Bad Days/Good Days

Every cycle has a lot of ups and downs and this one feels like a lot of downs. I'm just getting started on my journey, all though I've been at it for a year, and I feel exhausted already. I keep looking back to missed opportunities, I keep spinning my thoughts on what's wrong. Every cycle I hit a point where I feel like I will never be pregnant again, period. No further text needed. And it leaves me feeling sad and empty and then guilty because I feel like I'm focusing all my energy on this one thing and I do have this beautiful wonderful boy in my life. Am I supposed to be just satisfied with him? I don't know. Am I supposed to be learning a lesson here? If so I'm desperate to find out what it is... acceptance, patience, persistence, faith, hope?!?!

I know other people on this journey feel this same way, like it'll never happen. In the beginning I fantasized about what it would feel like to see those two pink lines, how I would tell my friends and family, what time of year it would be when the baby was born, when I would take my maternity leave and what I would do. I even fantasized about seeing Q hold his little bother or sister, visiting us in the hospital. Every cycle I lose another little piece of that picture. Staring cycle 16 in the face I can't imagine seeing two pink lines and then I think am I shooting myself in the foot by thinking it won't happen. You get back what you put out and I try every day to put out there the hope that I will be pregnant again, but every day that's harder and harder to do. What could possibly have changed in my body over these past 3 years that is making this so difficult. I literally got pregnant the first time in my life that I had sex without protection while not on birth control. That experience scared me into believing that I was so fertile that I would refuse to have sex with IG without a condom even in situations where I wanted it so bad I was almost crazed. I look back now and I wish I wouldn't have cared, because what if one of those times was supposed to be the time and I stopped it. I wasn't ready to be pregnant with Q when that happened, but it is the best thing that ever happened in my life. I know logically it's a waste of time to look back because there is nothing that can be done about that, but it's so hard not to analyze ever aspect of the last 2 years. It's hard not to think why did I wait so long to try again and why didn't I just let the passion take over and let whatever was to be to be instead of trying to control the situation. Because now I can't un-control the situation. I can't un-know all the details of my cycle, I can't un-think about what's happening during a two week wait, I can't stop from trying to feel any physical sign of pregnancy and I wish I could. I wish I didn't have to think so hard about when and how to have sex with my husband. I wish I could just let it all go and stop paying attention and let what is to be to be. But I can't.

I had my blood draw for CD3 testing done yesterday and am waiting to hear back from the Dr. The lab said they would send over the results by the end of the day (yesterday) so I'm expecting a call hopefully today or tomorrow. I'm anxiously awaiting the results - hoping that there will be something there that will give a sign as to why we are struggling, but hoping that everything is fine. It's a weird feeling wanting something to be wrong and not wrong at the same time.

How does one let go and not give up at the same time? I want to let go, I want to give back the energy and time to my son that he has lost to this, even though he's not aware. And I want to keep focused on the ultimate outcome of growing our family. This week, this day, this cycle I am struggling and I feel stuck. It's like what they say about being insane, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome each time. Am I insane for continuing to believe that we will have another baby?

As Made Famous by Mario: Here We Go Again

At this point I'm 98% sure that my period is going to start. I always hate the 2nd week of the 2WW because I'm obsessively analyzing every potential symptom and I always convince myself that I have no symptoms at all. With that I was sad yesterday and I feel sad today. I just can't wrap my mind around whats so different this time. Why is my body so different this time, what have I done differently? I just don't understand it and it makes it so hard for me. If I could just have some clear reasoning I would be better able to cope with this, but I almost feel like I'm being punished and I'm desperately trying to find out why. So basically I'm having a bad couple of days and I hate when I start to feel like this and then I just feel like it's never going to happen. I do always feel this way at the start of cycle and then by the time we get to the FW I feel hope again. I know this is the pattern I follow every time, but it doesn't make it any easier each time a cycle ends. Now I'm just waiting for AF to show up and hoping that it happens tomorrow or Saturday so that I can time my CD3 bloodwork nicely with my schedule. And I have an overwhelming feeling that all of that is going to turn out normal and we will still be left standing in the dark with not a single light to show us the way.

Royal Baby Craze and My Labor Story

Little baby Cambridge is finally here after a month long contraction watch  and I have to admit that I've been anxiously following Kate's progress, delivery and hospital discharge. I did in fact just watch live streaming video of the new Royal family exiting the hospital and making their first appearance. I feel oddly invested in this baby, maybe because the entire length of her pregnancy and beyond I have been trying to become pregnant myself. I know that I am just one of millions of people fascinated with this baby, but it's not like me to be this invested that I would sit and watch live video streams at work so that I could see them leave the hospital for the first time. It makes me nostalgic about my own labor and delivery and it makes me yernful to do it again. I feel a sense of connection because I too experienced labor and gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Although I don't know, nor could I ever imagine what it would be like to give birth with millions of people waiting and watching. Or stepping out 24 hours after giving birth and greeting a throng of photographers and reporters. I could barely shower 24 hours after delivery, let alone do my hair or put on make-up (to be sure these things were done for Kate).

Q's labor, for the most part, was fairly easy. His due date was September 3 and being that both my brother and I came two weeks early I was ready for him to arrive in mid-August. He had other plans, namely to show up on the date appointed to him, which looking back now fits his personality perfectly - that's the date that was chosen and it cannot be any other date. It's funny to think that little things like that could take shape in our personalities, but I digress. On September 2 I was starting to feel like the baby was never going to come, I was actually starting to get down about it. I desperately did not want to be induced and I was so worried that was going to happen. I should have known better because 3 days prior I had my 39 week appointment in which I had my first internal exam (I had been refusing them since 36 weeks when the Dr's office wanted to start - I didn't see the point) and I was 3cm dilated already. I had also started to grow increasingly uncomfortable, but was still talking walks every day and still sleeping without too much interruption. On this particular day I went for long with my mom - in crocs and socks I might add,  ate cuban for lunch and ran a bunch of errands.  One of which included getting IG a new iPhone and it was there in the AT&T store that I felt my first real contraction. We came home and my mom started making dinner while I sat on the yoga ball quietly timing my contractions. I hadn't yet said anything because I wasn't ready for all the commotion to start with IG or my mom. Finally, after IG had spent the better part of an hour trying to set up his new phone I told him he better get it set up because he would need it that night.  This was at about 7:30, so we started timing my contractions ate dinner, I took a shower, did my hair, put on make-up (yes I was one of those women who wanted to be put together to be taken apart by delivery) and continued to labor at the house. Finally around 11:30 or so I called the Dr when my contractions where about 3 minutes apart. I thought I wasn't really that far along because, although painful, the contractions weren't incapacitatingly painful, they weren't lasting more than a minute and I'd only really been in labor for 4 hours (or so I thought, I know better now and had been in early labor for awhile, just didn't realize it because to me it wasn't that painful).

On the way to the hospital my contractions slowed down considerably. To the point where they were creeping closer to 10 minutes apart. I thought crap I'm going to get to the hospital and they are going to turn me away because I'm not far enough along (again being 3cm was enough to be admitted so I don't know what my crazy brain was getting at - it's not like I could un-dilate at that point). Looking back now I believe it was the sitting still that slowed the contractions. At the house I was on the ball or on all fours or leaning against the wall. Basically letting my body take the lead to tell me what would help alleviate and motivate the labor process and my body knew what to do. We get to the hospital and of course had to fill out a ton of paperwork even with pre-registration. The person in admin treated me like a non-laboring person, like I was walking in there at just the start of labor, even though at this point I obviously couldn't sit comfortably through a contraction. The hospital where I gave birth requires a laboring mother to go to triage first to be examined prior to admissions to make sure they are progressed enough. So back to triage we go and I'm asked to change into the hospital gown. I start to have a ginormous desire to pee so I ask the nurse if it's ok, she says yes and that she'll be back in a minute. So I pee and then ask IG to take one last picture of the belly (we had been doing weekly belly pictures and this one would be week 40). The nurse happens to walk back in while we are taking the picture and then never returns. She must have thought that I wasn't that far along if we could still be standing and taking posed pictures. At this point my contractions where growing more and more uncomfortable so finally I ask IG to go get the nurse - who happened to be just standing at the nurses station chatting it up. She comes in and hooks me up to the monitors and what not and asks me on a scale of 1-10 what my pain level was, to which I replied 5 or 6. I mean it was painful, but it wasn't like kill me now painful. The nurse proceeds to do an internal exam and a look of shock over takes her face. I immediately start to cry because I think something is wrong, but she turns to us and says "you are 8cm dilated and I really thought you would only be at like a 5" and then she says "I hate to see what a 10 on the pain scale is for you". Too bad she wasn't present during delivery because she would've seen it.

We are immediately admitted and moved over to the labor and delivery room which is across the hall on the other side of the nurses station. They tried to get me into a wheelchair, but I insisted on walking. At this point it's roughly 12:30am on Q's due date. The labor and delivery nurses get me set up, botch my IV - it was a nurse in training or a new nurse, but anyways she couldn't get it in and it ended up falling out during delivery anyways. They had me sign some forms and told me it was too late for an epidural, which I told them was fine as I didn't want one anyways. The head nurse starts to tell me about her own 12 week old baby and how this is her first night back at work. She then checks me and I'm at 9cm - in a matter of 30mins. At this point they start to frantically prepare the room because they think the baby is coming and coming fast. I remember the nurse telling me next time not to wait so long to go the hospital as I might end up having the baby in the car - but the point was to labor as much as possible at home because I didn't want to be confined to a bed and I didn't want it to slow down my labor. Which is exactly what it did. I made it to 9.5cm and then nearly fully dilated but a lip of cervix on my right side would not move out of the way. My water never broke naturally and after about an hour and a half in the labor and delivery room the Dr decided to break my water at which point my contractions started coming back to back. I was crying, I was hot, I was nauseous and gagging, I felt like I had to pee and I felt like I wanted it over. I was ready for it to be done. It was painful to lay there, it was painful to move, it was painful to stand or to be examined and I was getting no breaks between contractions. I was crying, my mom was crying and IG was at a total loss but trying to coach me none the less. Finally about 2 and half hours after moving into labor and delivery I was ready to push. And think about this I went from 0/3cm to 9.5cm in roughly 4 hours and that last half a cm, that right side of my cervix took 2 and half hours and the thing that changed the most was being confined, not being able to move how and where I instinctively wanted too.  The pushing process starts and the Dr is called I can feel the head moving up and down and as the Dr is getting dressed I get hit with a hard contraction. I look at the nurse and tell her I want to push, but that if I push the baby will come out, she says no its fine push and I say no I'm telling you if I push that baby is going to come out and she tells me again its fine go ahead and push. So I push. And the baby comes out. And the Dr has to catch him with one hand because she's not ready. And the force of the push leaves me the a 3rd degree tear. I would say a little more coaching and little more listening would've been nice, but a first time mother is never seen as the expert in a delivery room. Which is a shame. I see Q for the first time and I'm crying and I say how much he looks like IG and then I say he's so hairy! His little back was covered in tiny black hairs. They take him away to weigh, measure and do apgars. IG and my mom make phone calls and hold him and take pictures. And it takes the Dr 45 minutes to repair my tear, in which she was not able to fully numb me so I can feel half the stitches and nearly half the repairs. The Dr and two nurses are working to repair the damage, apparently needing to push my uterus back up and out of the way. The Dr firmly tells me twice that if I cannot hold still she will have to knock me out and take me to surgery. I'm gripping the handle bars and trying my best to stay still but 1. I just pushed a nearly 8 pound baby out, 2. I have not been given any pain medication and 3. you have not fully numbed the area how you would like me to stitch your private parts without numbing them first!!!!! Ok that's what I wanted to say but I bit my lip, tightened my grip and was determined not to have miss these moments with my new son.  I have always said that my after delivery was much worse then the actual delivery. The after part is what turns my stomach when I think about it because of the pain. But that experience brought me Q and he was perfect and tiny, not a wrinkle on his face. He latched on right away and snuggled up right under my chin (a thing he still does to this day) and I kissed his lips and held onto my miracle.

I plan to do my next labor (whenever that might be) natural without medication as well. I am certain it helped with successful nursing and lead to a speedy recover for both Q and myself. It helped my body bounce back quickly. I could do without the life threatening tear, but if that's what it would take to bring another little miracle into this world I would fight through that as well. I will likely give birth again in a hospital although I'd like one that has water birth capabilities. I would love to do a water birth. They say you forget about the pain of labor and delivery in order to have another baby and it's so true. I know it was painful and for months after I couldn't imagine doing it that way every again, but now nearly 3 years later I know I made the right decision and that I would do that way again. These 3 years have washed away the memory of the pain and have replaced it with the memory of the miracle. That's what I long for as I eagerly watch all the coverage of little baby Cambridge, the little tiny miracle that comes from the amazing, life changing experience of labor and delivery.

Goodbye Friend

Yesterday we said goodbye do our dear friend and loyal companion Meeko. Meeko was our 15 year old sheltie who had been with IG since he was a puppy. Meeko came into my life 6 years ago when IG and I began dating and he was a joyful, loving, affectionate, protective, playful, happy dog. I always affectionately referred to him as my step-child since he came along with the relationship. But over the years I, and in turn, my family grew to love and count on Meeko. He had started to disappear in front of our eyes over the last few months, eating less and less until recently pretty much not eating at all. The truth his he hadn't been Meeko for a while now and it was time to help him pass on. He will forever be in our hearts and it's heartbreaking to have Q ask about when he is coming home, even though we've told him Meeko is now living in heaven with God and that he won't live with us anymore. Meeko I hope you are out there chasing birds, getting your belly rubbed and licking many loving hands. We will see you again when our family is reunited, we love you and will always be grateful for the joy and companionship you brought to our lives. Goodbye friend.

RE Appointment and Optimism

I had my first RE appointment last week. I think I had been building up the appointment in my head. Like on the first visit I was going to get some awe inspiring information that would magically lead me to a pregnancy. Well that didn't exactly happen. He talked to me a lot about percentages and odds. Basically telling me that a couple that has been trying for 0 months has a 15% chance of getting pregnant (that was us with Q!) and then a couple who has been trying for 12 months has a 10% chance of getting pregnant (that's us now). Ok so every month we have a 10% chance of getting pregnant, not amazing but it's not nothing. He also told me that 85% of couples get pregnant within the first year and of the remaining 15%, 85% of those get pregnant in the second year. Somehow we are tied to that 15%, must be our lucky (or unlucky) percentage? What he was trying to tell me is not to freak out that it's ok that we aren't pregnant after 12 months of trying and that we still have a good chance of achieving pregnancy. This I know, have known, the question is how we are going to get pregnant...natural or otherwise. 

He went over a lot of technically what it takes to get pregnant and what all needs to happen. I guess some people require this information, but I happened to learn that in 6th grade sex ed at good old Maple St. Elementary. He generally spoke at me rather quickly and threw a lot of information at me, but I didn't feel like he was uncaring or unconcerned. Also, he was generally very optimistic about our ability to get pregnant. He said to me that of all the couples he sees we are one of the most fertile - so I guess that's good? Also, that the HSG has been known to increase fertility for 3-4 months and I just had mine done last month.  Honestly I'm so conflicted because I want to share his optimism, I mean I should be happy that both the RE and his nurse told me they are optimistic that I would get pregnant on my own and that's good to hear. But I've heard it before - my OB told me that in December and then my GP told me that I would be pregnant in a few more months in February (I did not go to her for pregnancy/fertility related reasons, but gave medical history and told her we were actively trying to conceive - which she asked before ordering some tests). So there is that side of me that's like nothing has changed so how will the outcome change? What's going to be different these next few months that wasn't there for the past 14? 

As I type that last sentence I can't help but think about the sermon from church this past Sunday. I wasn't raised in a very religious household and always had a feeling that religion and conversvitisim (is that a word?) always went hand in hand and I'm certainly not a conservative person. But have in some ways always sought a connection to greater spirit or power. Since starting my relationship with IG we have attended church on and off in our various locations (IG was raised in religion and it is something that is very important to him and his family). We have a found a church here that is pretty modern and all though I don't agree with all their doctrines or beliefs - for example I believe people are born with their particular sexual orientation - I have found that I enjoy, even look forward to attending on Sundays. I've started to feel a real connection to a higher power and this journey has certainly put that into a perspective that I would have never otherwise had. I have blogged about that before, that conception takes more than sex or love, sperm and eggs. There is definitely a divine element to it. So, to circle back to my first sentence of this tangent, this Sunday was about walking in faith and believing in the unseen. So if all things are possible in God than having the faith that I will get pregnant again feels like it should be part of this process. If I truly believe there is a plan for me in this world and I know at the essence of my being that that includes mothering more than one child then my goal is to let go and walk in faith that the plan will come to fruition at the exact moment it is destine to. Maybe I was supposed to go the RE and hear what he has to say and to follow his advice and to keep calm and carry on. 

We are a few days into the 2WW of cycle 15 and still every cycle I have felt hope and this cycle is no different. I am still hopeful that this cycle will be our cycle. And if it's not then there will be hope next cycle and so on and so forth until the day that I hold my new miracle in my arms and kiss their lips and snuggle them in my arms. Ultimately the RE's advice is to keep trying until the fall and then if we still aren't pregnant to try 3 months of clomid (a medicine that aids in ovulation) and if that doesn't work 3 months of IUI and if that doesn't work we'll hash out another plan. So I guess when it's all said and done I'm at peace with his advice and the appointment and I was able to walk away with a piece of his optimism. 

Here We Go Again

Cycle 15 officially started yesterday....I'm not surprised but still sad about it and so ready to move forward and see if we can figure out what's going on. I'm glad that I have an appointment with the RE already scheduled for next week so we don't have to wait too long to get things moving. Called insurance today to make sure I had all my ducks in a row and apparently I need to enroll into some type of Reproductive Resource Services program in order for my benefits to kick in. Sounds awesome. I get a case worker and everything. Yippee! Can you feel the excitement? One of my pet peeves about insurance is the forcing of services I didn't ask for nor really want. But if it's whats required to receive benefits for fertility treatments then I'll do what I have to.

I tried to call and schedule an acupuncture appointment today, but the one recommended by the RE's office is on vacation until July 7 so I guess that will have to wait till next week. I was back and forth about making the appointment and almost didn't call, only because I'm not sure where I'm going to find another hour each week. Between Q and work and trying to get to the gym 3 times a week and dinner and groceries and laundry and sleep, I'm not sure where else I have time. It's about 20 mins away from my office so that pretty much blows my idea of trying to make it a lunch time thing out of the water. But I'm resolved to give it a try so I will call again next week and figure it out from there.

In other news, I'm looking forward to the 4th of July. It's a 3 day work week so that's always nice and I only have to drive into the office today and tomorrow. Wednesday is the big fireworks display here in downtown and they start shutting down roads on Tuesday and then into Wednesday including blocking off parking garages. I don't want to get stuck in any of that mess so I'm working from home Wednesday. Apparently the fireworks display here is the 2nd largest in the country. We've never gone to the event and Q is still too young to drag him through all that, but it'll be fun to check them out in a couple years when he's older. We are going to my parents this weekend for a cookout and fireworks. Fourth of July is a big deal in the town I grew up in, so it'll be a lot of fun. Plus, Q loves going to Grandma and Grandpa's house and I love the extra playmates there.

I hope this week goes fast, I'm already anxious to get to my RE appointment, just to see what it's like. I hate the unknown and there's only so much internet stalking research I can do about the Dr and the practice and infertility in general. I feel like we have been stagnant for 15 cycles and I just want to do something, anything to move forward. Anyways good thing it's a holiday weekend so I have plenty to keep me occupied.