Literally this process is making me crazy. I know I said this before, but I never thought time could go so slow. I have my next appointment tomorrow morning to check E2 levels and do an ultrasound and this day has felt like an entire week it is moving so slow. Like seriously I still have at least a whole other week to go before the ER. I'm so nervous/anxious/crazy that my stomach is upset, I don't feel like eating and thoughts of concentrating are out the window. I can only focus on this one thing. I don't feel anything yet from the stims, so I have to google that, I start thinking about my AFC so I have to google that, I'm worried about the stim medication I'm taking (cause did I mention I don't feel anything) so I have to google that. I have decided Google and the Internet are evil, evil things and I wish they were never invented. I need a distraction, but unfortunately my job requires me to sit at a computer with the internet at my finger tips all day long. I mean who can resist that type of temptation. Not this girl, that's for sure.
My brain is on constant loop of:
What if I'm not responding?
What if my numbers are bad?
What if they want to cancel my cycle?
What if everything is good?
What if this doesn't work....what if this doesn't work.....what if this doesn't work
I've never felt so stuck in my life. I've never felt so crazy in my life. I've never been so invested in the outcome of anything in my life.
I want to think in terms of this summer when I'm pregnant. On vacation when I'm pregnant. Next fall at our friends wedding when I'm pregnant. Next summer when we have a new baby or babies. Every time I start down that path my brain shuts me down, my emotions shut me down, my heart shuts me down. It feels so risky to hope, to believe that this could actually work. It all feels like a farce. This can't be real life, can it?
I've never been good dealing with the unknown. I plan vacations at least 6 months in advance and I have no control over the schedule of my immediate future. It's making me insane...potentially the hormonal enhancing drugs I'm on have something to do with this crazy feeling, potentially. But turns out knowing that and actually knowing that are two very different things.
This is my journey and I have to accept that. So let me repeat....Peace. Patience. Acceptance. Surrender. Hope. Faith. Love. Intention.
Peace with the situation, it is what it is and being crazy won't change it
Patience with the process, everything has a timeline, which means all things have an ending
Acceptance that this is the journey that I need to take in order to call this child into my life
Surrender to the process, I've done what I can to help my body along, but at this point its out of my hands
Hope that this will have a positive outcome and if not that we still have options in front of us
Faith that this child will come into my life at the exact moment it is supposed to and that this is the exact journey I need to be on at this exact moment in my life
Love unconditional for the family I have and the family that I will have
Intention for the child that will be, we are following a path that very intentionally calls a child into this world, there is no question that this child is wanted and loved
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Monday, May 19, 2014
Stims Day 3
Today is my third day of stims and so far....not as easy as I thought. I had my baseline last Thursday and my anterior follicle count was I think around 12 and my E2 level came back at 5. Nurse said they want the number below 80, but man that is really below 80 and of course Dr. Google can't give me any explanation or examples of this being good or bad. I did find that above 80 means that there would be some concern with diminished ovarian reserve, so does that mean my reserve is really good? Feels like it just means I have a longer way to go to get to an acceptable number with stims, but I have no control over this, my body either will or will not respond to the medicine and since this is our first time through it there is no way to tell until there is more blood work and ultrasounds. Patience.
At the baseline appointment Dr. Williams decided to up my dose to 3 vials (225 IU) daily of Bravelle starting Saturday instead of doing the first 3 days with only 2 vials (150 IU). So I've been doing 1 vial in the morning and 2 and in the evening. Stims are definitely a little harder than the Lupron. I starting doing the Lupron in my legs just to give my belly a bit of a break and so far that has been going pretty good, all though this morning I did get a bleeder, but the 5 units is super easy, it's such a small amount of medicine. It is much harder to do the Bravelle with an actual syringe instead of the insulin syringes. It's hard to manage the needle, switch hands and stuff and then it's harder to push it in because it's an actual syringe and there is a lot more medicine then with the Lupron. Plus, the medicine stings going in, so the needle won't hurt going in, but as soon as I start injecting the medicine it starts stinging so that's not a lot of fun. And the areas where it goes are a lot more sore, I'm guessing because the needle is in there for a longer period of time because it takes longer to get the medicine in. Overall, it's a little harder than I thought it would be. I tried to do the stims like the Lupron at first and that was a mistake, definitely can't do it one handed and I had to learn that lesson with a very sore spot on my belly. Which in turn limits my places even more.
Next appointment is Wednesday morning and I'm anxiously awaiting it, can't wait to see how I am responding to the medicine. I've already starting getting head aches and hot flashes, but haven't felt too bloated yet (my pants still fit comfortably, but my belly does look a little bigger). I don't feel anything happening in there so that makes me anxious about nothing happening.
If everything is moving along like it should then ER should be next week. Here's hoping that Wednesday gets here fast and that things are going in the right direction.
At the baseline appointment Dr. Williams decided to up my dose to 3 vials (225 IU) daily of Bravelle starting Saturday instead of doing the first 3 days with only 2 vials (150 IU). So I've been doing 1 vial in the morning and 2 and in the evening. Stims are definitely a little harder than the Lupron. I starting doing the Lupron in my legs just to give my belly a bit of a break and so far that has been going pretty good, all though this morning I did get a bleeder, but the 5 units is super easy, it's such a small amount of medicine. It is much harder to do the Bravelle with an actual syringe instead of the insulin syringes. It's hard to manage the needle, switch hands and stuff and then it's harder to push it in because it's an actual syringe and there is a lot more medicine then with the Lupron. Plus, the medicine stings going in, so the needle won't hurt going in, but as soon as I start injecting the medicine it starts stinging so that's not a lot of fun. And the areas where it goes are a lot more sore, I'm guessing because the needle is in there for a longer period of time because it takes longer to get the medicine in. Overall, it's a little harder than I thought it would be. I tried to do the stims like the Lupron at first and that was a mistake, definitely can't do it one handed and I had to learn that lesson with a very sore spot on my belly. Which in turn limits my places even more.
Next appointment is Wednesday morning and I'm anxiously awaiting it, can't wait to see how I am responding to the medicine. I've already starting getting head aches and hot flashes, but haven't felt too bloated yet (my pants still fit comfortably, but my belly does look a little bigger). I don't feel anything happening in there so that makes me anxious about nothing happening.
If everything is moving along like it should then ER should be next week. Here's hoping that Wednesday gets here fast and that things are going in the right direction.
Monday, May 12, 2014
No but seriously...
The waiting is the worst part, the absolute worst part. I'm not sure how it is possible for time to slow down so much, like it feels like it's basically stopped. And I'm not talking about the 2WW folks, I'm still just waiting to start stims and then waiting for the ER. I have finished with the birth control and now I"m just doing Lupron every morning and I keep trying to tell myself one more week, then 10 more days (hoping I only stim for 10 days) because that sounds better than 17 or more days before ER. That feels like a lifetime. Almost an entire month left to go! So I think one more week, then 10 more days. Hoping that after this week ends those 10 days will fly by. I have a Dr's appointment this Thursday to check E2 levels and do an ultrasound and then start stims on Saturday. I.Just.Need.To.Make.It.To.Saturday....without going crazy.
It feels like the second week of the 2WW. I'm completely distracted at work, I can't concentrate, I look at the calendar and message boards multiple times a day, like that will make time go faster. And to top things off, this week is going to be less crazy then a typical week because Q is done with every activity except soccer at this point. So that means I only have to run around like a crazy person today and then I have nothing else to distract me for the rest of the week.
I don't think I would be remiss to say that the waiting is the worst part. It's worse then the shots, its worse then the idea of that 1&1/2 needle going into my ass, it's worse than worrying about the amount and quality of eggs or what the retrieval will be like. Because it's waiting and waiting for all of that to happen while feeling like I'm accomplishing nothing, without knowing if things are on track or what the schedule will be. And obsessing over the timeline every second of the day just makes the day go slower. But I don't know how to stop my mind, obviously. Just one more week and then 10 more days....I can do it.
It feels like the second week of the 2WW. I'm completely distracted at work, I can't concentrate, I look at the calendar and message boards multiple times a day, like that will make time go faster. And to top things off, this week is going to be less crazy then a typical week because Q is done with every activity except soccer at this point. So that means I only have to run around like a crazy person today and then I have nothing else to distract me for the rest of the week.
I don't think I would be remiss to say that the waiting is the worst part. It's worse then the shots, its worse then the idea of that 1&1/2 needle going into my ass, it's worse than worrying about the amount and quality of eggs or what the retrieval will be like. Because it's waiting and waiting for all of that to happen while feeling like I'm accomplishing nothing, without knowing if things are on track or what the schedule will be. And obsessing over the timeline every second of the day just makes the day go slower. But I don't know how to stop my mind, obviously. Just one more week and then 10 more days....I can do it.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Done....
With mandatory counselling session
With the injection class, I now know how to mix the Bravelle and what to expect with PIO
With birth control pills
7 more days until ultrasound and blood work
9 more days until stims
.......waiting, waiting, waiting.
With the injection class, I now know how to mix the Bravelle and what to expect with PIO
With birth control pills
7 more days until ultrasound and blood work
9 more days until stims
.......waiting, waiting, waiting.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Making Progress...
2 more days of birth control.
1 more day until our injection class.
10 more days until the first baseline ultrasound and blood work.
12 more days until starting stims.
15 more days until increasing stims.
~23 more days before egg retrieval.
~28 more days before embryo transfer.
I have been on Lupron for 6 days now and so far, not too bad. The first day I was super nervous to give myself the shot. Shaking before and shaking after. But honestly the amount and length of pain is about the same as plucking an eyebrow, so I can handle this. And then on Saturday I was like this doesn't even hurt, I must becoming an expert...spoken too soon. This morning and Sunday both, shots were a little more painful and both of them bled (I wasn't bleeding before then). And today I notice a tiny bruise where I did my shot this morning. Not sure if I'm just repeating or potentially too close to already used locations or if I'm holding the needle different or what. It's so hard to tell (well not today's injection site) where the injection sites are because prior to this they've been super tiny red dots that I really have to search for. I guess over the course of the next few weeks I'll figure out which locations are better, for example the one farther down on my belly seemed to hurt worse then if I stayed closer to the more fatty tissue. Or maybe I need to start marking the spots with a band aid, even if I'm not bleeding, just so I can know which areas to avoid.
Side effects haven't been too bad, had a headache yesterday but that could've been related to the busy weekend. No hot flashes yet, but I would assume they are coming as this was my most intense side effect with clomid and no increased urination or anything like that. I am starting to experience some constipation......TMI WARNING...skip down if you don't want to read about poop........I'm fairly regular, unless there is some big change in my schedule, for some reason that seems to impact me. But the past few days I've been pretty backed up. Took three days of lots of effort to finally poop on Saturday and I didn't fully realize how heavy my belly felt until I was able to get it out. Haven't had another BM since then, so asked IG to get me some colace today....looks like I'm going to need it. I've been trying to increase fiber naturally in my diet as well, like eating more bran and making sure to increase the amount of green vegetables and my daily intake of water. But if every three days I have to go through what I went through on Saturday this is going to be an exhausting next few weeks. Not to say it's not worth it, but man I didn't think it would kick in so soon.
I know that things will start to move along, but still feel like we are just chugging along. I scheduled it out so that we have/have had an appointment, for various things, at least once a week. Makes me feel like things are moving along. Funny how before all this I would've been annoyed to have to go to the Dr once a week. Annoyed to what it would do to my schedule. Now I'm anxious for the interruption in schedule. Last week we had our mandatory counseling session. Felt pretty standard and cookie cutter (this is required by my clinic for anyone undergoing IVF...not sure if it's the same everywhere). The counselor basically asked for our "story", then sympathized with us, asked us who we had to lean for support, asked us how we felt about twins, talked about the injections and the retrieval and the transfer, talked about the 2WW and how long it seems and asked us if we've thought about what to do with our embryos if we have enough to freeze some. She also answered the phone twice, once her cell phone which she excused herself to the hallway and once her office phone. Felt like she was distracted and really only going through the motions. We didn't even use up the full hour. So not really sure I would reach back out to her again if I felt like I needed to talk to someone, but I don't really feel like I do so who knows.
Tomorrow night we have our injection class. It lasts for two hours in the evening so my Mom is coming down to stay to Q, make him dinner, etc. And then next week we have the first of however many ultrasound and blood work appointments. I think at that point things will really start to pick up. Two days after that appointment we start stims. Which is also the same day as Race for the Cure, which is something we do every year. I have family coming to stay with us, so hopefully going from 1 injection a day to 3 will be a smooth transition because we have a lot going on that weekend. And then really from that point it's just another 10 or so days until the retrieval.
IG and I have decided that if we have the choice we will put back 2 embryos. Even though I'm sure the RE will recommend to only go for one. But we've discussed it and we are comfortable with the possibility of twins and if we put back 1 and it doesn't take, I'll feel like I didn't do everything I could have. And really I'd rather go this once and end up with 2, then go through this twice to end up with 1. I'm trying not to think much about how many eggs are retrieved or fertilized, because at this point there isn't anything additional I can do about it. In addition to PNV, I've been taking Vitamin D, CoQ10, Folic Acid and Melatonin. I've been working on changing my diet and removing all plastic from my kitchen as well as trying to limit my exposure to Phthalates. So really I'm just trying to relax and ride the ride without stressing too much, because I'm doing what I can and the rest is out of my hands.
We've been making progress with our IVF cycle, but I also think I've been making a lot of emotional progress. This past weekend was a big one for me. My best friend from childhood had her baby shower this weekend and another of our childhood friends had a baby this weekend. I was able to attend the shower, where there was an adorable 3 month old baby, and not feel bad about it. I was able to be excited for my friend and excited to hold and play with the baby. I didn't feel guarded or sad or upset by any of it. I was also able to visit my other friend in the hospital and meet her brand new baby girl. It felt precious to be there and hold that tiny baby and I felt happy to see her and her husband revel in the joy of their new baby. My friend and I visited her together and as we were leaving the hospital, I told my her that seeing and holding that baby made my uterus ache, but not in the I'm gonna go home and hide under the sheets and cry way, but in a I can't wait to do this again way. And that's progress and I think it's important to recognize that. Later that night I went to yoga and felt more open to the practice then almost any other time before. I felt happy and content and satisfied, even though I had just spend the weekend surrounded by things that I don't have and desperately want. For the first time since starting this journey I was truly able to participate in others joys without feeling overwhelmed by my own sorrow. They say in spirituality that you are truly done with something when it no longer effects you. I'm not sure I'm 100% there yet, but I feel like I just got a whole lot closer.
1 more day until our injection class.
10 more days until the first baseline ultrasound and blood work.
12 more days until starting stims.
15 more days until increasing stims.
~23 more days before egg retrieval.
~28 more days before embryo transfer.
I have been on Lupron for 6 days now and so far, not too bad. The first day I was super nervous to give myself the shot. Shaking before and shaking after. But honestly the amount and length of pain is about the same as plucking an eyebrow, so I can handle this. And then on Saturday I was like this doesn't even hurt, I must becoming an expert...spoken too soon. This morning and Sunday both, shots were a little more painful and both of them bled (I wasn't bleeding before then). And today I notice a tiny bruise where I did my shot this morning. Not sure if I'm just repeating or potentially too close to already used locations or if I'm holding the needle different or what. It's so hard to tell (well not today's injection site) where the injection sites are because prior to this they've been super tiny red dots that I really have to search for. I guess over the course of the next few weeks I'll figure out which locations are better, for example the one farther down on my belly seemed to hurt worse then if I stayed closer to the more fatty tissue. Or maybe I need to start marking the spots with a band aid, even if I'm not bleeding, just so I can know which areas to avoid.
Side effects haven't been too bad, had a headache yesterday but that could've been related to the busy weekend. No hot flashes yet, but I would assume they are coming as this was my most intense side effect with clomid and no increased urination or anything like that. I am starting to experience some constipation......TMI WARNING...skip down if you don't want to read about poop........I'm fairly regular, unless there is some big change in my schedule, for some reason that seems to impact me. But the past few days I've been pretty backed up. Took three days of lots of effort to finally poop on Saturday and I didn't fully realize how heavy my belly felt until I was able to get it out. Haven't had another BM since then, so asked IG to get me some colace today....looks like I'm going to need it. I've been trying to increase fiber naturally in my diet as well, like eating more bran and making sure to increase the amount of green vegetables and my daily intake of water. But if every three days I have to go through what I went through on Saturday this is going to be an exhausting next few weeks. Not to say it's not worth it, but man I didn't think it would kick in so soon.
I know that things will start to move along, but still feel like we are just chugging along. I scheduled it out so that we have/have had an appointment, for various things, at least once a week. Makes me feel like things are moving along. Funny how before all this I would've been annoyed to have to go to the Dr once a week. Annoyed to what it would do to my schedule. Now I'm anxious for the interruption in schedule. Last week we had our mandatory counseling session. Felt pretty standard and cookie cutter (this is required by my clinic for anyone undergoing IVF...not sure if it's the same everywhere). The counselor basically asked for our "story", then sympathized with us, asked us who we had to lean for support, asked us how we felt about twins, talked about the injections and the retrieval and the transfer, talked about the 2WW and how long it seems and asked us if we've thought about what to do with our embryos if we have enough to freeze some. She also answered the phone twice, once her cell phone which she excused herself to the hallway and once her office phone. Felt like she was distracted and really only going through the motions. We didn't even use up the full hour. So not really sure I would reach back out to her again if I felt like I needed to talk to someone, but I don't really feel like I do so who knows.
Tomorrow night we have our injection class. It lasts for two hours in the evening so my Mom is coming down to stay to Q, make him dinner, etc. And then next week we have the first of however many ultrasound and blood work appointments. I think at that point things will really start to pick up. Two days after that appointment we start stims. Which is also the same day as Race for the Cure, which is something we do every year. I have family coming to stay with us, so hopefully going from 1 injection a day to 3 will be a smooth transition because we have a lot going on that weekend. And then really from that point it's just another 10 or so days until the retrieval.
IG and I have decided that if we have the choice we will put back 2 embryos. Even though I'm sure the RE will recommend to only go for one. But we've discussed it and we are comfortable with the possibility of twins and if we put back 1 and it doesn't take, I'll feel like I didn't do everything I could have. And really I'd rather go this once and end up with 2, then go through this twice to end up with 1. I'm trying not to think much about how many eggs are retrieved or fertilized, because at this point there isn't anything additional I can do about it. In addition to PNV, I've been taking Vitamin D, CoQ10, Folic Acid and Melatonin. I've been working on changing my diet and removing all plastic from my kitchen as well as trying to limit my exposure to Phthalates. So really I'm just trying to relax and ride the ride without stressing too much, because I'm doing what I can and the rest is out of my hands.
We've been making progress with our IVF cycle, but I also think I've been making a lot of emotional progress. This past weekend was a big one for me. My best friend from childhood had her baby shower this weekend and another of our childhood friends had a baby this weekend. I was able to attend the shower, where there was an adorable 3 month old baby, and not feel bad about it. I was able to be excited for my friend and excited to hold and play with the baby. I didn't feel guarded or sad or upset by any of it. I was also able to visit my other friend in the hospital and meet her brand new baby girl. It felt precious to be there and hold that tiny baby and I felt happy to see her and her husband revel in the joy of their new baby. My friend and I visited her together and as we were leaving the hospital, I told my her that seeing and holding that baby made my uterus ache, but not in the I'm gonna go home and hide under the sheets and cry way, but in a I can't wait to do this again way. And that's progress and I think it's important to recognize that. Later that night I went to yoga and felt more open to the practice then almost any other time before. I felt happy and content and satisfied, even though I had just spend the weekend surrounded by things that I don't have and desperately want. For the first time since starting this journey I was truly able to participate in others joys without feeling overwhelmed by my own sorrow. They say in spirituality that you are truly done with something when it no longer effects you. I'm not sure I'm 100% there yet, but I feel like I just got a whole lot closer.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Let's Get This Party Started
We are finally into our first IVF cycle and even though we are on the road it still feels like we are moving at an impossibly slow pace. I am on day 12 of birth control pills and start Lupron injections on Wednesday. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I'm excited to get started and starting the Lupron feels like an actual start, but I'm nervous about all this not working. My prevailing thought is that this has a greater chance of working than not working....I'm just trying to hold onto that thought.
Here's how our schedule lines up so far:
- April 15: CD 1
- April 17: Start BCP and antibiotics
- April 21: RE appointment to get calendar and have mock transfer
- April 23: Last antibiotic
- April 25: Meds delivered - Lupron, Bravelle, PIO, Novarel, Minocin, Zofran - plus 165 needles, plus a prescription for Xanax to be filled
- April 30: Start Lupron 10 units every morning
- May 1: Mandatory IVF counselling session
- May 6: Mandatory injection class
- May 7: Last BCP
- May 8-10: Potential period start
- May 15: Baseline B/W and ultrasound
- May 17: Decrease Lupron to 5 units, start Bravelle - 1 vial in the morning & evening
- May 20: Increase Bravelle to 2 vials in the evening
- May 21: B/W and ultrasound
- May 22-26: Possible B/W and ultrasounds, to be scheduled on demand
- May 28: Probable ER - Start POI
- June 2: Probable ET
- June 11: Probable Beta
Of course dates there towards the end are subject to change based on how I'm responding to the medicine, so really May 15 onward it's on demand scheduling. I was told to expect to take day of retrieval and following day off, as well as, bed rest day of and after transfer. I plan to take the entire 5-7 days off work depending on how the schedule works out. I think that will just be easier to manage.
It's hard to imagine that we are here and when I really sit down and think about it I can't believe we are to this point. This past weekend my brother and sister-in-law came to visit with their kids and I was explaining to my SIL all the medicine I had and what the schedule looked like etc and my nephew said to me "What do you have cancer or something?" And he's right there is so much to this whole process, Dr appointments, medicines, injections and treatments. I know it's been said before in this community, but I think others really don't truly understand that this is in fact a major medical event that is happening in my life. And I am by no means comparing my infertility to cancer, this is of course not life threatening. That being said it doesn't make it any less medically impactful to my life.
I also just want to take a moment and state how grateful I am for the insurance coverage that I have. My insurance hasn't also been the easiest to work with and has processed the large majority of my claims incorrectly. I've spent a lot of time on the phone with them battling about deductibles and what is and isn't covered by my plan. But for IVF the coverage is really amazing and I have to take a moment and feel the gratitude I have for that. For this IVF cycle we've had to pay less than a thousand dollars out of pocket ($638 to the RE, $23 for B/W, $175 frozen sperm sample, $30 for non-specialty prescriptions and $120 for medication). I know a lot of couples going through this have no or limited coverage and I can't imagine having to make that decision between perusing treatment or not because of the financial impact. That shouldn't even have to be a factor. So while I may have complained about my insurance, and they certainly have caused me heartburn in the past, I am nothing but grateful for the coverage that is provided by my employer and my insurance.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Gratitude Journal #4
Today.....I am grateful for my insurance coverage and the job that provides it for me.
I am grateful for the joy that Q has brought to my life.
I am grateful that it is not raining.
I am grateful for my ability to analyze, organize and procrastinate.
I am grateful that today was warm enough that I could wear a skirt.
I am grateful that we have the means and ability to do IVF.
I am grateful for the information I have gained from the book I'm reading.
I am grateful for the practice of yoga and the calm and peace it has brought into my life.
I am grateful for the joy that Q has brought to my life.
I am grateful that it is not raining.
I am grateful for my ability to analyze, organize and procrastinate.
I am grateful that today was warm enough that I could wear a skirt.
I am grateful that we have the means and ability to do IVF.
I am grateful for the information I have gained from the book I'm reading.
I am grateful for the practice of yoga and the calm and peace it has brought into my life.
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