Infertility Brain

Infertility brain is a tricky, mostly nasty side effect of infertility. It makes me believe that I will never be pregnant again. It makes me question every decision I've made over the past 2 years. It makes me crazy for half of every month with worry. It takes me on a constant loop of hope to despair to hope. It's also recently convinced me to think that twins would be an exciting development. Everyone who is currently under fertility treatments or has done them in the past knows that the chance of multiples is increased due to the medication and treatments. The percentage increase depends on the type of medication and treatment, of course if you're doing IVF and you transfer two blasts then you know your chances are higher. Or if you do IUI with multiple follicles then your chances are higher.

We had two very mature follicles for our IUI, so there is a slightly higher percentage that we could end up with twins or more (imagine if both took and split and there where 4! - which is very unlikely but also a bit scary). It's all I can think about this week. What if we have twins? And I'm not scared, I'm excited by the thought and that's just crazy talk right there. Infertility brain. I'm so desperate for one baby that the thought of two is thrilling. Honestly the thought of pregnancy at this point is thrilling. But I know how hard one baby is, I really can't imagine how hard two would be. Q was a calm baby as long as he was being held - and he only wanted to be held by me. Still to this day he prefers me for all things. And while I revel in that and know that it won't always be this way - it's exhausting. It's hard to always be the only one who can brush his teeth or snuggle him in the morning or pick out his cloths or give him a bath or get him into and out of his car seat or pick him up or drop him off at school. Imagine that times two. I can't. I can't wrap my brain around it, which is probably why the thought of twins is still an exciting possibility to me.

I have no pregnancy tests in my house or else I would've tested by now. I'm about 4 days away from knowing if this worked or not, my period should be here by Monday if it's coming. This second week of the 2WW is a killer. I've been so distracted, haven't been able to concentrate at work or at anything else really. Only thinking about how I don't feel pregnant and will we have time to do another IUI before Christmas and would I do a third or move straight to IVF. I am hungry a lot, but that's normal before AF as well. And I did lose like 3 pounds and I haven't done anything different, other than worry.