Still Around

I haven't posted here in awhile, but I'm still around and still not pregnant. IUI #2.1 was a BFN and both IG and I took this one really hard. We both felt very optimistic this time around and I would have to say this was the hardest BFN to date. It was especially frustrating because my period was late (is this normal for IUI's?) by like 4 days.Every failure has been heartbreaking, but for some reason this one was worst than the others. I did break down and buy some FRER's and it is unbelievable the amount of anxiety I feel now every time I take a test. And it's the complete opposite of the type of anxiety I would've felt in my earlier life, which was anxiety over it being positive and now I have anxiety over it being negative. Like a serious sweaty, shaky mess waiting for the longest 3 minutes every to elapse. Which probably isn't healthy, but I've never been good at controlling my nerves. And this last failure has put me into a really negative head space, like I just don't feel like anything will work because both times our numbers have been good and it doesn't seem to matter. I know I need to think positive and I know that there is always (regardless of size) a chance that this month will be the month, but it's hard to stay positive after 22 failures in a row. It takes it's toll, you know?

So next steps are IUI #3, which is consequently tomorrow.  This is later than all my other IUI's. I went in on CD 9, same as last two attempts, only to see next to nothing happening in there. There was only 1 follicle of any significance and that was at 14mm- this was on Friday so triggered last night and will have IUI tomorrow morning. Which is an absolute bitch with my work schedule, Wednesday mornings are the mornings that are like crucial for me to be at work because I run a status meeting presented to my entire program and asking someone to cover it is a real pain. Especially asking someone to cover it without going into much detail around why I need them to cover it. But I'll make it work, because I have to and I don't want to miss the entire month because of 1 stupid meeting.

At first I didn't even want to go forward with a third IUI, I was convinced it would be a wast of time and money (maybe I'll be wrong, maybe I won't), so I initially called in and asked if we could move onto something more aggressive.Apparently that requires a consult with the RE and apparently he books those weeks in advance. So I immediately scheduled the consult, which was today, and agreed to move forward with the IUI cycle. Yeah a lot has happened since the last time I posted here, but I think the break did me good. I felt sadder for a lot longer this time around and I needed the space and time to feel that and deal with it and move on.

So IFV consult was today and we were all in agreement that if this doesn't work then next step is IVF, we also agreed that a lap surgery, while might give us some answers, wouldn't really be fruitful. Assuming the lap comes back positive, I'm not sure we would do anything to treat what is found there as IVF bypasses most areas impacted by endo. And in my opinion it just adds additional time into our timeline. And the RE thinks there is only about a 15% chance that the lap would come back positive anyways, so with those odds I say move forward. RE was pushing for a two month break between this IUI and IVF because he said sometimes the body bounces back after re-setting from all the fertility drugs and people have gotten pregnant during those types of breaks. July marks two years of trying for us, so I really wasn't interested in wasting anymore time, but I did agree to a one month break in between. With that schedule we are looking at mid-late May for egg retrieval and egg transfer. Nurse is getting my IVF packet ready so that I can start filling out all the necessary paperwork and get all the necessary blood work. The RE gave us an estimate of about $11,000 all in per IVF cycle. Luckily my insurance will cover at least 80% of that (100% as soon as I meet the out of pocket maximum, which I should after this first cycle). I'm not sure however if they will cover the estimated $3,000 to $3,500 for meds. They didn't cover my trigger shots, so who knows, but I'll have time to figure it all out before we get started. We are fortunate enough to not only have insurance coverage, but to also be in a pretty financially stable point in our lives, so while it will suck to pay that mount of money it won't bankrupt us.

That's where we are. I'm nervous about IVF and don't want to have to do it, but I'm not optimistic that this last IUI or a break cycle will get me anywhere. Universe feel free to prove me wrong at anytime.