Well IUI #1 was a bust. I started what I guess is my period on Monday. I say I guess my period because it is the lightest period I have ever had in all my years of having a period. There is definitely blood and a small amount is bright red, but it's not enough to soak a tampon, I probably could even get away with a liner. I usually have at least 1 day of very heavy flow with lots of clots (TMI, I'm sorry!). This period is so light that I was even questioning if it was my period and had IG go out and buy me a test this morning before starting the clomid just in case (I'm a non-tester, a wait for AF kinda gal). But the test was stark white as per usual so this must be it. I have read that taking clomid can shorten and change your period, but this was a bit unexpected. It's hard to even track days because now I'm like was Monday really day 1, is this just spotting and day 1 is yet to come?? I hate that through all this I can't trust my body anymore and I second guess everything. Infertility really and truly makes one crazy in so many ways.
Regardless there is some blood so I decided to go ahead and take the clomid and just count myself as lucky to have a light, non-painful period. And hope that it doesn't mean that something else is going on in there. My ultrasound for IUI #2 is schedule for next Wednesday afternoon. My RE is out next week, but luckily they will let me see another Dr in the practice so I don't have to wait a whole month. I also had to remind the nurse that I need to come in on day 10 for the ultrasound because I ovulate on day 11 or 12, I mean I get they see a lot of people, but shouldn't you pull up and review my information before calling me back? This clinic has the highest success rates in my area, but I really don't feel like they pay good attention - so it's a good thing I do.
If my body stays on schedule IUI will probably be next Friday and then the 2ww will fall right at Christmas time which will be torture. Especially because I have one friend coming home who just had a baby and one that is just recently pregnant with her third - that she didn't even want or has room for in her house. But I'm not bitter or anything.
Hopefully this one will take, but this is a hard one for me because if it does take then the due date would be very close to Q's birthday. And I didn't really want that, in fact this time last year we avoided this month for that exact reason. Funny how different my thinking was last year compared to this year. Last year we were only 6 months into this journey now we are 18 months and 20 cycles in and at this point I don't really care when I get pregnant I just want to get pregnant again. So I hope this one will take and if not we will give IUI one more shot before moving onto something more aggressive. I know patience is the name of the game, but mine is really starting to wear thin.
In other news, we just got back yesterday from my brother-in-laws college graduation and I leave tomorrow early morning for Chicago. IG is coming to meet me on Friday to spend the weekend because we need to get away for a bit, but I hate hate hate leaving Q. I'm not even gone yet and I already miss him. I know we need to get away for our sanity, but it makes me sad. I never want to leave him. We get back on Sunday and then on Tuesday I have to fly down to Atlanta for the day. It's only a day trip, but it's first flight out last flight back so it makes for a long day. I am certainly thankful that my cycle worked in a way that all this travel didn't interfere, but it will be a miracle if I make it to Christmas without collapsing from exhaustion. Luckily I have the week of Christmas off - which will be the first week of the 2ww wait so I just need to make it to next Friday. I can do it, I can do it!
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Infertility Brain
Infertility brain is a tricky, mostly nasty side effect of infertility. It makes me believe that I will never be pregnant again. It makes me question every decision I've made over the past 2 years. It makes me crazy for half of every month with worry. It takes me on a constant loop of hope to despair to hope. It's also recently convinced me to think that twins would be an exciting development. Everyone who is currently under fertility treatments or has done them in the past knows that the chance of multiples is increased due to the medication and treatments. The percentage increase depends on the type of medication and treatment, of course if you're doing IVF and you transfer two blasts then you know your chances are higher. Or if you do IUI with multiple follicles then your chances are higher.
We had two very mature follicles for our IUI, so there is a slightly higher percentage that we could end up with twins or more (imagine if both took and split and there where 4! - which is very unlikely but also a bit scary). It's all I can think about this week. What if we have twins? And I'm not scared, I'm excited by the thought and that's just crazy talk right there. Infertility brain. I'm so desperate for one baby that the thought of two is thrilling. Honestly the thought of pregnancy at this point is thrilling. But I know how hard one baby is, I really can't imagine how hard two would be. Q was a calm baby as long as he was being held - and he only wanted to be held by me. Still to this day he prefers me for all things. And while I revel in that and know that it won't always be this way - it's exhausting. It's hard to always be the only one who can brush his teeth or snuggle him in the morning or pick out his cloths or give him a bath or get him into and out of his car seat or pick him up or drop him off at school. Imagine that times two. I can't. I can't wrap my brain around it, which is probably why the thought of twins is still an exciting possibility to me.
I have no pregnancy tests in my house or else I would've tested by now. I'm about 4 days away from knowing if this worked or not, my period should be here by Monday if it's coming. This second week of the 2WW is a killer. I've been so distracted, haven't been able to concentrate at work or at anything else really. Only thinking about how I don't feel pregnant and will we have time to do another IUI before Christmas and would I do a third or move straight to IVF. I am hungry a lot, but that's normal before AF as well. And I did lose like 3 pounds and I haven't done anything different, other than worry.
We had two very mature follicles for our IUI, so there is a slightly higher percentage that we could end up with twins or more (imagine if both took and split and there where 4! - which is very unlikely but also a bit scary). It's all I can think about this week. What if we have twins? And I'm not scared, I'm excited by the thought and that's just crazy talk right there. Infertility brain. I'm so desperate for one baby that the thought of two is thrilling. Honestly the thought of pregnancy at this point is thrilling. But I know how hard one baby is, I really can't imagine how hard two would be. Q was a calm baby as long as he was being held - and he only wanted to be held by me. Still to this day he prefers me for all things. And while I revel in that and know that it won't always be this way - it's exhausting. It's hard to always be the only one who can brush his teeth or snuggle him in the morning or pick out his cloths or give him a bath or get him into and out of his car seat or pick him up or drop him off at school. Imagine that times two. I can't. I can't wrap my brain around it, which is probably why the thought of twins is still an exciting possibility to me.
I have no pregnancy tests in my house or else I would've tested by now. I'm about 4 days away from knowing if this worked or not, my period should be here by Monday if it's coming. This second week of the 2WW is a killer. I've been so distracted, haven't been able to concentrate at work or at anything else really. Only thinking about how I don't feel pregnant and will we have time to do another IUI before Christmas and would I do a third or move straight to IVF. I am hungry a lot, but that's normal before AF as well. And I did lose like 3 pounds and I haven't done anything different, other than worry.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
IUI #1
So I didn't have a chance to update on how IUI #1 went since it was the Sunday before Thanksgiving, so it was just a very busy week. We only worked two days and then headed to my parents with my BIL and his whole family for Thanksgiving. Which was a lot of fun, but also very exhausting. BIL had a training class in Ohio (he owns a crossfit gym) so IG and BIL left early Friday morning only to get home to discover that our fridge was completely busted - it had a temperature of a comfortable 65 degrees. So IG spent Friday fridge shopping on his own. On the positive side we got a $3,200 fridge for $1,700...on the negative side we had to spend $1,700 right before Christmas + throw out at least $300 worth of food + lost the second dose of my HCG trigger shot. But despite all that, Thanksgiving was good and it was nice to get away for a couple of days and it was nice to be busy it made the first week of the 2WW wait pass really fast and it's always nice when that can happen.
So IUI #1 - went as good as possible. Let's start at the beginning. I had my ultrasound on Friday 11/22, which I had to fight for because I was only CD 9/10 (I say 10, RE says 9, whatevs). Anyways the initially thought it was too early, even though I've told them multiple times that I ovulate on day 11 or 12 even while taking the clomid. At the ultrasound RE saw two big follicles on my right side one 26 the other 29 and then a really small one on my left, I think it was like 14. So he told me to trigger that night and go in Sunday (11/24) morning for the IUI. Not gonna lie, was a little nervous about IG giving me the trigger shot, especially because he wasn't at that appointment with me so I had to remember all the instructions that the nurse gave me on how to administer the injection. Luckily she gave me the needle she used to the mix the medicine so that he could practice on the couch - which he did and then later said the couch was a lot harder than my butt. We were told to trigger around 9:30pm, which was good cause that meant Q would already be in bed, not sure how it would've gone had he been around. IG did a really good job with shot all things considered. We had a bit of an issue getting the medicine in the needle and then changing from the 2inch to the 1inch needle, but otherwise it didn't hurt that bad. I did get one weird side effect that started in the middle of the night and throughout Saturday, which was a pain in my calf on the side in which the shot was administered. The handout that came with the medicine listed that as a side effect to immediately contact your Dr about for fear of blood clots and all Saturday morning I thought great I'm gonna end up in the ER and of course this just can't be this easy and why do I have to go through all this extra BS just to have a baby. I was in a very woe is me mind frame. I finally decided to call the emergency call number at my RE's office and the Dr on call seemed very unconcerned by it and told me to just take an aspirin. By Monday all pain was gone. So not sure if it was just a continence or something else.
Sunday morning IG had to drop off his sample at the lab by 7:30am so he had to get up pretty early to do his business. He was worried he didn't get a good enough sample, but turns out he has amazing sperm. That's what the RE said to me before the IUI. Pre-wash he had 244 mil little guys with a 77% motility, which the Dr said was really good. Post-wash we had 50 mil, with a 97% motility - so everything seemed to be aligned good - I had nice large follicles and sperm was good. The IUI itself was not bad, didn't feel like much more than a pap smear. Although it was weird to be there by myself, IG had to stay home with Q. So if I end up pregnant it would've been with IG not even in the room. The whole thing took like 20 mins start to finish, including laying there for 10 mins to give the guys a chance to get to their goal. My only concern is that I think I ovulated Saturday, so I'm not sure if the IUI Sunday morning was too late or not. I had my first positive OPK on Friday and I usually ovulate the day after that and my follicles where already really big on Friday. So I think I was already into my 12-36 hour window by the time we did the trigger shot. For sure I either ovulated on Saturday or Sunday, fingers crossed we weren't too late. We were told to have sex on Sunday night, but we were just exhausted that we didn't - so we'll see. I had my P4 levels checked on Monday and they came back at 49.4, which is lower than last time which was 55.5. It was already 1 day outside of the 7 days past ovulation as the IUI was Sunday, but the lab wasn't open over the weekend so I had to wait till Monday for the test and then if I did ovulate on Saturday it would've really be 9dpo. It's still a high number, but I wonder if it's going down.
So I will know by next Monday whether it worked or not. For IUIs my RE's office doesn't do a beta unless there is a positive HPT, so they told me to wait until at least Monday to test. I'll probably just wait to see if AF shows up, I don't think I could stomach another test. We are leaving Friday to head down to GA for little BIL's graduation and not getting home till Tuesday and then I leave again on the Thursday for Chicago for work. IG is meeting me there on Friday and we are spending the weekend away without Q, so either way it'll be good. We could celebrate or take the time to re-group and start again.
So IUI #1 - went as good as possible. Let's start at the beginning. I had my ultrasound on Friday 11/22, which I had to fight for because I was only CD 9/10 (I say 10, RE says 9, whatevs). Anyways the initially thought it was too early, even though I've told them multiple times that I ovulate on day 11 or 12 even while taking the clomid. At the ultrasound RE saw two big follicles on my right side one 26 the other 29 and then a really small one on my left, I think it was like 14. So he told me to trigger that night and go in Sunday (11/24) morning for the IUI. Not gonna lie, was a little nervous about IG giving me the trigger shot, especially because he wasn't at that appointment with me so I had to remember all the instructions that the nurse gave me on how to administer the injection. Luckily she gave me the needle she used to the mix the medicine so that he could practice on the couch - which he did and then later said the couch was a lot harder than my butt. We were told to trigger around 9:30pm, which was good cause that meant Q would already be in bed, not sure how it would've gone had he been around. IG did a really good job with shot all things considered. We had a bit of an issue getting the medicine in the needle and then changing from the 2inch to the 1inch needle, but otherwise it didn't hurt that bad. I did get one weird side effect that started in the middle of the night and throughout Saturday, which was a pain in my calf on the side in which the shot was administered. The handout that came with the medicine listed that as a side effect to immediately contact your Dr about for fear of blood clots and all Saturday morning I thought great I'm gonna end up in the ER and of course this just can't be this easy and why do I have to go through all this extra BS just to have a baby. I was in a very woe is me mind frame. I finally decided to call the emergency call number at my RE's office and the Dr on call seemed very unconcerned by it and told me to just take an aspirin. By Monday all pain was gone. So not sure if it was just a continence or something else.
Sunday morning IG had to drop off his sample at the lab by 7:30am so he had to get up pretty early to do his business. He was worried he didn't get a good enough sample, but turns out he has amazing sperm. That's what the RE said to me before the IUI. Pre-wash he had 244 mil little guys with a 77% motility, which the Dr said was really good. Post-wash we had 50 mil, with a 97% motility - so everything seemed to be aligned good - I had nice large follicles and sperm was good. The IUI itself was not bad, didn't feel like much more than a pap smear. Although it was weird to be there by myself, IG had to stay home with Q. So if I end up pregnant it would've been with IG not even in the room. The whole thing took like 20 mins start to finish, including laying there for 10 mins to give the guys a chance to get to their goal. My only concern is that I think I ovulated Saturday, so I'm not sure if the IUI Sunday morning was too late or not. I had my first positive OPK on Friday and I usually ovulate the day after that and my follicles where already really big on Friday. So I think I was already into my 12-36 hour window by the time we did the trigger shot. For sure I either ovulated on Saturday or Sunday, fingers crossed we weren't too late. We were told to have sex on Sunday night, but we were just exhausted that we didn't - so we'll see. I had my P4 levels checked on Monday and they came back at 49.4, which is lower than last time which was 55.5. It was already 1 day outside of the 7 days past ovulation as the IUI was Sunday, but the lab wasn't open over the weekend so I had to wait till Monday for the test and then if I did ovulate on Saturday it would've really be 9dpo. It's still a high number, but I wonder if it's going down.
So I will know by next Monday whether it worked or not. For IUIs my RE's office doesn't do a beta unless there is a positive HPT, so they told me to wait until at least Monday to test. I'll probably just wait to see if AF shows up, I don't think I could stomach another test. We are leaving Friday to head down to GA for little BIL's graduation and not getting home till Tuesday and then I leave again on the Thursday for Chicago for work. IG is meeting me there on Friday and we are spending the weekend away without Q, so either way it'll be good. We could celebrate or take the time to re-group and start again.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Today's Ultrasound
Had my RE appointment this afternoon to determine timing of this months IUI. All went good and I'm glad I pushed them to do it today, instead of Monday (they don't do routine ultrasounds on weekends). The office still seems surprised when I tell them that I ovulate early even while taking the clomid. Today is CD 9 or 10 depending on how you count the start of my period, I say it's day 10 RE's office saying it's day 9, but either way we are ready to go trigger for tonight and IUI Sunday morning. I had one follicle on my left that measured at about 12 and then two are my right one measured at 26 and the other at 29. So our protocol is trigger tonight, have sex, IUI Sunday morning. It'll be interesting to see how this goes.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Facebook Frustration
Tomorrow I have my ultrasound for my first IUI cycle. Even though we've done clomid the past two cycles I feel like this is the first real intervention type cycle, if that makes sense? My clomid cycles where not monitored, so this time around we will have a lot more Dr's appointments and b/w and general stress on how to fit it all into our schedules and Thanksgiving next week. So in light of all that I posted the following status on Facebook yesterday: Entering a chapter in my life I never imagined. The beginning is scary, I'm sure the middle will be difficult, but hopefully the ending will be beautiful. Now I'm not generally a big Facebook poster, but I've been consumed by thoughts of what's ahead of us as we take this bigger leap into fertility treatments. Our families know what we are going through and a few of my close friends know as well, so I figured they would be able to deduce what that status was about - I was not prepared for people thinking that status was about being pregnant. Immediate reaction from folks was to post a comment to see if that was an announcement for baby number 2 - whoa had no idea my Facebook status was baby watch 2013. Was totally unprepared for that and even more so in the fact that my SIL and MIL posted on there about baby #2. First of all REALLY!!!!!!!! Second of all you know what we are going through so what are thinking posting that on my Facebook and Third do you really think when we get pregnant we wouldn't tell you and let you find out from a Facebook post.....again REALLY!!!! So I immediately deleted the entire thing, because the last thing I need is my entire Facebook world to think that I'm pregnant and it's like a cruel slap in the face. Maybe I'm naive and stupid - I honestly didn't expect to be bombarded with questions on that status being a baby announcement, especially by IG's family. And then I'm frustrated because I already feel restrain in expressing myself and I'm going through something and wanted some way to express it without coming out and saying it, but again I must just be naive and stupid. Honestly makes me want to delete my entire Facebook, because the last thing I need is scrutiny over everything I post to determine if it's related to a baby or not. And now I'm not even sure I can trust IG's family to not post something about what we are going through. We aren't public about it and I have co-workers on Facebook that have no idea what we are going through, so it would be really hard for me if that happened.
In other news, I'm trying patiently to wait for my ultrasound tomorrow and to see how everything looks. I'm anxious to get this show on the road, I feel like we've been stagnant for so long. At the same time I have no expectation that any of this will work. Infertility has trained me to expect a negative outcome so I can't even wrap my head around a positive one. I just keep thinking that since they don't know what's wrong there's no real chance that any of this will work. Also, I'm anxious/nervous because my RE is male and he's really good and I know it's not a big deal, but for me it just feels really uncomfortable to have anyone down there, but especially any guy who isn't my husband. I've always had female OB/GYN's for various reasons. I think I was slightly traumatized as a teenager by my first pap smear - not because anything bad happened, but just the overall experience. I've always been a bit of shy person when it comes to my body, except with the person I'm in a trusting relationship with, but I'm not a person who in general likes being naked in front of other people. I didn't breastfeed Q in front of my family, I always excused myself, it's just not something I'm comfortable with. My first pap smear was at the age of 17 as I was trying to obtain birth control - which I requested through my mother, but not with honesty that I was at the time having sex with my boyfriend. Growing up we went to a family physician so the same Dr saw my entire family. So the prescription would have to come from him and in order to get it I needed a pap smear. It was initially made uncomfortable by the fact that he asked me while my mother was in the room if I was having sexually active and after I answered no said it's ok, I'll ask you again when your mother leaves - implying that I was lying (which of course I was, but really?). Thankfully, he did have my mother leave the room do the pap smear, but it just wasn't pleasant to have our family physician, the guy who'd seen me since I was an infant, perform the pap smear and breast exam - compound that with the fact that I grew up in a very small town so it felt very odd to run into him the very next night at the high school basketball game. It was just not my ideal situation - I would, even to this day, prefer someone that I would never have to see outside in my real life. It just feels too weird to me. And given that fact that I've given birth were all modesty is out the window, you would think I would be over this, but I'm not. Not that I would switch RE's for that simple fact - I want the one that comes most highly recommended and that's the one I have - I'm just not overly enthused that on top of everything else I have to have a strange dude spending a lot of time looking at and putting things into my, you know what, fairly frequently for the next foreseeable future.
In other news, I'm trying patiently to wait for my ultrasound tomorrow and to see how everything looks. I'm anxious to get this show on the road, I feel like we've been stagnant for so long. At the same time I have no expectation that any of this will work. Infertility has trained me to expect a negative outcome so I can't even wrap my head around a positive one. I just keep thinking that since they don't know what's wrong there's no real chance that any of this will work. Also, I'm anxious/nervous because my RE is male and he's really good and I know it's not a big deal, but for me it just feels really uncomfortable to have anyone down there, but especially any guy who isn't my husband. I've always had female OB/GYN's for various reasons. I think I was slightly traumatized as a teenager by my first pap smear - not because anything bad happened, but just the overall experience. I've always been a bit of shy person when it comes to my body, except with the person I'm in a trusting relationship with, but I'm not a person who in general likes being naked in front of other people. I didn't breastfeed Q in front of my family, I always excused myself, it's just not something I'm comfortable with. My first pap smear was at the age of 17 as I was trying to obtain birth control - which I requested through my mother, but not with honesty that I was at the time having sex with my boyfriend. Growing up we went to a family physician so the same Dr saw my entire family. So the prescription would have to come from him and in order to get it I needed a pap smear. It was initially made uncomfortable by the fact that he asked me while my mother was in the room if I was having sexually active and after I answered no said it's ok, I'll ask you again when your mother leaves - implying that I was lying (which of course I was, but really?). Thankfully, he did have my mother leave the room do the pap smear, but it just wasn't pleasant to have our family physician, the guy who'd seen me since I was an infant, perform the pap smear and breast exam - compound that with the fact that I grew up in a very small town so it felt very odd to run into him the very next night at the high school basketball game. It was just not my ideal situation - I would, even to this day, prefer someone that I would never have to see outside in my real life. It just feels too weird to me. And given that fact that I've given birth were all modesty is out the window, you would think I would be over this, but I'm not. Not that I would switch RE's for that simple fact - I want the one that comes most highly recommended and that's the one I have - I'm just not overly enthused that on top of everything else I have to have a strange dude spending a lot of time looking at and putting things into my, you know what, fairly frequently for the next foreseeable future.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
The Journey
I know that eventually my journey will end. I hope and pray that the end is near and that it's the end that I desire, but I know that either way at some point my journey will come to an end. Because they always do and then a new journey will start. Be that adoption or accepting life as a family of three. Right now is the hard part because I'm in the middle and the middle feels like moving forward without actually getting anywhere. It feels like walking on quick sand and sinking or being locked in a room alone with no way out. This is the hardest journey I've ever been on in my life to date and it's made especially hard by the feeling of failing constantly, of trying and getting nowhere, of hoping and always being let down, of being alone and lost and scared and sad, sometimes so very, very sad.
As I've mentioned before we are unexplained, there is no obvious reason why we can't conceive, highlighted by the fact that we were able to easily conceive Q. For me I think the journey would be easier, even if it was exactly the same, if I had some reason why we were going through it. Something concrete that I could point my finger at and direct my anger towards and blame for all the frustration and heartache and let down. But I don't. I have no explanation and so I take all those feelings and internalize them, knowing full well how dangerous that is. But I don't know what else to do.
We've changed the treatment plan for this cycle. I've decided I want to be more aggressive for a few a reasons: 1. It's been 5 months since I first met with the RE and I'm no farther along then I was 5 months ago, no closer to answers or pregnancy 2. I'm unexplained so basically we are on the generic one size fits all treatment plan 3. I have some insurance coverage and cost is not really a factor for us so I don't want nor need a slower paced plan due to lower cost options. So after 2 failed cycles of clomid plus timed intercourse we are going to give IUI a try this month. I start clomid again on Saturday and then have my ultrasound scheduled for next Friday - I usually ovulate around day 11 or 12 so hopefully we will be looking at doing insemination before Thanksgiving. The scheduling is a little difficult around the holidays, but I need to try something new. And I'm nervous because every time I've had some type of Dr's appointment or change my cycle has been a bit off and I feel like we are racing the clock being that I will ovulate at some point during Thanksgiving week and if it's on Thanksgiving then I'm likely out for this cycle.
I've also personally decided that I will try at most 3 IUI's and at most 3 fresh IVF cycles - if at that point we still aren't pregnant then it's time to end this journey with fertility treatments and decide where to go from there. I know that is still a lot of treatment and time in front of us, but I needed an end I could wrap my head around. The ability to know that we won't be in this forever, that this journey does have an end one way or another. Until then I continue to hope and pray for the end that includes a baby.
As I've mentioned before we are unexplained, there is no obvious reason why we can't conceive, highlighted by the fact that we were able to easily conceive Q. For me I think the journey would be easier, even if it was exactly the same, if I had some reason why we were going through it. Something concrete that I could point my finger at and direct my anger towards and blame for all the frustration and heartache and let down. But I don't. I have no explanation and so I take all those feelings and internalize them, knowing full well how dangerous that is. But I don't know what else to do.
We've changed the treatment plan for this cycle. I've decided I want to be more aggressive for a few a reasons: 1. It's been 5 months since I first met with the RE and I'm no farther along then I was 5 months ago, no closer to answers or pregnancy 2. I'm unexplained so basically we are on the generic one size fits all treatment plan 3. I have some insurance coverage and cost is not really a factor for us so I don't want nor need a slower paced plan due to lower cost options. So after 2 failed cycles of clomid plus timed intercourse we are going to give IUI a try this month. I start clomid again on Saturday and then have my ultrasound scheduled for next Friday - I usually ovulate around day 11 or 12 so hopefully we will be looking at doing insemination before Thanksgiving. The scheduling is a little difficult around the holidays, but I need to try something new. And I'm nervous because every time I've had some type of Dr's appointment or change my cycle has been a bit off and I feel like we are racing the clock being that I will ovulate at some point during Thanksgiving week and if it's on Thanksgiving then I'm likely out for this cycle.
I've also personally decided that I will try at most 3 IUI's and at most 3 fresh IVF cycles - if at that point we still aren't pregnant then it's time to end this journey with fertility treatments and decide where to go from there. I know that is still a lot of treatment and time in front of us, but I needed an end I could wrap my head around. The ability to know that we won't be in this forever, that this journey does have an end one way or another. Until then I continue to hope and pray for the end that includes a baby.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Going in Circles
Yesterday was what I'm guessing to be 14dpo and I say guessing because my temps have been crazy this cycle and FF can't detect my ovulation date based on my temps. So I'm going off of my +OPK dates and history, being that generally my history shows my O date to be the second +OPK date. However, I did have what looks to be a big dip in temperatures about 4 days after that, but - OPK results. So basically this being my first medicated cycle I'm very confused. I had my P4 tested on what I guessed to be 8dpo and the results came back at 55.5 so I felt pretty confident in guessing correctly the O date. However, yesterday I took a HTP and it was a BFN, I would expect my period sometime today or tomorrow given that its CD 27 and I've never (in the history of charting the last 14 of my 17 cycles) had an LP longer than 15 days, so my period should start tomorrow. BUT absolutely no signs that my period is coming, other than the BFN yesterday, but then again I have no signs that I'm pregnant either.
Needless to say I'm so very confused. Of course Dr. Google has some things to say about high P4 numbers sometimes indicating a pregnancy and at the very least indicating that I released more than one egg. I tried my hardest not to let that get my hopes up, but most P4 numbers I read about where way lower than mine and the ones that were the same or higher were all from those taking progesterone. At this point, I'm thinking I was wrong about my O date, which would make me think maybe we are still in the game, but we didn't BD that much this month because IG got a nasty stomach bug from Q that lasted for a few days and so I think we missed our window. Can you tell I'm driving myself crazy????
There was no question about the BFN it was stark white. And I'm disappointed in myself for breaking down and buying a test, but I had no signs that AF was coming and my temps were staying pretty high (except today they dropped a bit) so I let myself hope. And I'm mad at myself for hoping. I feel stupid for thinking that I could possibly be pregnant. That high P4 numbers was an indicator of anything other than the fact that I'm ovulating which has never been the problem. I'm ovulating, my egg quality is good, IG has lots of sperm and they move just fine, but this goal feels impossible. Right now on this day it feels like I will never be pregnant again and I'm so pissed and sad and frustrated. The longer it takes the more I think about how I didn't want so many years between Q and a sibling and it's so frustrating that it's out of my control. And to top it off I found out last week that another friend of mine is pregnant, became that way without trying very hard and it's so unfair. And I hate that I can't even congratulate her. I can't muster it or face it or feel it. So I avoid it and deny it and bury it and hate it.
I read a lot of things that talk about how unfair infertility is, but nothing can do this feeling justice. It doesn't make any sense. There are no obvious physical reasons why we can't get pregnant and I hate that my life is just stuck in this pattern of going in circles. I hate that I focus so much time and energy on this when there is Q. I hate that every month I have to ride this roller coaster of emotions that never goes anywhere. I hate that I feel like a failure and that I don't trust my body anymore. I hate that I hate thinking about the future and being scared to make plans because I don't know what point in a cycle we will be in. I hate thinking that I will never know what it's like to be pregnant again or to hold my baby in my arms. I hate that we have a house full of empty rooms and a car that's way to big for a family of three. I hate that we bought them because we fully expected to fill them and I hate that we can't make that happen. I hate that there is no timeline or end in sight. I hate that I feel hopeless. And I hate that I don't know how to control it anymore. I don't understand the journey, I don't understand the lesson, I don't understand.
Needless to say I'm so very confused. Of course Dr. Google has some things to say about high P4 numbers sometimes indicating a pregnancy and at the very least indicating that I released more than one egg. I tried my hardest not to let that get my hopes up, but most P4 numbers I read about where way lower than mine and the ones that were the same or higher were all from those taking progesterone. At this point, I'm thinking I was wrong about my O date, which would make me think maybe we are still in the game, but we didn't BD that much this month because IG got a nasty stomach bug from Q that lasted for a few days and so I think we missed our window. Can you tell I'm driving myself crazy????
There was no question about the BFN it was stark white. And I'm disappointed in myself for breaking down and buying a test, but I had no signs that AF was coming and my temps were staying pretty high (except today they dropped a bit) so I let myself hope. And I'm mad at myself for hoping. I feel stupid for thinking that I could possibly be pregnant. That high P4 numbers was an indicator of anything other than the fact that I'm ovulating which has never been the problem. I'm ovulating, my egg quality is good, IG has lots of sperm and they move just fine, but this goal feels impossible. Right now on this day it feels like I will never be pregnant again and I'm so pissed and sad and frustrated. The longer it takes the more I think about how I didn't want so many years between Q and a sibling and it's so frustrating that it's out of my control. And to top it off I found out last week that another friend of mine is pregnant, became that way without trying very hard and it's so unfair. And I hate that I can't even congratulate her. I can't muster it or face it or feel it. So I avoid it and deny it and bury it and hate it.
I read a lot of things that talk about how unfair infertility is, but nothing can do this feeling justice. It doesn't make any sense. There are no obvious physical reasons why we can't get pregnant and I hate that my life is just stuck in this pattern of going in circles. I hate that I focus so much time and energy on this when there is Q. I hate that every month I have to ride this roller coaster of emotions that never goes anywhere. I hate that I feel like a failure and that I don't trust my body anymore. I hate that I hate thinking about the future and being scared to make plans because I don't know what point in a cycle we will be in. I hate thinking that I will never know what it's like to be pregnant again or to hold my baby in my arms. I hate that we have a house full of empty rooms and a car that's way to big for a family of three. I hate that we bought them because we fully expected to fill them and I hate that we can't make that happen. I hate that there is no timeline or end in sight. I hate that I feel hopeless. And I hate that I don't know how to control it anymore. I don't understand the journey, I don't understand the lesson, I don't understand.
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