Status Report

So went in today for monitoring appointment and we are all good to trigger tonight!! I'm so glad I called and had the appointment moved from tomorrow to today, I had a +OPK yesterday and today and there were 3 good follies in there, 1 on the right (which I was surprised because I've been feeling everything on the left) and 2 on the left. The cyst that was on the right side at baseline is almost completely gone. Lining was 8mm. So we will trigger tonight, do the deed and IUI #2 is scheduled for Friday morning 9am.

Please keep all fingers and toes and anything else crossed. RE and nurse were very positive and optimistic, which makes me very positive and hopeful. And plus like I said before this weekend is my birthday and my 2WW will end on Valentine's day, so this has got to be our month right? Everything seems to be aligned.

Today I am grateful that my body is back on track and that we have 3 targets to hit for this IUI.

I am grateful for my ability to listen to my body and to have the drive to do what I think is right for my body.

I am grateful for my body's ability to re-set itself.

Status Report

This cycle is chugging along, I'm on what I consider cycle day 9.  Like my first IUI cycle, RE's office is counting this as day 8 because my period started late in the day for day 1, late being 4:30pm. I have no problem with them tracking it that way, but my cycles happen rapid fire and I feel like last IUI when I went on RE's CD 10 (my 9), it was a little too late. I had already gotten a positive OPK and my follies were really large. So I was originally scheduled to do my next ultrasound on Thursday, but called today and asked for it to be changed to tomorrow, because I'd rather be early and wait an extra day to trigger than be too late. I can't handle another month of missing out. I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating on the left side based on what I've been feeling. All though for the third month in a row my ovulation pain seems to be a lot less than what it normally is so that has me a little worried. Another reason why I'm ready to get back in there and see how things are going. 

If things keep on track then IUI should be sometime this weekend, which also happens to be when by birthday occurs. I'm taking this as a very good sign. It would be the best present ever. 

Gratitude Journal #3

Today....I am grateful for heated seats and 4 wheel drive in my vehicle.

I am grateful for the time spent playing with Q over the weekend in the snow.

I am grateful for my job. It helps to pay the bills and allows us to give Q what he needs.

I am grateful that my body seems to be back on track this cycle.

I am grateful that I get to karate tonight with Q and witness the pure joy he has for kicking and hitting things.

I am grateful that I had $3 in my wallet to buy a chia tea this morning.

I am grateful for winter and even these unbelievable cold temperatures because it make me appreciate spring more.

I am grateful for my parents who are willing to come this weekend so that IG can go with me to the IUI appointment.

I am grateful that in a few days I will celebrate another year of life that I've gotten to spend with the ones I love.

Baseline

Had my baseline ultrasound today for IUI #2.1 and the large cyst on my left side seems to have resolved itself, but there now appears to be a cyst on my right side measuring about 20mm. However, RE feels like this is likely residual from my cycle that just ended. He also guessed that I didn't ovulate for the last two cycles and that's why my period has been so wacky.  He thinks Dr. Schmidt was wrong 2 cycles ago and that I hadn't actually ovulated yet, but since my period started so soon after surmised that I likely didn't ovulate at all, even though I had taken clomid.

We decided to up to the clomid dose this time from 50mg to 100mg, even though I've previously gotten good response on just 50mg of clomid, because of the last two cycles. I had 1 refill left of clomid and in anticipation of this appointment sent it in to be refilled, knowing that if the baseline was good that I'd be starting clomid today. With that the RE gave me a prescription today for 5 more pills at 50mg so that I could take two a day. Well stupid insurance denied the claim for the second prescription because it was 1 day after refilling the exact same medicine and dosage. Which is stupid because it's a separate prescription, but whatever I've done nothing but battle the insurance company since we starting this process so why should this be any different. So I left the pharmacy with 5 pills today and will hopefully go back tomorrow for the remaining 5 pills.

I'm scheduled next Thursday for my mid-cycle ultrasound and if all stays on track we are looking at IUI next weekend. Hopefully the increased clomid will produce at least 3 strong follicles and we can have another good IUI. Fingers crossed.

And of course had to wear some awesome socks today for the appointment.

All about Q

When I started this blog I never intended it to be fully focused on my fertility issues and journey. In fact, I started it before I knew for certain that I was facing fertility issues, I did however have a feeling that it was the path we were on, long before testing or treatment. Infertility and everything that comes along with it has certainly consumed a large portion of what my life is now, but it is by no means my entire life and the rest of all that life seems to get lost here. So this post is all about Q, because he is honestly my entire life and the light and joy that keeps me going everyday.

Where to even begin? I know all parents say things like this, but Q is the most amazing little person I've ever known. He is smart, he is funny, he is caring, he is sensitive,  he is loud, he is energetic, he is competitive, he is overly social, he is weird, he is creative and the list could go on and on. One thing he most definitely is, is a Mama's boy. It's gotten better as he's gotten a little older, but there is no doubt about it, he prefers Mama above all else. When he was younger this was very exhausting, now as I see it starting to slowly slip away it makes me sad. His comfort zone is sucking his thumb and sticking his hand in my armpit. (I did mention in the above list that he is weird, so consider that fair warning.) He's done this since he was able to consciously direct movement of his hands and arms. I nursed Q for 14 months and I think it all stems from that, because in nursing him there was always one arm/hand tucked under my arm.

At 3 (and nearly a half) years old, Q is super into puzzles and Pinocchio and playing games and Wii sports resort and swimming and writing letters and the color yellow and sleeping with Eeyore and Reese's cups and racing and bowling and working in the kitchen and making up words and face-timing with Grandma and Grandpa. He loves to play with other kids, especially kids older than him. And he loves to talk to everyone, all strangers included. He's always interested in whether I'm happy and asks me often and has recently started telling me he does certain things because he loves me. For example, I'll ask him why he likes to sleep in bed with me and he'll respond "because I love you".

He is always happy and has the best smile in the world. He loves to be funny and make others laugh. He is ridiculously athletically inclined, seriously this kids has ab muscles like you wouldn't believe.

He has changed my life for the better from the moment he was a second line on a pregnancy test. I am by no means a perfect mother, but Q makes me a better person every day. He reminds me to slow down, to get down on the floor and play a game, to let the laundry sit another day, to cherish the moments laying with him right before he falls asleep as he's snuggled right up against my body. The pure joy he experiences with every little thing we do helps me to see the joy in those little things. No matter what I will always be grateful that I was the one lucky enough to be chosen as Q's Mom.

And now for fun I leave you with a few pictures of the most amazing little boy I know.

For the second time in January....

I'm cycling again, with mixed emotions. I'm excited that my period has started and I'm ready to get back to the RE and get moving again, but this cycle was only 20 days long and last cycle was 18. Feels like something odd is going on. On top of that I've been spotting on and off since day 8 this cycle and had some bleeding after sex (which sometimes happens, sometimes not), but maybe all of it together might be giving us picture. I hope so, I really hope this will help lead us to change in protocol that will lead us to a pregnancy. My period started full force yesterday late afternoon, after spotting all day, the nurse at my RE wants to count today as day 1 since full flow didn't start till somewhere around 4:30 yesterday. Whatever, works for me. Oh and did I mention that my flow is heavy, like heavy heavy, like soaking a super tampon every hour and half heavy. I'm scheduled back at the RE on Thursday at 9:45am for a baseline ultrasound and to talk through all this junk. Two cycles in 38 days, I think my body might be trying tell me something.

Gratitude Journal #2

Today I am grateful for the 75mins of yoga this morning that helped to quiet my mind.

I am grateful for the lesson in yoga that infinite patience results in immediate gratification (it's amazing how perfect it fits my situation).

I am grateful that after two days of stomach pain my belly finally feels better.

I am grateful for a full nights sleep last night.

I am grateful for the 15mins of snuggles that I had with Q this morning in bed before the day started.

I am grateful that Q's school offers a parent's night out so that IG and I can go see a movie tonight.

I am grateful for my dogs, who are always there to stick their heads in my lap even when I don't want it.

Gratitude Journal

I was a huge Oprah fan or rather I still am a huge Oprah fan, but I was a religious watcher of the Oprah Winfrey show.  I used to DVR it and when I was on maternity leave and at home alone for 12 hours a day with newborn, it always felt like my adult hour. She was the only daytime talk show I watched regularly. Anyways a few years back Oprah talked about keeping a gratitude journal and writing in it everyday the things you are grateful for. I can't remember the deeper lesson behind the gratitude journal, I mean obviously it helps you to focus on the things that are good right now in your life, but I think there was some deeper lesson behind it all.

Anyways, lately I find myself so consumed by my journey with SIF that I feel like I can't think of anything else. I think I only have one week a month where I don't feel totally consumed by this and that's usually my fertile week where I've moved out of feeling disappointed and sad that another cycle has ended with AF and into feeling hopeful that maybe something will finally work. But then I move into the 2WW and I'm consumed all over again. I have a hard time concentrating at work and a lot of the time just feel like I'm gong through the motions in the evenings with Q. And then I feel so guilty for not cherishing what I have. 

So I was thinking about the things I am grateful for and thought maybe some form of a gratitude journal would help take my mind out of the dark place IF takes it for the majority of my month. 

I am grateful for the beautiful, funny, caring, loving son that I already have. 

I am grateful for a body that woke up and functioned to the best of it's ability today. 

I am grateful for a husband that will do pick up and dinner tonight so that I can go to a spin class. 

I am grateful that we have the insurance coverage and financial stability to seek treatment. 

I am grateful that I sit in an office with windows.

I am grateful that I have music to help get me through the day. 

Well this has been fun

The last two cycles have been a cluster to say the least. Last post I wrote about how IUI #2 was cancelled because the RE thought we had already missed ovulation...but I just couldn't believe it. I mean if I had tracked my period correctly (which I don't think I did) the ultrasound was day 10, if my period truly started on 12/13 then the ultrasound was day 6. How is it possible to ovulate prior to day 10, not to mention day 6. It just didn't make sense. Well must have been the case because AF was here again on 12/31 - Happy New Year to me!!!! Do the math there are only 18 days between periods. Now that's a short cycle, that's got to be an indication of something right? I haven't had a chance to discuss with the RE because I haven't been back since that botched ultrasound. 

If things over the holidays would've gone better then I would've gone in on Jan. 3 for a baseline ultrasound, but sadly and still shockingly my Grandmother passed away on Jan. 2 and I was out of town and couldn't/wouldn't/didn't even think about making my RE appointment. My sweet Grandma went into the hospital the day after Christmas and everyone was fully expecting her to be out by New Years...how fast things went in just over week is so shocking. We still had unwrapped presents for her under the Christmas tree. In addition to that Q had the flu for Christmas, came home Monday from school with a fever, visit to the Pediatrician on Christmas Eve and spent Christmas crying, whining, laying on the couch, generally miserable. He was sick for the entire week. In addition to that we had a major, major issue at work, requiring me to come in on my time off and even work on New Year's day. So while I was at work my Grandma was moved to hospice and I couldn't leave until the next afternoon to go see her, missing the last awake moments I could have had with her. I think it might be possible that the stress of all that brought on an early period...but who really knows these days. 

My Mom told me that at one point my Grandma told her that she was seeing little barefoot babies walking around, I asked Grandma if one of them was for me and if she saw them again could she send one my way because I've been trying really hard for one and that I had a lot of love for that little baby already. I know she is at peace and I'm happy to have another person up there on my side, but the finality of death never seems real to me. I have such a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that she really isn't here anymore. And on top of that I'm so sad, unbelievable sad that infertility robbed me of the opportunity to see her with another baby. That woman loved babies almost more than anything else and my son was the first great-grand child that she got to spend a significant amount of time with. The joy he brought her these last three years was a blessing and I wanted so bad to be able to do that again. She had said that she thought Q was the love of her life, she loved that little boy so much. She told me at the time I was pregnant with Q that she now had something to live for, maybe if I could've given her something else to live for she would still be here. But I couldn't. And now she's not here. And it's so unfair. If I would've gotten pregnant as easily as I didn't with Q then I would have a nearly 1 year old baby already. I hope she's up there pulling for me, I know she is and hopefully she will send me a special soul to love. 

So this cycle we are completely un-medicated since I couldn't make it for my baseline appointment. We are trying on our own, but I haven't felt like I've ovulated this cycle at all and I'm not at all hopeful. I feel like we've just lost more time basically being on hold these last two months. Two months feel like such a precious amount of time. This journey has felt like a million steps back and never one step forward and it's definitely starting to take its toll. I feel unbelievably out of control, I feel sad all the time, I snap at my  husband and my son and my dogs because I can't take out my anger or my hurt on my own stupid body and I don't know where else to put it. I feel so alone and hopeless and lost. 

And add to all that, that over the holidays I found out that my best friend from high school, who was diagnosed with PCOS when were teenagers,  was able to easily get pregnant. In fact she had already set up and went to a consultation with a RE, the whole time being pregnant and not knowing it. The one person in my real life that I thought would be able to relate was able to randomly ovulate and was lucky enough to have sex when that happened. And it's not that I'm not happy for her, I am so happy for her and she will be an amazing mother, but I'm so sad for myself. My heart is so hurt at this point I don't know where to go and I feel like not one person in my life truly understands.