I have spent a lot of time on my infertility journey trying to make sense of it all. Trying to determine where the curve was that moved us from easily able to conceive to a complete inability to do so. Trying to decipher my temperatures and analyze every little aspect of my cycle. Trying to navigate the lingo and world of infertility and specialists and protocols. And I still don't have a grasp on it. I've spent countless hours researching, lurking message boards, stalking blogs and trying to learn from others journeys, but I still feel lost and confused. There are so many aspects of infertility that are uncertain. I am uncertain if the medications or IUI or IVF or anything will help us achieve this goal. Being diagnosed unexplained there isn't even any certainty in what is causing us to struggle this time around. And it all feels like a shot in the dark. Who knows what protocol will work, because who knows what's really wrong. And in all of it I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. That if I was just able to do it all right then we would be able to get pregnant. For the majority of this journey I have tracked my cycle with temperatures and OPKs and cervical fluid and all other things and even though on paper it looks like we've timed things right, I'm never confident we have. I'm uncertain that we did everything we could in each cycle to make us successful. I question my body, I question my thoughts, I question my plans and my Dr's and my husband. I question when to have sex and if it should be every day or every other day or abstain before IUI or not. I question if I even know when my period actually starts.
Prior to this journey I never questioned my body. It's always been good to me and I've always tried to be good to it. I feed it healthy foods, I rest it, I keep it limber and fit, I give it vitamins and nurture it when it feels run down. But now I feel like its my enemy. That it's blocking me from achieving my greatest desire. That it's mocking me and turning on me. When I was pregnant the first time, my body was amazing. Conception was easy, pregnancy was easy, labor and delivery were easy, recover was easy, breastfeeding was easy. But this time around my body is failing me and I don't know why and I don't know how to change it.
This cycle has been the most confusing to date and adding more things into the mix just muddies the water. Each cycle on clomid my period has gotten lighter and shorter. This time around I started what I thought was my period on Monday 12/9. Let me also say, I've never spotted before a period. Ever. I know my period is going to start by the fact that a day or two before hand I will see some brownish color CM, I do not consider this spotting as it is only visible when wiping and looking really closely. And I didn't even know this happened until I really started monitoring every aspect of every cycle when I started this journey. So it wasn't even anything I was aware happened before trying to conceive this time. So when I started to bleed enough to need a liner or a tampon (even though it wouldn't soak the tampon) I thought it was my period. Therefore, I assumed 12/9 to be CD 1, called the RE, got a clomid refill and started taking the clomid on day 3. I did however take a test on Wednesday before taking the clomid just to make sure because my "period" was so light, I wanted to make sure. It was of course a BFN, so I took the clomid and assumed that as previous cycles the medicine was just making the period lighter and shorter. Then Friday rolls around and definite heavy bleeding starts. I was completely unprepared, I was in Chicago for work and only had a single tampon that was in my purse, I hadn't brought anything with me because I thought at that point my period was over.
To confuse matters even more my trigger was 11/22 and my IUI 11/24, which I had two very large (26, 29) follicles on my right side. So if the trigger worked as it should and forced ovulation 24-36 after injection then I would have had to ovulate on the latest 11/24, but my period didn't start until 18 days later - is that even possible? In the 20 cycles that I've been tracking I've never had an LP longer than 15 days. So does that mean I never ovulated or did I mess it up by taking the clomid too early? When bleeding did start 3 days after starting the clomid, I just stayed the course and continued to take the clomid, taking the last one on Sunday 12/15. And I can't seem to get any answers.
Now let's get even more confusing. I had an ultrasound appointment yesterday (2 days after my period stopped and 3 days after my last clomid). Last cycle my ultrasound was on day 10 and my follicles where already huge (which I found out this time around they like to catch them before they are that large - great thanks for not telling me that last cycle). So yesterday would've been day 10 had my period started on 12/9 or day 6 if my period started on 12/13. And what does the ultrasound show - looks like I've already ovulated - um WTF? There is a large cyst on my left side like 26 mm and a very small follicle on my right side at 12 mm. There is fluid in the cavity and what the RE called a whitening of the uterine lining, which was only at 7.7 and which is consistent with ovulation. Confusion. Utter confusion - when did my period really start how is it possible to ovulate 3 days after stopping clomid and 2 days after stopping bleeding. When asked the RE replied "yeah that would be really early" - um thanks for the information. So I was instructed to take my temperature this morning (which I haven't been tracking this cycle because I've been doing a lot of traveling, home 2 days in the last 2 weeks and thought I could give myself a break since I was being monitored with ultrasounds and would be able to get a good estimate of ovulation). He told me that if it was 97.2 or somewhere in there then I likely didn't ovulate and was just really early in my cycle, but if it was over 98 then that would indicate that progesterone was in my system. My temp this morning was 98.08, seriously? I went back and tracked all previous cycles, never have I ever, even with off times or sleep deprivation or alcohol had a temp outside of the 97s before ovulation. Confusion. Complete and utter confusion.
Needless to say IUI #2 is cancelled at this point. They said they don't really think it would do any good to bring me back tomorrow for another ultrasound and asked if I'd been having sex....well no because 1. I was out of town 2. IG has been really sick and 3. I've never ever, to my knowledge ovulated this early. But as I'm realizing in this journey, my knowledge isn't always so good. Who knows maybe I've been ovulating early all long and just never knew it. When asked if the follicles could still grow the nurse said they usually grow 2 mm a day so it's possible that by Friday the one on the right could be at 18 mm and they try to catch them between 22 mm and 24 mm. To which I asked, was I too late last time because my follicles were 26 mm and 29 mm?? And she said yes that is later than they like and that usually follicles of that size that haven't ovulated naturally aren't going to - what?!?! So if my follicles have been large in the past (which I wouldn't know because this is the first time I've had ultrasounds) then there's a possibility that I have had all the symptoms of ovulation but that it hasn't been happening. Thanks for sharing all this with me RE and staff. I'm new to all this so great to find this stuff out nonchalantly.
On top of all this, I don't feel like I've ovulated. I always have pains and back aches and this magnified since taking the clomid, so maybe there is still a chance that we haven't missed the window this month. IG and I will continue to have sex over the next week and I will track with OPKs and my temp, starting today forward ( I took an OPK yesterday and this morning, both negative). Maybe we'll be lucky, maybe we will get a Christmas miracle. We conceived last time in December so maybe this is our magical month.
RE is now going to bring me in early next cycle for a baseline ultrasound before starting the clomid again to make sure that the large cyst on the left side did dissolve and to see how things look before enhancing them with medication. It wasn't deemed necessary for me to have all this monitoring before, because I have no obvious signs of issues. I know many of you would advise me to run as fast and as far as I can from this RE's office and believe me I hear you, but the other RE's in my area are not considered centers of excellence as deemed by my reproductive resources insurance coverage. So if I don't want to pay OOP, then I'm stuck here. But I feel like every time I go, instead of feeling more enlightened or more confident I just feel more confused and disappointed.
One thing I do know for certain, is that there is nothing certain about infertility.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
BFN
Well IUI #1 was a bust. I started what I guess is my period on Monday. I say I guess my period because it is the lightest period I have ever had in all my years of having a period. There is definitely blood and a small amount is bright red, but it's not enough to soak a tampon, I probably could even get away with a liner. I usually have at least 1 day of very heavy flow with lots of clots (TMI, I'm sorry!). This period is so light that I was even questioning if it was my period and had IG go out and buy me a test this morning before starting the clomid just in case (I'm a non-tester, a wait for AF kinda gal). But the test was stark white as per usual so this must be it. I have read that taking clomid can shorten and change your period, but this was a bit unexpected. It's hard to even track days because now I'm like was Monday really day 1, is this just spotting and day 1 is yet to come?? I hate that through all this I can't trust my body anymore and I second guess everything. Infertility really and truly makes one crazy in so many ways.
Regardless there is some blood so I decided to go ahead and take the clomid and just count myself as lucky to have a light, non-painful period. And hope that it doesn't mean that something else is going on in there. My ultrasound for IUI #2 is schedule for next Wednesday afternoon. My RE is out next week, but luckily they will let me see another Dr in the practice so I don't have to wait a whole month. I also had to remind the nurse that I need to come in on day 10 for the ultrasound because I ovulate on day 11 or 12, I mean I get they see a lot of people, but shouldn't you pull up and review my information before calling me back? This clinic has the highest success rates in my area, but I really don't feel like they pay good attention - so it's a good thing I do.
If my body stays on schedule IUI will probably be next Friday and then the 2ww will fall right at Christmas time which will be torture. Especially because I have one friend coming home who just had a baby and one that is just recently pregnant with her third - that she didn't even want or has room for in her house. But I'm not bitter or anything.
Hopefully this one will take, but this is a hard one for me because if it does take then the due date would be very close to Q's birthday. And I didn't really want that, in fact this time last year we avoided this month for that exact reason. Funny how different my thinking was last year compared to this year. Last year we were only 6 months into this journey now we are 18 months and 20 cycles in and at this point I don't really care when I get pregnant I just want to get pregnant again. So I hope this one will take and if not we will give IUI one more shot before moving onto something more aggressive. I know patience is the name of the game, but mine is really starting to wear thin.
In other news, we just got back yesterday from my brother-in-laws college graduation and I leave tomorrow early morning for Chicago. IG is coming to meet me on Friday to spend the weekend because we need to get away for a bit, but I hate hate hate leaving Q. I'm not even gone yet and I already miss him. I know we need to get away for our sanity, but it makes me sad. I never want to leave him. We get back on Sunday and then on Tuesday I have to fly down to Atlanta for the day. It's only a day trip, but it's first flight out last flight back so it makes for a long day. I am certainly thankful that my cycle worked in a way that all this travel didn't interfere, but it will be a miracle if I make it to Christmas without collapsing from exhaustion. Luckily I have the week of Christmas off - which will be the first week of the 2ww wait so I just need to make it to next Friday. I can do it, I can do it!
Regardless there is some blood so I decided to go ahead and take the clomid and just count myself as lucky to have a light, non-painful period. And hope that it doesn't mean that something else is going on in there. My ultrasound for IUI #2 is schedule for next Wednesday afternoon. My RE is out next week, but luckily they will let me see another Dr in the practice so I don't have to wait a whole month. I also had to remind the nurse that I need to come in on day 10 for the ultrasound because I ovulate on day 11 or 12, I mean I get they see a lot of people, but shouldn't you pull up and review my information before calling me back? This clinic has the highest success rates in my area, but I really don't feel like they pay good attention - so it's a good thing I do.
If my body stays on schedule IUI will probably be next Friday and then the 2ww will fall right at Christmas time which will be torture. Especially because I have one friend coming home who just had a baby and one that is just recently pregnant with her third - that she didn't even want or has room for in her house. But I'm not bitter or anything.
Hopefully this one will take, but this is a hard one for me because if it does take then the due date would be very close to Q's birthday. And I didn't really want that, in fact this time last year we avoided this month for that exact reason. Funny how different my thinking was last year compared to this year. Last year we were only 6 months into this journey now we are 18 months and 20 cycles in and at this point I don't really care when I get pregnant I just want to get pregnant again. So I hope this one will take and if not we will give IUI one more shot before moving onto something more aggressive. I know patience is the name of the game, but mine is really starting to wear thin.
In other news, we just got back yesterday from my brother-in-laws college graduation and I leave tomorrow early morning for Chicago. IG is coming to meet me on Friday to spend the weekend because we need to get away for a bit, but I hate hate hate leaving Q. I'm not even gone yet and I already miss him. I know we need to get away for our sanity, but it makes me sad. I never want to leave him. We get back on Sunday and then on Tuesday I have to fly down to Atlanta for the day. It's only a day trip, but it's first flight out last flight back so it makes for a long day. I am certainly thankful that my cycle worked in a way that all this travel didn't interfere, but it will be a miracle if I make it to Christmas without collapsing from exhaustion. Luckily I have the week of Christmas off - which will be the first week of the 2ww wait so I just need to make it to next Friday. I can do it, I can do it!
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Infertility Brain
Infertility brain is a tricky, mostly nasty side effect of infertility. It makes me believe that I will never be pregnant again. It makes me question every decision I've made over the past 2 years. It makes me crazy for half of every month with worry. It takes me on a constant loop of hope to despair to hope. It's also recently convinced me to think that twins would be an exciting development. Everyone who is currently under fertility treatments or has done them in the past knows that the chance of multiples is increased due to the medication and treatments. The percentage increase depends on the type of medication and treatment, of course if you're doing IVF and you transfer two blasts then you know your chances are higher. Or if you do IUI with multiple follicles then your chances are higher.
We had two very mature follicles for our IUI, so there is a slightly higher percentage that we could end up with twins or more (imagine if both took and split and there where 4! - which is very unlikely but also a bit scary). It's all I can think about this week. What if we have twins? And I'm not scared, I'm excited by the thought and that's just crazy talk right there. Infertility brain. I'm so desperate for one baby that the thought of two is thrilling. Honestly the thought of pregnancy at this point is thrilling. But I know how hard one baby is, I really can't imagine how hard two would be. Q was a calm baby as long as he was being held - and he only wanted to be held by me. Still to this day he prefers me for all things. And while I revel in that and know that it won't always be this way - it's exhausting. It's hard to always be the only one who can brush his teeth or snuggle him in the morning or pick out his cloths or give him a bath or get him into and out of his car seat or pick him up or drop him off at school. Imagine that times two. I can't. I can't wrap my brain around it, which is probably why the thought of twins is still an exciting possibility to me.
I have no pregnancy tests in my house or else I would've tested by now. I'm about 4 days away from knowing if this worked or not, my period should be here by Monday if it's coming. This second week of the 2WW is a killer. I've been so distracted, haven't been able to concentrate at work or at anything else really. Only thinking about how I don't feel pregnant and will we have time to do another IUI before Christmas and would I do a third or move straight to IVF. I am hungry a lot, but that's normal before AF as well. And I did lose like 3 pounds and I haven't done anything different, other than worry.
We had two very mature follicles for our IUI, so there is a slightly higher percentage that we could end up with twins or more (imagine if both took and split and there where 4! - which is very unlikely but also a bit scary). It's all I can think about this week. What if we have twins? And I'm not scared, I'm excited by the thought and that's just crazy talk right there. Infertility brain. I'm so desperate for one baby that the thought of two is thrilling. Honestly the thought of pregnancy at this point is thrilling. But I know how hard one baby is, I really can't imagine how hard two would be. Q was a calm baby as long as he was being held - and he only wanted to be held by me. Still to this day he prefers me for all things. And while I revel in that and know that it won't always be this way - it's exhausting. It's hard to always be the only one who can brush his teeth or snuggle him in the morning or pick out his cloths or give him a bath or get him into and out of his car seat or pick him up or drop him off at school. Imagine that times two. I can't. I can't wrap my brain around it, which is probably why the thought of twins is still an exciting possibility to me.
I have no pregnancy tests in my house or else I would've tested by now. I'm about 4 days away from knowing if this worked or not, my period should be here by Monday if it's coming. This second week of the 2WW is a killer. I've been so distracted, haven't been able to concentrate at work or at anything else really. Only thinking about how I don't feel pregnant and will we have time to do another IUI before Christmas and would I do a third or move straight to IVF. I am hungry a lot, but that's normal before AF as well. And I did lose like 3 pounds and I haven't done anything different, other than worry.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
IUI #1
So I didn't have a chance to update on how IUI #1 went since it was the Sunday before Thanksgiving, so it was just a very busy week. We only worked two days and then headed to my parents with my BIL and his whole family for Thanksgiving. Which was a lot of fun, but also very exhausting. BIL had a training class in Ohio (he owns a crossfit gym) so IG and BIL left early Friday morning only to get home to discover that our fridge was completely busted - it had a temperature of a comfortable 65 degrees. So IG spent Friday fridge shopping on his own. On the positive side we got a $3,200 fridge for $1,700...on the negative side we had to spend $1,700 right before Christmas + throw out at least $300 worth of food + lost the second dose of my HCG trigger shot. But despite all that, Thanksgiving was good and it was nice to get away for a couple of days and it was nice to be busy it made the first week of the 2WW wait pass really fast and it's always nice when that can happen.
So IUI #1 - went as good as possible. Let's start at the beginning. I had my ultrasound on Friday 11/22, which I had to fight for because I was only CD 9/10 (I say 10, RE says 9, whatevs). Anyways the initially thought it was too early, even though I've told them multiple times that I ovulate on day 11 or 12 even while taking the clomid. At the ultrasound RE saw two big follicles on my right side one 26 the other 29 and then a really small one on my left, I think it was like 14. So he told me to trigger that night and go in Sunday (11/24) morning for the IUI. Not gonna lie, was a little nervous about IG giving me the trigger shot, especially because he wasn't at that appointment with me so I had to remember all the instructions that the nurse gave me on how to administer the injection. Luckily she gave me the needle she used to the mix the medicine so that he could practice on the couch - which he did and then later said the couch was a lot harder than my butt. We were told to trigger around 9:30pm, which was good cause that meant Q would already be in bed, not sure how it would've gone had he been around. IG did a really good job with shot all things considered. We had a bit of an issue getting the medicine in the needle and then changing from the 2inch to the 1inch needle, but otherwise it didn't hurt that bad. I did get one weird side effect that started in the middle of the night and throughout Saturday, which was a pain in my calf on the side in which the shot was administered. The handout that came with the medicine listed that as a side effect to immediately contact your Dr about for fear of blood clots and all Saturday morning I thought great I'm gonna end up in the ER and of course this just can't be this easy and why do I have to go through all this extra BS just to have a baby. I was in a very woe is me mind frame. I finally decided to call the emergency call number at my RE's office and the Dr on call seemed very unconcerned by it and told me to just take an aspirin. By Monday all pain was gone. So not sure if it was just a continence or something else.
Sunday morning IG had to drop off his sample at the lab by 7:30am so he had to get up pretty early to do his business. He was worried he didn't get a good enough sample, but turns out he has amazing sperm. That's what the RE said to me before the IUI. Pre-wash he had 244 mil little guys with a 77% motility, which the Dr said was really good. Post-wash we had 50 mil, with a 97% motility - so everything seemed to be aligned good - I had nice large follicles and sperm was good. The IUI itself was not bad, didn't feel like much more than a pap smear. Although it was weird to be there by myself, IG had to stay home with Q. So if I end up pregnant it would've been with IG not even in the room. The whole thing took like 20 mins start to finish, including laying there for 10 mins to give the guys a chance to get to their goal. My only concern is that I think I ovulated Saturday, so I'm not sure if the IUI Sunday morning was too late or not. I had my first positive OPK on Friday and I usually ovulate the day after that and my follicles where already really big on Friday. So I think I was already into my 12-36 hour window by the time we did the trigger shot. For sure I either ovulated on Saturday or Sunday, fingers crossed we weren't too late. We were told to have sex on Sunday night, but we were just exhausted that we didn't - so we'll see. I had my P4 levels checked on Monday and they came back at 49.4, which is lower than last time which was 55.5. It was already 1 day outside of the 7 days past ovulation as the IUI was Sunday, but the lab wasn't open over the weekend so I had to wait till Monday for the test and then if I did ovulate on Saturday it would've really be 9dpo. It's still a high number, but I wonder if it's going down.
So I will know by next Monday whether it worked or not. For IUIs my RE's office doesn't do a beta unless there is a positive HPT, so they told me to wait until at least Monday to test. I'll probably just wait to see if AF shows up, I don't think I could stomach another test. We are leaving Friday to head down to GA for little BIL's graduation and not getting home till Tuesday and then I leave again on the Thursday for Chicago for work. IG is meeting me there on Friday and we are spending the weekend away without Q, so either way it'll be good. We could celebrate or take the time to re-group and start again.
So IUI #1 - went as good as possible. Let's start at the beginning. I had my ultrasound on Friday 11/22, which I had to fight for because I was only CD 9/10 (I say 10, RE says 9, whatevs). Anyways the initially thought it was too early, even though I've told them multiple times that I ovulate on day 11 or 12 even while taking the clomid. At the ultrasound RE saw two big follicles on my right side one 26 the other 29 and then a really small one on my left, I think it was like 14. So he told me to trigger that night and go in Sunday (11/24) morning for the IUI. Not gonna lie, was a little nervous about IG giving me the trigger shot, especially because he wasn't at that appointment with me so I had to remember all the instructions that the nurse gave me on how to administer the injection. Luckily she gave me the needle she used to the mix the medicine so that he could practice on the couch - which he did and then later said the couch was a lot harder than my butt. We were told to trigger around 9:30pm, which was good cause that meant Q would already be in bed, not sure how it would've gone had he been around. IG did a really good job with shot all things considered. We had a bit of an issue getting the medicine in the needle and then changing from the 2inch to the 1inch needle, but otherwise it didn't hurt that bad. I did get one weird side effect that started in the middle of the night and throughout Saturday, which was a pain in my calf on the side in which the shot was administered. The handout that came with the medicine listed that as a side effect to immediately contact your Dr about for fear of blood clots and all Saturday morning I thought great I'm gonna end up in the ER and of course this just can't be this easy and why do I have to go through all this extra BS just to have a baby. I was in a very woe is me mind frame. I finally decided to call the emergency call number at my RE's office and the Dr on call seemed very unconcerned by it and told me to just take an aspirin. By Monday all pain was gone. So not sure if it was just a continence or something else.
Sunday morning IG had to drop off his sample at the lab by 7:30am so he had to get up pretty early to do his business. He was worried he didn't get a good enough sample, but turns out he has amazing sperm. That's what the RE said to me before the IUI. Pre-wash he had 244 mil little guys with a 77% motility, which the Dr said was really good. Post-wash we had 50 mil, with a 97% motility - so everything seemed to be aligned good - I had nice large follicles and sperm was good. The IUI itself was not bad, didn't feel like much more than a pap smear. Although it was weird to be there by myself, IG had to stay home with Q. So if I end up pregnant it would've been with IG not even in the room. The whole thing took like 20 mins start to finish, including laying there for 10 mins to give the guys a chance to get to their goal. My only concern is that I think I ovulated Saturday, so I'm not sure if the IUI Sunday morning was too late or not. I had my first positive OPK on Friday and I usually ovulate the day after that and my follicles where already really big on Friday. So I think I was already into my 12-36 hour window by the time we did the trigger shot. For sure I either ovulated on Saturday or Sunday, fingers crossed we weren't too late. We were told to have sex on Sunday night, but we were just exhausted that we didn't - so we'll see. I had my P4 levels checked on Monday and they came back at 49.4, which is lower than last time which was 55.5. It was already 1 day outside of the 7 days past ovulation as the IUI was Sunday, but the lab wasn't open over the weekend so I had to wait till Monday for the test and then if I did ovulate on Saturday it would've really be 9dpo. It's still a high number, but I wonder if it's going down.
So I will know by next Monday whether it worked or not. For IUIs my RE's office doesn't do a beta unless there is a positive HPT, so they told me to wait until at least Monday to test. I'll probably just wait to see if AF shows up, I don't think I could stomach another test. We are leaving Friday to head down to GA for little BIL's graduation and not getting home till Tuesday and then I leave again on the Thursday for Chicago for work. IG is meeting me there on Friday and we are spending the weekend away without Q, so either way it'll be good. We could celebrate or take the time to re-group and start again.
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