So I started this blog because I was having a bad day and just needed to get some thoughts out and I haven't come back to it since. I walk this line of wanting to share and fear of what sharing means and what others will think. My journey of expanding my family is a longer and harder road then I thought it would be and so my goal is to track it here and hopefully find some release from getting things out. Maybe I'll keep this just to myself or maybe I'll advertise it, who knows, but for now it's a place for me to collect my thoughts and track my journey.
Today I am on CD 6 of cycle 14 month 12. So for those of you who are outside the sphere of trying to conceive that means my period started 6 days ago, I have had 14 periods in 1 year and not one positive pregnancy test. My cycles are typically between 24-26 days, so I therefore have had some months with 2 cycles. I have temp'd, used OPK's, started taking pre-natals and folic acid and evening primrose oil. IG starting taking vitamins aimed at male fertility and still nothing. None of it has helped. I've stopped buying pregnancy tests because they are just a waste of money and I can't stomach anymore stark white negative tests. My mind finds that dark space that says I'll never see another positive test again. It's exhausting and frustrating and sad, those days are very very sad. And we so we've decided to move forward with fertility testing. I called my OB GYN last month and have started/scheduled the first round of tests and so far everything is coming back normal which is more devastating then finding something wrong. If everything is normal then how come I'm not pregnant? A diagnosis of unexplained infertility scares me more than anything else because how do you even make a treatment plan for that?
So far I've had 7dpo blood work done - everything is normal. IG had an SA done - everything is "perfect" (nurses words) and on Wednesday I have an HSG scheduled. For those who are not familiar with infertility an HSG is a test in which the Dr will insert dye into my uterus using a catheter to make sure my tubes are open and that there are no obvious abnormalities with my uterus. I feel 95% confident that everything is going to look fine and I'm 100% confident that this is going to be agonizing to hear. My OB does do some treatment in her office, but I have decided that when this done I'm going to be requesting a referral to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). I really like my OB, she's my favorite by far of all the ones I've had in my life but I need more answers and knowledge then what she can provide. She's not a specialist and her stance has been "we know it works" since I have Q already - but that's not good enough for me anymore. I've waited 14 cycles to seek any type of testing/treatment and I'm ready to move forward. I feel like we've just been stuck in this cycle of taking life 2 weeks at a time. And I know that is going to continue until I get pregnant, but I'm ready to do everything it takes to make that happen.
When we started this journey to expand our family I was so naive. I honestly believed that because it happened so easily the first time that it would happen so easily the next time. I never thought it would be possible to be infertile and didn't even know that a thing called secondary infertility existed. But it does and it looks like I fall into that category. As of right now it looks like I'm headed down the road to unexplained infertility and for me that is so discouraging because if we don't know what is wrong how do we know how to fix it? How do we know how to treat it? How do we know we won't just be throwing are money away on treatments that will get us nowhere? All of this is why I want to see a RE - I know this means more tests and more time and more money, but hopefully it'll also mean more answers and more encouragement and more hope.
This has been a real struggle. It's been hard for me because I feel the shame of infertility, I feel the guilt for disliking every.single.pregnant.lady that I see and that even translates into new tiny babies. I'm having a hard time letting go of the family I imagined in my head - the one with siblings closer in age. One of the hardest things for me is to look at Q and know what an amazing big brother he would be and to feel the disappointment in myself that I haven't been able to give that gift to him. And in the spirit of honesty, it's been hard on our marriage. It's very stressful for us and for me in particular and stress doesn't always manifest itself with me in healthy ways and I get sad or angry and lash out at Q or the dogs or IG and it's hard to go through that cycle for a year and to not know when it might end. So I'm looking for ways to help reduce this in myself, taking time alone, starting back with yoga, mediating and visualizing and looking into counseling because there are just some things we can work through on our own.
I'm not really nervous about the HSG on Wednesday...more annoyed really because it's schedule over a weekly meeting that I lead at work and I have to find someone to cover for me. On top of that I have to figure out what to say about why I'll be late to work. It's not a big deal for me to be out for a Dr's appointment, but my boss always asks if everything is ok and I answer with a yes, but it just feel awkward for me. Especially because he knows I wouldn't normally be out on Wednesday mornings because of the meeting. I'm likely over thinking it, but it makes me uncomfortable regardless. I know I'm silly that I'm more uncomfortable with thought of having to say I'm out for a Dr's appointment then I am with the thought of having dye injected into my uterus. I get that this is not normal, but there you have it.
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