The Journey

I know that eventually my journey will end. I hope and pray that the end is near and that it's the end that I desire, but I know that either way at some point my journey will come to an end. Because they always do and then a new journey will start. Be that adoption or accepting life as a family of three. Right now is the hard part because I'm in the middle and the middle feels like moving forward without actually getting anywhere. It feels like walking on quick sand and sinking or being locked in a room alone with no way out. This is the hardest journey I've ever been on in my life to date and it's made especially hard by the feeling of failing constantly, of trying and getting nowhere, of hoping and always being let down, of being alone and lost and scared and sad, sometimes so very, very sad.

As I've mentioned before we are unexplained, there is no obvious reason why we can't conceive, highlighted by the fact that we were able to easily conceive Q. For me I think the journey would be easier, even if it was exactly the same, if I had some reason why we were going through it. Something concrete that I could point my finger at and direct my anger towards and blame for all the frustration and heartache and let down. But I don't. I have no explanation and so I take all those feelings and internalize them, knowing full well how dangerous that is. But I don't know what else to do.

We've changed the treatment plan for this cycle. I've decided I want to be more aggressive for a few a reasons: 1. It's been 5 months since I first met with the RE and I'm no farther along then I was 5 months ago, no closer to answers or pregnancy 2. I'm unexplained so basically we are on the generic one size fits all treatment plan 3. I have some insurance coverage and cost is not really a factor for us so I don't want nor need a slower paced plan due to lower cost options. So after 2 failed cycles of clomid plus timed intercourse we  are going to give IUI a try this month. I start clomid again on Saturday and then have my  ultrasound scheduled for next Friday - I usually ovulate around day 11 or 12 so hopefully we will be looking at doing insemination before Thanksgiving. The scheduling is a little difficult around the holidays, but I need to try something new. And I'm nervous because every time I've had some type of Dr's appointment or change my cycle has been a bit off and I feel like we are racing the clock being that I will ovulate at some point during Thanksgiving week and if it's on Thanksgiving then I'm likely out for this cycle.

I've also personally decided that I will try at most 3 IUI's and at most 3 fresh IVF cycles - if at that point we still aren't pregnant then it's time to end this journey with fertility treatments and decide where to go from there. I know that is still a lot of treatment and time in front of us, but I needed an end I could wrap my head around. The ability to know that we won't be in this forever, that this journey does have an end one way or another. Until then I continue to hope and pray for the end that includes a baby.