Literally this process is making me crazy. I know I said this before, but I never thought time could go so slow. I have my next appointment tomorrow morning to check E2 levels and do an ultrasound and this day has felt like an entire week it is moving so slow. Like seriously I still have at least a whole other week to go before the ER. I'm so nervous/anxious/crazy that my stomach is upset, I don't feel like eating and thoughts of concentrating are out the window. I can only focus on this one thing. I don't feel anything yet from the stims, so I have to google that, I start thinking about my AFC so I have to google that, I'm worried about the stim medication I'm taking (cause did I mention I don't feel anything) so I have to google that. I have decided Google and the Internet are evil, evil things and I wish they were never invented. I need a distraction, but unfortunately my job requires me to sit at a computer with the internet at my finger tips all day long. I mean who can resist that type of temptation. Not this girl, that's for sure.
My brain is on constant loop of:
What if I'm not responding?
What if my numbers are bad?
What if they want to cancel my cycle?
What if everything is good?
What if this doesn't work....what if this doesn't work.....what if this doesn't work
I've never felt so stuck in my life. I've never felt so crazy in my life. I've never been so invested in the outcome of anything in my life.
I want to think in terms of this summer when I'm pregnant. On vacation when I'm pregnant. Next fall at our friends wedding when I'm pregnant. Next summer when we have a new baby or babies. Every time I start down that path my brain shuts me down, my emotions shut me down, my heart shuts me down. It feels so risky to hope, to believe that this could actually work. It all feels like a farce. This can't be real life, can it?
I've never been good dealing with the unknown. I plan vacations at least 6 months in advance and I have no control over the schedule of my immediate future. It's making me insane...potentially the hormonal enhancing drugs I'm on have something to do with this crazy feeling, potentially. But turns out knowing that and actually knowing that are two very different things.
This is my journey and I have to accept that. So let me repeat....Peace. Patience. Acceptance. Surrender. Hope. Faith. Love. Intention.
Peace with the situation, it is what it is and being crazy won't change it
Patience with the process, everything has a timeline, which means all things have an ending
Acceptance that this is the journey that I need to take in order to call this child into my life
Surrender to the process, I've done what I can to help my body along, but at this point its out of my hands
Hope that this will have a positive outcome and if not that we still have options in front of us
Faith that this child will come into my life at the exact moment it is supposed to and that this is the exact journey I need to be on at this exact moment in my life
Love unconditional for the family I have and the family that I will have
Intention for the child that will be, we are following a path that very intentionally calls a child into this world, there is no question that this child is wanted and loved
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