Every cycle has a lot of ups and downs and this one feels like a lot of downs. I'm just getting started on my journey, all though I've been at it for a year, and I feel exhausted already. I keep looking back to missed opportunities, I keep spinning my thoughts on what's wrong. Every cycle I hit a point where I feel like I will never be pregnant again, period. No further text needed. And it leaves me feeling sad and empty and then guilty because I feel like I'm focusing all my energy on this one thing and I do have this beautiful wonderful boy in my life. Am I supposed to be just satisfied with him? I don't know. Am I supposed to be learning a lesson here? If so I'm desperate to find out what it is... acceptance, patience, persistence, faith, hope?!?!
I know other people on this journey feel this same way, like it'll never happen. In the beginning I fantasized about what it would feel like to see those two pink lines, how I would tell my friends and family, what time of year it would be when the baby was born, when I would take my maternity leave and what I would do. I even fantasized about seeing Q hold his little bother or sister, visiting us in the hospital. Every cycle I lose another little piece of that picture. Staring cycle 16 in the face I can't imagine seeing two pink lines and then I think am I shooting myself in the foot by thinking it won't happen. You get back what you put out and I try every day to put out there the hope that I will be pregnant again, but every day that's harder and harder to do. What could possibly have changed in my body over these past 3 years that is making this so difficult. I literally got pregnant the first time in my life that I had sex without protection while not on birth control. That experience scared me into believing that I was so fertile that I would refuse to have sex with IG without a condom even in situations where I wanted it so bad I was almost crazed. I look back now and I wish I wouldn't have cared, because what if one of those times was supposed to be the time and I stopped it. I wasn't ready to be pregnant with Q when that happened, but it is the best thing that ever happened in my life. I know logically it's a waste of time to look back because there is nothing that can be done about that, but it's so hard not to analyze ever aspect of the last 2 years. It's hard not to think why did I wait so long to try again and why didn't I just let the passion take over and let whatever was to be to be instead of trying to control the situation. Because now I can't un-control the situation. I can't un-know all the details of my cycle, I can't un-think about what's happening during a two week wait, I can't stop from trying to feel any physical sign of pregnancy and I wish I could. I wish I didn't have to think so hard about when and how to have sex with my husband. I wish I could just let it all go and stop paying attention and let what is to be to be. But I can't.
I had my blood draw for CD3 testing done yesterday and am waiting to hear back from the Dr. The lab said they would send over the results by the end of the day (yesterday) so I'm expecting a call hopefully today or tomorrow. I'm anxiously awaiting the results - hoping that there will be something there that will give a sign as to why we are struggling, but hoping that everything is fine. It's a weird feeling wanting something to be wrong and not wrong at the same time.
How does one let go and not give up at the same time? I want to let go, I want to give back the energy and time to my son that he has lost to this, even though he's not aware. And I want to keep focused on the ultimate outcome of growing our family. This week, this day, this cycle I am struggling and I feel stuck. It's like what they say about being insane, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome each time. Am I insane for continuing to believe that we will have another baby?
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