feel so guilty for not cherishing what I have. 

So I was thinking about the things I am grateful for and thought maybe some form of a gratitude journal would help take my mind out of the dark place IF takes it for the majority of my month. 

I am grateful for the beautiful, funny, caring, loving son that I already have. 

I am grateful for a body that woke up and functioned to the best of it's ability today. 

I am grateful for a husband that will do pick up and dinner tonight so that I can go to a spin class. 

I am grateful that we have the insurance coverage and financial stability to seek treatment. 

I am grateful that I sit in an office with windows.

I am grateful that I have music to help get me through the day. 

Well this has been fun

The last two cycles have been a cluster to say the least. Last post I wrote about how IUI #2 was cancelled because the RE thought we had already missed ovulation...but I just couldn't believe it. I mean if I had tracked my period correctly (which I don't think I did) the ultrasound was day 10, if my period truly started on 12/13 then the ultrasound was day 6. How is it possible to ovulate prior to day 10, not to mention day 6. It just didn't make sense. Well must have been the case because AF was here again on 12/31 - Happy New Year to me!!!! Do the math there are only 18 days between periods. Now that's a short cycle, that's got to be an indication of something right? I haven't had a chance to discuss with the RE because I haven't been back since that botched ultrasound. 

If things over the holidays would've gone better then I would've gone in on Jan. 3 for a baseline ultrasound, but sadly and still shockingly my Grandmother passed away on Jan. 2 and I was out of town and couldn't/wouldn't/didn't even think about making my RE appointment. My sweet Grandma went into the hospital the day after Christmas and everyone was fully expecting her to be out by New Years...how fast things went in just over week is so shocking. We still had unwrapped presents for her under the Christmas tree. In addition to that Q had the flu for Christmas, came home Monday from school with a fever, visit to the Pediatrician on Christmas Eve and spent Christmas crying, whining, laying on the couch, generally miserable. He was sick for the entire week. In addition to that we had a major, major issue at work, requiring me to come in on my time off and even work on New Year's day. So while I was at work my Grandma was moved to hospice and I couldn't leave until the next afternoon to go see her, missing the last awake moments I could have had with her. I think it might be possible that the stress of all that brought on an early period...but who really knows these days. 

My Mom told me that at one point my Grandma told her that she was seeing little barefoot babies walking around, I asked Grandma if one of them was for me and if she saw them again could she send one my way because I've been trying really hard for one and that I had a lot of love for that little baby already. I know she is at peace and I'm happy to have another person up there on my side, but the finality of death never seems real to me. I have such a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that she really isn't here anymore. And on top of that I'm so sad, unbelievable sad that infertility robbed me of the opportunity to see her with another baby. That woman loved babies almost more than anything else and my son was the first great-grand child that she got to spend a significant amount of time with. The joy he brought her these last three years was a blessing and I wanted so bad to be able to do that again. She had said that she thought Q was the love of her life, she loved that little boy so much. She told me at the time I was pregnant with Q that she now had something to live for, maybe if I could've given her something else to live for she would still be here. But I couldn't. And now she's not here. And it's so unfair. If I would've gotten pregnant as easily as I didn't with Q then I would have a nearly 1 year old baby already. I hope she's up there pulling for me, I know she is and hopefully she will send me a special soul to love. 

So this cycle we are completely un-medicated since I couldn't make it for my baseline appointment. We are trying on our own, but I haven't felt like I've ovulated this cycle at all and I'm not at all hopeful. I feel like we've just lost more time basically being on hold these last two months. Two months feel like such a precious amount of time. This journey has felt like a million steps back and never one step forward and it's definitely starting to take its toll. I feel unbelievably out of control, I feel sad all the time, I snap at my  husband and my son and my dogs because I can't take out my anger or my hurt on my own stupid body and I don't know where else to put it. I feel so alone and hopeless and lost. 

And add to all that, that over the holidays I found out that my best friend from high school, who was diagnosed with PCOS when were teenagers,  was able to easily get pregnant. In fact she had already set up and went to a consultation with a RE, the whole time being pregnant and not knowing it. The one person in my real life that I thought would be able to relate was able to randomly ovulate and was lucky enough to have sex when that happened. And it's not that I'm not happy for her, I am so happy for her and she will be an amazing mother, but I'm so sad for myself. My heart is so hurt at this point I don't know where to go and I feel like not one person in my life truly understands.