Well this has been fun

The last two cycles have been a cluster to say the least. Last post I wrote about how IUI #2 was cancelled because the RE thought we had already missed ovulation...but I just couldn't believe it. I mean if I had tracked my period correctly (which I don't think I did) the ultrasound was day 10, if my period truly started on 12/13 then the ultrasound was day 6. How is it possible to ovulate prior to day 10, not to mention day 6. It just didn't make sense. Well must have been the case because AF was here again on 12/31 - Happy New Year to me!!!! Do the math there are only 18 days between periods. Now that's a short cycle, that's got to be an indication of something right? I haven't had a chance to discuss with the RE because I haven't been back since that botched ultrasound. 

If things over the holidays would've gone better then I would've gone in on Jan. 3 for a baseline ultrasound, but sadly and still shockingly my Grandmother passed away on Jan. 2 and I was out of town and couldn't/wouldn't/didn't even think about making my RE appointment. My sweet Grandma went into the hospital the day after Christmas and everyone was fully expecting her to be out by New Years...how fast things went in just over week is so shocking. We still had unwrapped presents for her under the Christmas tree. In addition to that Q had the flu for Christmas, came home Monday from school with a fever, visit to the Pediatrician on Christmas Eve and spent Christmas crying, whining, laying on the couch, generally miserable. He was sick for the entire week. In addition to that we had a major, major issue at work, requiring me to come in on my time off and even work on New Year's day. So while I was at work my Grandma was moved to hospice and I couldn't leave until the next afternoon to go see her, missing the last awake moments I could have had with her. I think it might be possible that the stress of all that brought on an early period...but who really knows these days. 

My Mom told me that at one point my Grandma told her that she was seeing little barefoot babies walking around, I asked Grandma if one of them was for me and if she saw them again could she send one my way because I've been trying really hard for one and that I had a lot of love for that little baby already. I know she is at peace and I'm happy to have another person up there on my side, but the finality of death never seems real to me. I have such a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that she really isn't here anymore. And on top of that I'm so sad, unbelievable sad that infertility robbed me of the opportunity to see her with another baby. That woman loved babies almost more than anything else and my son was the first great-grand child that she got to spend a significant amount of time with. The joy he brought her these last three years was a blessing and I wanted so bad to be able to do that again. She had said that she thought Q was the love of her life, she loved that little boy so much. She told me at the time I was pregnant with Q that she now had something to live for, maybe if I could've given her something else to live for she would still be here. But I couldn't. And now she's not here. And it's so unfair. If I would've gotten pregnant as easily as I didn't with Q then I would have a nearly 1 year old baby already. I hope she's up there pulling for me, I know she is and hopefully she will send me a special soul to love. 

So this cycle we are completely un-medicated since I couldn't make it for my baseline appointment. We are trying on our own, but I haven't felt like I've ovulated this cycle at all and I'm not at all hopeful. I feel like we've just lost more time basically being on hold these last two months. Two months feel like such a precious amount of time. This journey has felt like a million steps back and never one step forward and it's definitely starting to take its toll. I feel unbelievably out of control, I feel sad all the time, I snap at my  husband and my son and my dogs because I can't take out my anger or my hurt on my own stupid body and I don't know where else to put it. I feel so alone and hopeless and lost. 

And add to all that, that over the holidays I found out that my best friend from high school, who was diagnosed with PCOS when were teenagers,  was able to easily get pregnant. In fact she had already set up and went to a consultation with a RE, the whole time being pregnant and not knowing it. The one person in my real life that I thought would be able to relate was able to randomly ovulate and was lucky enough to have sex when that happened. And it's not that I'm not happy for her, I am so happy for her and she will be an amazing mother, but I'm so sad for myself. My heart is so hurt at this point I don't know where to go and I feel like not one person in my life truly understands.